Got through the holidays

I have gotten through the holidays, or have I? Does it count when you retreat in your home and pretend that the holiday does not exist? Does it count when you ignore the phone because you are afraid that someone is going to say the dreaded words of Merry Christmas? Does it count when you do not rush through the malls searching for the perfect gift for the people that you love. I know deep down that I did not really get through the holidays because I did not acknowledge that the day was here. The only decorations that I saw were the ones that family had placed with Isabella at the Cemetery.

I know that next year if I do decide to acknowledge the holiday it will be just as hard or even harder as it was this year. I know that some day I will have to put up a Christmas tree, attempt the malls for Christmas Shopping and even attend Holiday parties. The one thing that will be consistent every year is that I will have to go to the Cemetery in order to visit my baby girl. That is something that I will never enjoy, or never get used to. It is one of those things in life that you don't want to do because it is so unnatural.

My husband pointed something out to me at the cemetery. Isabella is resting in an area that has a large window. Outside the window is a tree that was decorated with ornaments. The whole cemetery has trees surrounding it but the tree that is in front of Isabella's window is the only one that is decorated. Isabella is the only person facing that window because she is in a section of the cemetery all on her own. I may never know who decorated that tree, but I will forever be grateful to that person. They took the time to do something special for someone that they may not even know. I like to think that there are Angels that look after the cemetery and they do special things like this to put a smile on our faces.

Thank you to all of the Angels in my life that are there for me today and always.

Thoughtful People

The month is almost over and then I can say that I got through my first Christmas without Bella. I never thought that I would have made it to this point, but here I am. I have met many people throughout these last months that have become very special to me. There is a man who I met in my child loss group who lost his teenage son 9 years ago. He walks near my school every morning because he lives in the area. He stopped by my school Thursday morning to tell me that he was thinking of Frank and I and knew how hard this weekend was going to be. I was thouched that through his own greif he thought of us enough to let us know that we were in his thoughts. As I have said before, parents who have lost a child are all part of a club that we never wanted to join. I am yet to meet a bereaved parent who is not willing to help out another parent in need.


I have to say that I have been honoured the last few days by the donation tributes that have been coming in through the mail. My sister and her family as well as cousins and their families have made donations to a Canadian Dr. who does research and testing for Strep A and other Infectious diseases. I know that Isabella is so proud and honoured that people are helping while honouring her at the same time. My aunt and cousin bought clothes that would fit a two year old girl and are donating them to a charity. This is the first year that I can actually say that I understand the true meaning of Christmas and it looks like I am not the only one.

I always worry that people are going to forget about Isabella and how special she was. Instead my family has shown me that she is now and will always be at the centre of their hearts. If my family is reading this, I want them to know that I am truly grateful for them, their support and their generosity.

Best wishes for everyone, no matter what you celebrate. I am thankful for your kind words, support and that you take the time to read about my jourey through loss.

God Bless

Bella in Kindergarten

Today at work a little boy in my Kindergarten class put a real smile on my face. His behaviour reminds me so much of Isabella. He is so independent and likes to do everything on his own. It reminds me of Bella and how she could be so persistent in trying to do things on her own. It was one of the many qualities about her that I love so much. The boy in my class does not like any other students in the class hold his hand or touch him. Even though Bella loved to sit on my lap and cuddle and kiss but she hated when anyone held her hand. She did not like her hands confined and always needed them free to touch whatever she wanted. When we were walking on the sidewalk I would often have to hold her wrists so she could not pull her hands free, she hated that.

Watching this boy today was like watching what Bella would have been like in a few years. I imagine that she would have been that same way in Kindergarten. She would have insisted on completing things by herself even if it took her ten times longer then everyone else. She would have refused to hold hands with other students, even if the rest of the students were doing it. She would have been that student right at the front at circle time, just so she could hear the story perfectly and have a clear view of the pictures.

I am able to see some of Bella in the students in my class and for a moment it is as if I am watching her right in front of me.
I know that my daughter would have loved Kindergarten and the teacher and students would have love her.

Busy time of year.

Everyday at work I sit through people discussing how busy this time of year is and how they are going crazy trying to finish their Christmas shopping. I hate to say this but I am jealous of all of them. I am jealous of the people whose biggest worry was if they are going to finish their shopping on time or if they did not find the perfect gift for that special someone. I remember when that was me and those were my biggest worries.

Christmas once used to be a time of running around, Christmas visits, Holiday music and Christmas Cheer. This year Christmas is none of that. Instead it is just a day. A day that is causing me anxiety and stress. Not because I am rushing around and doing shopping, but instead because I am missing my girl.

Miss you Bella baby, today and always

Mommy

Nine Months of Empty Arms

Yesterday marked nine months since I have held Bella in my arms. I still cannot believe that it has been that long, it just does not seem real to me. I think of all of the memories that the first nine months of her life brought and it upsets me because that is all that I am left with.

I wonder if in heaven you have memories of your earthly life. I wonder if Bella thinks of me, or if she misses me. They say that in heaven there is no time, so maybe she does not even realise how long we have been apart. I just hope that she does not see me crying or know that I am sad without her. The hardest thing is knowing that her spirit is around me and not being able to see her or touch her.

Every night I pray for strength and courage for myself and my family. I pray for the strength to face another day and the courage to let my guard down and trust in the universe and Gods plan for me. Please continue to pray for my family and that we can someday enjoy this beautiful world once again.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I have posted a poem below that was given to me by my aunt. I wanted to share it with everyone because it is so beautiful. Even though the words do bring me some comfort, I wish more then anything that Isabella was celebrating with me instead of Jesus.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing
or love He has for each of you.

A nice quote

I read a quote yesterday and it really struck home with me. It was, "the more precisely you plan your future, the harder destiny hits." I cannot beleive how much I could relate to those words. When Bella passed away, I was in the process of planning when we would get pregnant with our next child and the age difference that Bella and that child would have between them. I planned that I wanted to keep Bella at her Montessorri school until grade one, when I would then bring her to the school that I teach at. I think that sometimes God wants to remind us that he is in charge, not us. What better way to do that then to shake up someones life.

I now fear making future plans because I don't know what that the next 24 hours will bring, never mind the next 25 years. when you really think about it, we try our best to be good parents who teach our children to be good people. Sometimes, we have no control over the outcome of our childrens lives and that is a scary thing.

I guess that the only thing that we could do is hope for the best and know that God is always watching over them. In my case, I know that Bella is watching over me and protecting me from above.

Just another day!

Well, today is my birthday and as with the other holidays that recently passed I have chosen to not celebrate this day. My husband this morning said to me before he left the house, "you are old." I simled because that was his was of acknowledging that he remembered without saying the dreaded word. I had many kind calls and e-mails of support from people who said that they are thinking of me today and they were all very appreciated. My friend Patricia texted me, "happy just another day", which made me laugh. I know that people may think that I am crazy for being like this, but truly I don't care what people think.

I did the one thing today that I wanted to do which was go to the cemetary. I told Bella how much I live her and miss her and then I just went on with my day. Another year has gone and another years worth of lessons I have learned. The most important lessons that I have learned this year is not to plan to far ahead (take every day as it comes), not to take family for granted, never say or do anything that you will regret because you can't always take those things back, life is very umpredictable, and the power of prayer is so strong. I want to always keep those lessons in the front of my mind so that I could always look at the world with a new set of eyes.

It truly is just another day.

Last Year

With my birthday coming up on Friday, I can't help but sit and remember what I was doing this time last year. Isabella was sick on my birthday last year and Frank was at a convention downtown. That day I remember thinking that I was so happy to be spending the day with my girl. She spent so much time sleeping on my lap with her hand down my shirt, her favourite position. We did lots of cuddling, read tons of books and watched her favourite shows. It was an amazing day. Nothing exciting was happening, yet I was so content with where I was and who I was with.

I received an amazing surprise that day. Bella began walking! I was so excited and so was she. Being that Isabella wore a harness for the first nine months of her life, I thought that she would have been delayed with her walking. Instead, my daughter rose to the challenge and began to walk.

What a beautiful day that was. I thank God for giving me that day and allowing Bella and I to spend it just the two of us. It is like God was giving me that memory as a gift. He knew that in the future that memory was what I was going to hold onto. On Friday, I will close my eyes and think of that day. I will remember that feeling of happiness and pride that I had each and every time Isabella was near.

I miss you Monkey.

Guilt

Does the guilt ever go away? My husband is constantly reassuring me that I was the best mother possible, yet I still feel responsible for Isabella's death. I feel as if I should have never let them send us home from the hospital or I should have called the ambulance sooner. I feel as if I should have done so much more then I did. You hear of all of these miracles, maybe I did not pray enough. A mother is supposed to protect her children from all harm. I feel as if I have failed in protecting my daughter. Even though my heart tells me that I did all that I could, my mind tells me otherwise.

When will this guilt stop?

Time does not heal all wounds

When Isabella first passed, everyone told me that time will heal all wounds. Whoever made up this saying has probably never lose anyone close to them. I think that once you have experienced a loss of any kind you understand this not to be true. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds just never heal. Instead they fester. You can try to cover up the wound with a bandage which comes in many forms. This bandage can be a night out, a good glass of wine, sleep, a vacation or even keeping busy at work. But the wound does not improve, and definitely does not heal.

For me, time has made me feel worse. I think that the reality becomes so real and the idea of living this lifetime without your loved one becomes a true reality and that is frightening. I even find it harder telling Isabella's story and especially explaining the day that she passed. Time only gives you more time to internalise the situation and hopefully allows you to adopt strategies that make it easier to survive.

I had always had a fear of death, a fear of not knowing what it feels like. As a child I used to become so anxious at the though and this behaviour even continued into my adult life. Now that fear no longer exists. I no longer have this fear attached to death. Instead I am embracing the thought of being with my Bella for eternity. This does not mean that I am in any way hoping for this because I have to many people here that I love. Instead it means that when the time comes for God to call me home I will not be scared because I know that Isabella will be holding my hand along the way.

Until we meet again sweet girl.

Child Loss Poem

I was given this poem at my Child Loss Support Group and wanted to share it with everyone. It was written by Edgar Guest. I hope that the poem brings you some comfort as it did for me.

I"ll lend you for a while a child of mine, " he says.
"For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
By will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay; since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teacher true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lance I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think that labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call her much sooner than we've planned.
We'' brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Isabella, I know that God has lent you to me until he wanted you back. I just wish that we were give more time. I am grateful for every second that we shared.

Mommy

Bad Dream

I had a bad dream last night that Isabella and I were at the beach and I could not find her. I did not know if she had wondered into the water or where she went. I kept thinking that she was lost scared and I was not there to comfort her. At one point in my dream someone came to my house with a child and said that they had found her at the beach. From the back she looked like Isabella. She had the same beautiful dark curls. When the child turned around, it was not Isabella. It was someone else's child. I kept saying, "this is not my child, she is someone else's."

I was happy to wake up from that terrible dream. Although, in reality I still do not have my daughter in my arms. At least I know that she is not somewhere scared and alone. I know exactly where she is. She is in heaven with the angels and all of our departed family members.

It has been eight months today since I have heard your voice sweet girl. Sweet dream princess.

Miss you

I miss you Bella. I have been missing you so much lately. Even though I miss you every second of everyday, the past few days I have missed you one hundred times more. My missing has turned to longing. I long to hear you say mamma, to read your apple book to you, to see your beautiful smile and so much more. The hole in my stomach has become a normanl feeling. It is just a part of my day and I now get comfort from its presence because that hole comes from love. It comes from the love that I have for you.

We are approaching eight months from the moment that she passed and I am shocked that I have survived to this point. I always said that I would die if anything happened to Isabella and I am still standing. Sometimes I wonder where the strength comes from. I now know that it comes from her. She truly is my motivaion for so many things. Crawling into a ball would be to easy. Living is hard! I am living so that she could be proud of me. I want her to know that I am not taking the easy way out, instead I am trying to live and I am doing that all for her.

I love you Isabella

A Special Auntie

Happy Birthday to the worlds best sister/Godmother/auntie. My sister Lucy is all of those amazing things to the Cappelli family. She is the worlds most supportive and understanding sister to me and sister in-law to Frank. She is the most amazing aunt/God Mother to Isabella. We did not even think twice about choosing her to baptize Bella. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant with Isabella my sister was constantly buying baby clothes and toys for her. After Isabella was born my sister spent ever spare moment she had with us and spoiled Bella with love. I am so grateful that Isabella has sud such an amazing person to look up to. I know that Isabella is shining light and sending love to my sister today.

Happy Birthday Lucy,

Marisa

Cousins

This is a picture from last Halloween. This is a picture of Bella (left) with my niece/God daughter Mya (right). It took so long to take this picture because Mya kept sliding to the side and Bella's hat kept covering her face. They were such good sports. They just sat there and looked at us with this look of confusion. They did not understand why we were all calling their names and snapping pictures. We had so much fun that day and it was such a quick visit. Looking back now I wish that we had a longer visit. I wish that I was not always rushing from place to place, that I did not turn down Sunday lunches with the in-laws. I was very greedy with my Bella time. I loved having her all to myself. We spent so much time walking, playing and having fun just us. I feel that I took that time away from everyone else. I just hope that I did not take away from anyones possible memories.

To finding the good life once again.

Good LIfe

Lately I have been looking at Bella's picture and asking myself if I could have made up all of the many memories that I have. Is it possible that I imagined all of the dances that we shared, the songs that we sang, the sleepless nights, the cuddles, the kisses and so much more.


People reading this may think that this seems odd or even cruel to be thinking such a thing. My response to that would be that I am so happy that you do not understand this because that means that you have never experienced child loss.


It is not as if I am wishing that the memories were not real. I just feel like such a different person then I was those months ago. I am no longer that person who thinks that everything will always be okay. I now know that bad things could happen to good people. I know that those memories are real and I am thankful for that. It just seems to cruel that I was given a taste of the good life and then it was taken away.

Here is to finding the Good Life once again.

Trick or Treat

Halloween is almost here and I am hoping that is leaves as quickly as it came. I am going to be that house that has the lights out and does not give out candy. Let's just hope that we don't wake up to eggs on the door or any other part of the house. Last year Isabella was dressed up as a butterfly, how fitting. She was wrapped up so warm and we went trick or treating with our friends and their daughter. She was such a good sport and never complained about the butterfly head peace or the big warm costume. Instead in Isabella style she enjoyed every minute of it. She even tried saying trick or treat. Frank and I ate all of her candies because she was not aloud sweets. I hope that she is picking out a costume in heaven. I know that in her costume she will be beautiful no matter what she chooses.

A friend of mine is having a fundraiser this weekend to raise money for the BC Children's Hospital in honour of her son Jack Wilbee. He amazing son passed away on March 3rd, 2011. I was introduced to the story of Jack through reading the blog myonlybabydiedmar32011.blogspot.com/. If you have time stop by and read the story of Jack's life and the amazing strength that he has portrayed through his life. If you would like to donate to the event in his name you can find the information on the blog. I wish that there was no need for children's hospitals around the world. But the truth is that children are not immune to the diseases of the world and they are at risk as much as the rest of us.

I ask you to join me today in praying for all of the children around the world who are sick and suffering and all of the parents and families who have to helplessly sit by and watch them suffer.

Marisa

Unmotivated

The past few days I have felt the darkness outside and the chill get to me emotionally. It has added to my already not so happy state. When I get up in the morning and have to drive to work in the dark, it makes me feel unmotivated to want to do anything. The colder weather brings back so many memories of Isabella. The last time that I saw Isabella was in the month of March and the weather was very cold. I would always run from the car to the house with her in my arms and she would bop up and down and smile because she thought that is was fun. I also remember how much she loved her winter hat. I bought her a hat from Roots and she loved it. Thank goodness because if not we would have had some problems getting it on her head. I already find the winter months depressing and am very afraid for the months to come.

I have been thinking lately of the prospect of having more children. Although I want more children I don't know if I will ever be the mother that I once was. I am so afraid of loving someone as much as I love Isabella and of being hurt again. God does not keep tabs and I do not get a free pass. There is no guarantee that my future will be pain free. This is something that will haunt me forever. I wonder how this fear will effect me as a parent. Isabella and Franks were my life and still are. I just don't know how it is possible to love anyone else as much as I love her. I know that many people who have second children feel this way and that in the end thier heart has more then enough love to share. This is just one of the man thoughts that go through my head.

Today I tool a mental health day. I took the day off of work to watch t.v, do laundry, and just be on my own. I am hoping that this will help me to reenergise for the rest of the week. I think that I need faith to get through this upcoming winter season. I need to beleve that she is with me and happy and that she sees exactly what I am doing. I don't want her to see me upset. I want her to be worry free just as children should be. I will try my best to be strong for her.

I think that people see me during the day and assume that I am "better". In my support group we talked about how losing a child is like losing a limb. You may get a fake leg and be able to walk and go on with your day. People who don't know you don't know that you have lost your leg. Even those who do know you see you walking and think that you are okay. Yet every moment of every day you are aware that your leg is gone. There is not a moment of the day that you forget that a peice of you is missing. The only thing that you could do is put one foot in front of the other and not forget to breathe.

Quiet time

Another week has gone and another weekend is here. My weekends have become my quiet time after a long week. On my weekends I look forward to sitting with a book, watching a movie and surfing the computer. Those quiet moments help me to heal as well as to rest up for the upcoming week. When Isabella first passed those quiet moments used to haunt me. It was during those quiet times that I would relive that terrible day in my head over and over. It was as if I couldn't not shut of the chaos that was going on in my head. It is only now that those quiet moments have become something different. It is in those quiet moments that I can feel those chills up my arms that I now know means that she is giving me a big hug. It is in those moments that I can talk to her and tell her how I am feeling and imagine her blowing me kisses to make me feel better. I cherish those moments and even though my weekends have become something different then they once were, it is still something that I looked forward to each and every week.

As I am getting right to post this, I losten to a story of a father who murdered his three month old child. I am so angry to hear this and cannot understand why someone would want to hurt such an innocent child. What a crazy world.

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy weekend.

Marisa

Butterfly

The most amazing thing happened to me on Thanksgiving Monday. I had went to the cemetery on Monday morning to visit Isabella and to take away all of the deflated balloons from her birthday. I got to spend some time with Isabella before the cemetery got busy. I had a good cry as I looked at her beautiful face and reminisced about the fun that we had this time last year. I prayed with her and asked God to give her kisses for me. I let her know that I would be okay even though my heart is in pieces. I encouraged her to explore in heaven and not to worry about me. Even though I may cry, she has a bigger and more important job in heaven then taking care of me. I asked her to please keep sending me signs so that I know that she is okay as well as with me. When I came home I noticed a water stain on our coffee table. When I looked at the table carefully I noticed that is was in the shape of a butterfly. It was Isabella letting my know that she had heard my words and that she was with me always. I love her so much and this is proof that our bond is something that cannot be broken. I read somewhere that the only thing between us us here on earth and the spirit world is an invisible veil. I truly believe that now. I still wish that she was here with my in physical body but I now can say for sure that she is here in spirit.

Thank you Bella for always knowing what I need.

Mommy

Thanksgiving Weekend

It is Thanksgiving weekend and Frank and I have decided that we would spend the weekend on our own. I know that Bella is probably not happy with my decision because she loved being with her family and I am sure that she wants us to be happy. I just think that this is what we need at this time. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family but the holidays are just to hard.

This time last year, Frank,Bella and I spent the day at the Pumpkin Patch. We went on a wagon ride, and looked at all of the pumpkins. Isabella loved being outside and loved it even more because she was doing it with Mommy and Daddy. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I wish more then anything that I could go back to that day.

I spent some time today thining about what I am Thankful for. I came up with the little list below.

I am thankful for....
My family
My faith
My memories
My friends
All of the greiving parents that I have met along the way
My husband who means the world to me
My daughter Isabella who is my world
The nine months of carrying Isabella and the 18 months that I got to spend with my baby girl.

On this Thanksgiving weekend I am Thankful for many things. Thank you to all of the people who allow me to cry, scream or just be silent. But most of all thank you for continuing to speak of Isabella and for loving her as much as you did when she was with us. Thank you Isabella for showing me true love and for making me the most proud mom in the world.

Long Island Medium

I watched a show last night called Long Island Medium. The Medium named Theresa spoke to a mother who suddenly lost her six year old son. My heart sank and I could not help but cry through the whole show. The words that the boy was saying to his mother were the words that I need to hear. He let her know that he is okay and that he is always with her. I wish that I could sit and have a conversation with my baby girl. I wish that she could tell me that she was not scared in the hospital and that she knew that Daddy and I were there, even though we were not alloued to see her. I wish that she could tall me that somebody was waiting for her on the other side and that she did not pass through those golden gates on her own. She is my little girl and I will always worry about her. I Love you Bella and I will miss you every day as long as I live.

Mommy

I am busy again

It has been a while since I have written. It is not because I have nothing to say but because I have been super busy. I have been back at work since the last week of August and on top of that I am taking a religion course every Monday and some weekends and that will continue until December. I have also joined a new Child Loss Group which I attend once a week. For the last seven months I have not had that feeling of being busy and I have to say that the feeling is very familiar. I remember the feeling of rushing to Isabella's school, struggling to make dinner as she ripped all of the plastic bags from the drawer. I remember not even being able to go to the washroom in silence because Isabella always wanted to be in there with me. I remember the feeling of being busy and I missed that it.

Last week on the news I saw that a scientist believes that he has diproven Eisenstein's theory of nothing being faster then the speed of light. The scientist feels that if this is true that Time Travel may be possible. It made me wish that this was true and that I could go back in time, even just for a moment. Even just to tell her that I love her one last time, or to run my finger through her curls, or to have her sleep with her head on my tummy. Al of those things that I took for granted, that now I am relying on a time machine to go back in time to experience once again.

The past week as been full of ups and downs. It is exactly like the book says. Greif sneeks up on you when you least expect it an it makes itself nice and comfortable. I knew that this month would be difficult but I never expected to feel as low as the lows feel. I guess that this is just practice for all of the birthdays and anniversaries that are to come.

Wish me luck

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL GIRL

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

On this day two years ago I became a mom to the most amazing little girl. She had us wrapped aruond her finger as soon as we looked into her eyes. On that day I never imagined that I would end up here, but here I am. I never imagined that I would be singing Happy Birthday to a picture and a Birthday Balloon. I guess this is my new normal.

This morning we went to the cemetary to visit Isabella. We brought her a Happy 2nd Birthday balloon and a Birthday card. It was hard to sit there and look at her picture and wonder if she is celebrating her Birthday in heaven. We bought some of Isabella's favourite books and some colouring books from cartoons that she liked and brought them to her school. I know that she would be happy with that. I made her a heart shaped Birthday cake this morning and even though it did not come out as good as the one that I made her last year, I am happy that I made it. I want to make her a cake every year on her day.

I was suprised to come home as see a vase of flowers at the door. The flowers were Gerbera Daiseys which are my favourite. The flowers were from the Principal at Isabella's school as well as her teacher. I knew that there was someting special about that place when I registered there and now I know that it is the people that work there. The card read that they are thinking of beautiful Isabella today and always.

Later today I am going to have a peice of her birthday cake and release a Birthday Balloon with a special message for her on it. I wish I could do more but for now this is how it needs to be.

I miss you Bella and look forward to the day when I can join your birthday party once again.

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months since Isabella has passed. It is weird because for the first time I am actually feeling that I have to wait years and years to see her again. I guess that I always knew it but when you hear six months it puts into perspective how long it will be. Six months is a third of her life, that is so long.

I don't like the idea that I will not be the same person when that time comes. I wonder if I will be the same silly mommy that she knows and loves. I wonder if she will like the mommy that I become. I want to be the same person that she knows but know that with time and life experiences people change. I just don't want to harden, become angry and bitter. Isabella would definitely not recognise me then.

Yesterday was also my father's birthday and I know that Isabella was right there with us. She was right there on Grandpa's lap blowing out the candles and sharing his carrot cake with him. It was a hard day for all of us but we all knew that Isabella would have wanted us to celebrate.

I am half way through the month of September and have to admit that the month of September will always be a hard month for me.

Miss you Bella,

Mommy

Time is nothing but a word

My first day of school is done and I have to admit it was no so bad. It was hard seeing all of the parents with cameras taking pictures of their children's first day of school and knowing that I will never be taking those pictures with Isabella. I am now kicking myself for not taking a picture of Isabella on her first day of Montessori/preschool. I thought that I would have time to do all of those things, but I now realise that time is nothing but a word.

The parents of my new students were all wonderful and what I once thought were overbearing parents, I now see as parents who love their children so much. I think that my perspective has changed and I am now going to be a better teacher because of it.

When speaking with my sister today she said something that sums up exactly what I was feeling today. She said that at times of the day you get so overwhelmed with what you are doing that you forget that you have a life out of school. At times I forget that I have a daughter that is living in heaven and watching over me. It is a bitter sweet feeling because those moments bring peace but after that moment passes you remember that you are going straight home instead of picking up your child from school.

Isabella was watching me today and is watching me everyday. That is the only reason that I was strong enough to get through the day.

Thank you Bella for always helping Mommy through the tough times.

Mommy

Tomorrow........

Tomorrow is the first official day of the school year. I have been into my classroom and my room is ready to go. I have had the opportunity to see all of my coworkers and have to say that everyone was very good. I was worried that people would dwell on the question of how are you.... To my surprise everyone was very normal which made my transition into returning to work easier.

I questioned changing schools when Isabella passed thinking that it may be easier to be around people who did not know my situation. I am so happy that I decided against that. I am so blessed with great friends at work and truly cherish their support. I am surprised that I have no Isabella's in my class this year due to the fact that it is such a popular name. I was a little worried about that but had no worry to. I am searching for a picture of Isabella to place on my desk so that I will always be able to see her beautiful face. I need to have her will me at school to get me through those tough days. Just look at that face!

I love you Bella!

Another angel in heaven

Thank you to everyone who sent me an e-mail and decided to continue reading my blog. I am honoured that you would want to follow along as I express my hopes and fears, depending on the day.

I received devastating news the other day that a friend of a relative of mine had a terrible loss. Her child passed away in his sleep, otherwise known as SIDS. My heart goes out to that family and I know to well the pain that they are going through.

I know the anger towards God, toward yourself and towards the universe for causing this terrible thing to happen. I know the lack of compassion towards anyone because the only pain that you are able to feel is your own, and no other pain matters. I know the bitterness towards every other person who has a living child (even complete strangers) because this happened to you and not to them. I know the unwillingness to take care of yourself (not eating healthy meals, not wearing your seat belt) because you do not care about yourself anymore. I know to well the will to be with them and begging God to take you as well because you could not bear another moment without your child.

Somewhere along the way I also began to know the little glimpses of hope and faith that you will see your child again. I experienced the moments when you get shivers for no reason because your child is sending you a big hug. I know the support of family and friends that carry you at times when you are unable to stand.

Unfortunately you have to go through the darkest moments in order to see the light that is at the end waiting for you. I have not fully gotten to that bright light but I know that I am on my way. I know that my future will be bright and that some day my tears will be replaced with laughter. My journey has just began and it is going to be a long road to travel. But I know that I am not travelling it alone. I have a fantastic husband who is also an outstanding father. Most of all I have a little monkey named Isabella who is dancing along beside us and cheering us in at times when we feel low. The three Cappelli's will get through this together and for that I am truly grateful.

Please keep that precious baby boy on your prayers.

Do not stand at my grave and cry

Any mother who has lost a child has probably experienced the guilt that you feel when you do not visit your child at the place where their body has been laid to rest. I have been feeling extremely guilty because I once would visit her there and feel comfort but now as soon as I get in the car to drive there I feel anxious. I don't like thinking about where her actual body is, or that when I turn around and leave that I am leaving her physical body behind. It takes everything in me not to break down that wall and hold her in my arms, kiss her little lips and twirl her curls around my fingers. I feel closer to her in my own house. I feel her presence in my bedroom and in her play room. I know that she is here with us, and not here behind that wall. All that is there is the shell of a body that was once her. Even though I know this, I still wish that I could hold her body in my arms and take her home where she belongs.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning rush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quit birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there I did not die.

Written by: Mary Elizabeth Frye

email address is wrong!

My sister pointed out that the e-mail account that I posted is sending the -mails back. I figured out that I spelt beauty wrong on the account. So please send your email to bellabeuty@hotmail.com an I will send you an invite to the blog..

Thanks,
Marisa

Back to work!

The summer is almost over and in a few weeks I am returning back to work. I am looking forward to the distraction, the routine and to meeting all of my new students. As of next week my blog is going to be by invitation only. I appreciate all of you who have been reading my blog and I hope that you continue to do so. I am just trying to prevent any of the students from my school reading my blog. Even though I do not speak of anything inappropriate I would like to keep my personal life and work life separate. If you would like to continue reading my blog please send me an e-mail at bellabeauty@hotmail.com and I will send you and e-mail to invite you to the blog.

Thank you for all of your support.

Marisa

Comfort

The past week has been a difficult one. A very close friend of ours lost their mother and it is always hard seeing people that you love in pain. I am now getting used to seeing bad things happen to good people.

The mass was held at the same church where we had Isabella's mass and the resting place is the same mausoleum where Isabella is. I wanted to be there to support my friends because they have always been there for us, but I found it extremely difficult. It was hard being there and knowing that just five months earlier I was there celebrating the life of my daughter. I was able to sit through the mass which was beautiful. I find the church a very comforing place, I just wish that I had brought Isabella there more. Although I did go to the mosoleam, I did not stay for the burial. Instead I went to see Isabella and tried to get some comfort from her. I know that sounds weird that visiting her there would give me comfort. Just seeing her face, seeing her name and talking to her gives me comfort. She is my best friend and best friends comfort each other.

I miss you Bella!

Five Months

Yesterday marked five months since Isabella has went to heaven. I feel like it just happened yesterday yet I miss her like she has been gone for fifty years. Next month would have marked her second birthday. I already had it planned out. It was going to be an animal themes since she loved animals and I was going to do it as the farm. I was going to make her a farm animal cake, and have farm animal decorations. I am not sure what that day will bring but I do know that it will not be easy.

We went out to dinner on Monday with some family and right beside our table was a big blue butterfly (fake one) hanging in the plant. None if the other tables that we saw had one but ours. I think that was her way of saying that she was joining us for dinner. My daughter was not one to miss a good meal, just like her mommy!

Love you Bella,
Mommy

My little teacher's pet

My internet has not been working for the past week which left me not only unable to blog but also unable to keep up with everyone else blog. It is amazing how lost you can feel without internet access. Last week I had an extraordinary visit with Isabella's teacher and the principal from her school. As I have written in previous blogs Isabella's school is blessed with wonderful people from the teachers to the cook that made all of her lunches. I had them over for lunch and we exchanged stories about Isabella. It was so amazing to hear about all of the things that she did at school, stories that I would have otherwise never heard. It seems that my daughter was a little teachers pet, wanting to help set up for lunch and always listening when her name was called (which according to her teacher, the other children did not do).

Isabella and her teacher had a very special bond and her teacher felt very guilty after Isabella had passed. She felt like maybe she could have done more to prevent this from happening. I reassured her that there was nothing that she, I or the doctors could do. They brought me pictures of Isabella at school and I could not help but laugh and cry at the same time while I looked at them. I laughed because in every picture she had her mischievous little smile and I cried because I saw how happy she was there. In one picture she has this smile that is so full of love and happiness. That type of smile that only comes when you are experiencing such true joy. That same picture they have hung in a frame in the classroom, and it makes me happy that they have done that. The parents and the teachers at the school also did a fundraiser in her name and raised money for the Sick Kid's Hospital. This is a fundraiser that they will continue to do every year.

That visit meant so much to me because I was afraid that the people at her school would forget about her and that would just brake my heart. But instead they are honouring her life and I think that Isabella is smiling down at that thought. I know that when we were having our lunch she was right there with us listening and laughing as we exchanged stories.

We will never forget you my sweet angel.

Peek a boo!!

This video was taken by my cousin Alex whom Isabella loves!!! This is just a little peek at what a little Monkey Isabella is. She was always happy and wanted to make everyone around her happy. She did a great job at that. Hopefully this video will bring a smile to all of your faces as it does for me.

Marisa

You are not alone

This song has brought so much comfort to me over the last few weeks. I wanted to share it with everyone in hopes that it may bring you all some comfort.


Marisa

The big blue butterfly

The other day I had the most amazing experience with a butterfly. I have not seen very many butterflies this year. Although the ones that I have seen have always come at times of need, times when I needed comfort or a sign.

On Saturday I was going outside to wait for my sister, brother in law and my God daughter to come over for the afternoon. I walked to the area between our house and my neighbour/good friends house. I don't like calling them my neighbours because they have become more like family to us. They have been a constant source of support during the past months. The are between our houses is quite big so we designated it as our little piazza. It has a little table with chairs, flower pots, herb pots and tiki lights. We often sit there at night and have a coffee, beer, or just chat. Well on that particular Saturday a big blue butterfly came for a visit and was not scared of by me. It flew around my head, my arms, my shoulders and just kept circling me. I have never seen a butterfly that was so comfortable being so close to people. It stayed to welcome my sister and her family, and even posed for pictures. I have not seen the butterfly since. The beautiful part is that inside one of the flower pots in the piazza I placed a big blue butterfly and said that this is so Isabella is always here with us. I guess that Isabella wanted to make her presence known. She truly is the best! Thank you Bella, mommy loves you.

Send Me On My Way

On the hot and sticky day I am inside my air conditioned house and am listening to a C.D that my brother in law Charlie had made for Isabella's service. It is a C.D filled with Isabella's favourite songs. I can just imagine her dancing with a huge smile on her face saying, "Mommy what took you so long?" Believe me, I have tried to listen to this music before but have not been strong enough. I don'"t know if I am stronger or braver, but I am listening to her music in hopes that it brings her closer to me. Her favourite song that we used to dance to every night is the first song on the C.D and I never realised what the song was called until now. It is called, Send me on my way. I wonder if she knew all along that she was going to leave me and is she was using that song to try to prepare me for it. I almost hope that she knew that it was her time and that she was okay with it. I hope that she was ready to leave.

I went to the doctors today and my doctor is the same doctor that Isabella had. He is a lovely person and he was so good with her. All of the nurses at his office loved her and she knew it. The last time that we were there she was running behind the reception desks and trying to go through the receptionist purses and of course nobody minded. One nurse was particularly fond of Isabella and would always tickle her and play with her. As soon as this nurse saw me her face changed from normal to full of sadness. It was the look that I hate to receive from people. I know that she did not mean to do it and probably did not even realise that she did. I could tell what she was thinking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think poor her. I am the mother of a beautiful, loving and special girl and I would not change that for anything. Instead look at me and think, wow she is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Even though her time here was not long enough for my liking, each moment was so special. So if you see me and are unsure what to say or what to do, please just be yourself and don't feel sorry for me.

Signs

Where have the last four months gone? It seems like yesterday that I came home from the hospital with empty arms, yet March 10th was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have not held Isabella in a lifetime, yet in reality this is only a taste of whats to come. I have been reading on many blogs that the second year is harder then the first and I cannot imagine it getting any harder. The sadness has not faded, the confusion is not gone and I am pretty certain that they never will be. The only difference in that now I do have little glimmers of hope. I hope that someday I will have more children, I hope that someday we will find a cure for Strep A and I hope that Isabella is watching me and is smiling. The only thing that I am certain about is that I will see my daughter again and that is the day that I am waiting for.

I had my first moment of forgetting this week and it took me by surprise. I was thinking of the First Halloween shirt and the Birthday shirt that Isabella wore. I was thinking of how nice it would be if I gave them to her future children as a memory of their mom. Then it hit me that Isabella will never get married or have children. It was as if I had not thought of that before and it was the first time that it hit me and I have to admit that it felt terrible.

We finally bought our couches and I know that Isabella loves them. Before we left to go couch shopping I invited Isabella to come with us and I asked her to show me a sign if she liked the couches. We found some that we liked and we thought that they would be out of our price range and miraculously they were a lot less expensive then we expected. Them when we went into the sales ladies office I saw an orange butterfly on her desk that looked similar to the ones that we placed in Isabella's flowers at the cemetery. There was my sign that Isabella was pleased. I look for these signs daily as take them as my daughter is letting me know that she is near.

I love you Bella

Strep A Fundraiser

I know that I have written about the supportive family and friends that I have but I do not think that that my words have done them justice. The reason that I am able to smile and not crumble to the floor is due to the love of all of our family and friends. I once read somewhere that we have angels walking among us and that they come in the image of the people that we meet throughout our lives. I have to say that I have many angels around me each and everyday and they are my family and friends.

As I write this I am so overwhelmed with appreciation and thanks for an event that took place in my daughters honour. Today was a family and friends picnic which was also a fundraiser to raise money for Strep A Research through Mount Sinai Hospital. I know that in one of my firsts posts I had written that I wanted to have a fundraiser/walk in Isabella's name. Through discussion with my husband we had come to the conclusion that this year we should experience all of our firsts without Isabella and not add any other stress for ourselves. I am definitely going to do a fundraiser but just not this year. My amazing family knew how important it was to me to raise awareness about this illness that they organised a fundraiser/picnic all on their own. They had a banner that had Bella's Butterfly kisses written on it, a cake with butterflies, purple (color of Strep A awareness) balloons released into the sky, blown up pictures of Isabella, games, prizes and approximately 150 people who attended.

I was so worried because I did not want people to feel pressured to donate money or support the cause but everyone who attended the event was so generous and did it because they wanted to. The event raised $2150,00 for research for Strep A. I can only imagine how this money is going to help other people. I pray that I will live to see a cure for this horrible disease. This event has gotten us that much closer to that outcome.

I did not attend today's event because I was just not ready. Instead I sent a letter that I had written stating my overwhelming appreciation to everyone who attended. I just wish that I could really let everyone know how thankful I am because words just do not seem like enough. My biggest fear was that Isabella was going to be forgotten by everyone but my close family but I have to say that today made it so obvious that she will always be present in every ones hearts and minds. I am sure that today Isabella was smiling down at all of the love that people have for her. Heaven was lit up with her smile and she is probably banging her chest saying, "I love you," I truly love you all and want you to know that I have a soft spot in my heart for all of you. I am so honoured to be part of such a fantastic family and group of friends. Thank you for honouring my princess and showing her how loved she is. I truly love you all.

It finally happened

It finally happened! My husband and I were looking for new couches and the salesman asked me if I had any children. I have been anticipating being asked this question and even practiced how I would respond. I surprised myself at how I was able to say that I had one child. He continued to inquire and asked me what the gender was and I replied a girl. I was thinking that it would end there I was satisfied with my answer. Then he continued and asked how old she was. This question always fumbles me because she would have been almost 21 months but when she passed she was 18 months. I was not ready to divulge my story of her passing to a sales man that I had just met so I stated that she is 18 months old. He still continued saying that they are a handful at that age. I wanted to shout, I wish that I was experiencing the handful that toddlers can be but instead I am sitting and wondering what it would be like. But instead, I just nodded and said yes they are.

I did it and I did not cry. I was able answer the many questions about my daughter and not allow it to ruin my day. Instead I found that I was so proud of her and I loved talking about her. The problem is that I love talking to her in present tense. In my heart she is still alive and that is how I want it to stay.

One of those days

I haven't posted in a while but have been trying to keep fairly busy. We celebrated my nieces first birthday on the weekend and I know that Isabella was with us in spirit. With Canada Day approaching, I am a little nervous about having another holiday without her here with us. I think that this year my husband and I will celebrate Canada Day just the two of us. Overall, I have been trying my best to stay strong and to remember all of the good memories.

This morning I felt like I was ready to watch one of Isabella's videos which has proven to be very difficult. It is a video that I took 2 weeks prior to her passing. It is a video of my mother chasing her up the hall trying to catch her to give her a bath. Isabella is running up and down the hall naked squealing with joy. It captures all of the excitement and wonder that she had in a 2 minute clip. Even typing this is hard because I think of that little voice and that uplifting spirit that was so present in everything that she did. Let's just say that I had a good cry this morning remembering and missing all of those precious moments.

Later in the morning my father in law called asking if I could take him to the hospital, the same hospital that I had brought Isabella to on March 10th. Thank goodness that my sister in law took him instead because I don't think that I am presently ready or will ever be ready to go to that hospital. I would not chance seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers that all came to help us or console us that day. Even though I know in my heart that they tried their best to save her, in the end I still had to return home without her. That day runs through my head like it was yesterday. All of the fear, sadness, confusion rushes back as if I am reliving the moment again and again. The funny thing is that I don't ever want to lose that moment even though it was so painful. I am not quite sure why but I want to always remember what I felt on that exact day.

Today is one of those days when I am going to open up my book and escape to a world that has no loss, no tears and no pain. I am going to make a warm drink, sit outside and read the day away and I am not going to feel guilty about having an unproductive day. I think that I deserve it!

A poem for Bella

Isabella's Poem
A ray of light
A soft summers breeze.
A sunset that brings me to my knees.

Tiny drops of rain
A bright blue sky.
The songs of birds as they fly high.

A sparkling star
The moon so bright.
The sweet smell in the air on a summers night.

Signs from above
I receive everyday.
You tell me, "Mommy, it's okay."

I close my eyes
And blow a kiss
Until we meet again
These signs I'll never dismiss.

I love you Bella

Isabella's Daddy

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I think that I am more anxious for Father's Day then I was for Mother's Day. I hurt for my husband and I know that tomorrow is going to be such a hard day for him. I don't want to See him in pain, if I could I would go through all of the pain for both of us. Much like I was on Mother's Day he has chosen that tomorrow will be treated like just another day. That is not to say that we are going to forget that we are parents, we are just not in the mood to celebrate without out precious girl.

Even though we are not celebrating F.D tomorrow, I still want the world to know about the two most amazing Father's in the world, my father and my husband. Firstly my father is amazing for many reasons but the one that I want to celebrate is the fact that he shared such a special relationship with my daughter Isabella. Isabella had Grandpa wrapped around her little finger. From the day that she was born Grandpa would melt at the sight of her. Grandpa would take her for walks around the pond and show her all of the swans. He would let her sleep on his lap or watch her favourite shows with her. Grandpa misses her so much and reads her a book every time that he visits her at the cemetery. Isabella loves her Grandpa.

Even though Isabella had so much love to give she did not love anyone more than she loved her Daddy/Papa. She would wait at the window every evening and shake with excitement every time that she would see Papa's car pull up the driveway. When Papa and Bella were together it was like nobody else was in the room. The patience that my husband had for Isabella was like no other. He never got frustrated, or upset with the sleepness nights, or early mornings. Instead he would cuddle and kiss her with all he had. Papa would read Isabella her favourite stories, take her for walks, sing her songs and teach her so many new things. He would tickle her, kiss her and cuddle her at every chance that he got. He would play with her in the bathtub and dance with her every night before bed. Daddy made sure that every night he was there to put Bella into her pajamas, read her the bible and say her prayers before bed. Even if he had to go out, he would make sure that he did not leave until all of that was done. Isabella was so proud of her daddy and was definitely a daddy's girl. When Mommy would pick her up from school, she would ask for Papa. I hope that my husband always remembers that Isabella loves him so much and that he is the true example of what a father should be.

Thank you to my father and to my husband for being so important not only to me but to my precious girl, Isabella

Time with my niece

My niece which is also my Goddaughter has brought me so much joy this week. She is turning one and she is such a little ham. She reminds me so much of what Isabella was like at her age. She was throwing things on the floor, she points at everything that she sees and loves to be in her stroller. She has the cutest little smile and her little giggle is so funny. I am so blessed that I have her around at this time. When Isabella first gained wings, I was afraid to spend time with my niece. I thought that being with her would make me feel worse, or that I was betraying Isabella by enjoying the company of another child. Yet, instead she makes me smile, laugh and even cry because I see so many similarities between her and Bella. I know that Isabella is not angry with me. Instead she is saying, Mommy what took you so long? Those who knew Isabella knew that she loved Mya from the day that Mya was born and that Isabella did not have a jealous streak in her body. She never would cry when I would hold other babies because Isabella babies too. She would have been such a great big sister as she was a fantastic big cousin. I always imagined her handing me diapers or bum cream, or helping me feed her future siblings. I wonder if Mya and Isabella`s future siblings will think of her as little and not older then them. They will always only see the little Isabella and it may be hard for them to refer to her as their big cousin or bog sister. It doesn`t matter how they rememebr her as long as they remember.

Isabella, the fact that you LIVED will never be forgotten.

Fifi and the Flowertots

Presently I am sitting outside in the front of the house with my computer and I see a bee on one of our trees. It makes me think of one of the shows that Isabella would watch called, Fifi and the Flowertots. It is a show about a nasty little bee who plays ricks on his flower friends. In all honesty, it was on at a time when she was usually sleeping on my lap and I had it on in the background. Yes, I liked the show too. I would leave it on so that if she woke up she would see it on the television and it would help to put her back to sleep.

I wonder if I will ever have one of those moments again. The moments when your daughter is sleeping on your lap and you say to yourself, I am truly blessed and I couldn't be happier. I hope that I have more moments like that in the future, I just wish that she was here to experience them with me.

Thinking of you always, Isabella.

Time

Friday marked three months since I have held Isabella. I cannot believe that it has been that long yet on the other hand it feels like an eternity. I sill think of her as my eighteen month old monkey, yet she would have been twenty one months old. In my mind she is still my little baby, and I think that no matter how many years go by that is what she will always be.

Sundays for me bring a wave of emotions. Sunday evenings are always difficult because I sit and think of the week that passed and all of the things that I did. Then I remember that I did them without my daughter Isabella at my side. I did not have to rush home for nap times, or prepare healthy snacks or change dirty bums. I did not have to prepare her bag for school, or sit and reread the same stories over and over. Instead I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted. I could watch t.v, read a book, go for a walk or even go shopping, all things that I once enjoyed doing. Yet now I don't want time to myself. I had years of time to myself and I was happy dedicating my time to being Isabella's mother. Even though I am still her mother and will always be her mother I am still left with all of this time. I now know how precious the time that we had together was and I am thankful that we took advantage of every second. I have learned that you can never get that time back and that nothing that you do in life should ever be a waste of time.

Making Bella proud

I just returned from a group support meeting for bereaved parents. I look forward to these meetings because I get to speak about Isabella and I get to hear about all of the precious children that are missed dearly. There are so many parents that miss their little ones and are trying to get through the day a minute at a time.

Tonight another bereaved mother said something to me that has given me strength in more ways then she will ever know. She said that she looks forward to seeing us (Frank and I) at the meetings because we give her strength. I told her that I promised Isabella that I would make her proud and she said that she already is. These words touched me so profoundly. All I can ask is that I can make Isabella proud of me each and everyday. I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that If I am able to give someone strength and in the process am making my princess proud.

I love you Bella, now and always.

Let me introduce you to Isabella

This was Isabella's first birthday cake. I was so excited because it was my first time working with fondant. I was planning on making her one every year, I am still planning on doing that.


This is Isabella playing with her plastic grapes during her birthday party. I miss those beautiful eyes.



This is Isabella in her monkey pajamas. She was sitting in her bumbo chair. I am sorry that the picture is sideways. I am not computer savvy and am surprised that I was able to upload the pictures at all.

This is my little monkey in her high chair while I was feeding her cereal. Breakfast is her favourite meal. She loves her food, just like her mommy!

This is Isabella playing on Mommy's bed, which she loves to do. If you look carefully you could see her harness that she was wearing because of her hip dysplasia. We spent so much time cuddling on mommy's bed. I miss that!

I though that it was time for me to share my Isabella with you. I wanted you all to see the little princess that stole my heart, taught me how to live for the moment and showed me the meaning of unconditional love.

I am so proud that she calls me mommy!

Thank you

I have to say that the weather has been amazing lately. I know when I began this journey (sounds better then loss) I did not embrace the sun. Right now, the sun has been a welcomed change and I spend every moment possible sitting outside.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately, and it seems to be helping me a little. At the moment I have resolved my anger with God and no longer feel like it is me against the world. I still do not understand why God chose Isabella, but I do not understand why God chooses any precious child. If I had the power to change the situation I would do so in a heartbeat, and bring Isabella and all of our children back. But, I recognise that God did choose her for his own reason. He has a plan for her and it involves her waiting in heaven for me surrounded by all of the family and friends who went before her. I know that she is happy and I imagine her with a smile on her face looking down on me. I also imagine her in Mother Mary's arms with one of her hands slipped down her shirt (which those who know Isabella knows she did often).

I am not healed, I am not better, but lately I have found myself smiling a little more. I truly believe in the power of prayer and I want to thank everyone who has taken the time out of their day to pray for the healing of me and my family. I can feel your prayers and I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart.

The support from family, friends and people who have never even met me, is what is helping me cope through these times.

Thank you

Beautiful Smile

When I think back to Isabella's short time here with us, I think of all of the many things that she had to go through. She was born with Hip Dysplasia, which basically means that her hips were dislocated and underdeveloped. This was detected at birth and is common in first born female children.

From 6 weeks on Isabella was in and out of the hospital for ultrasounds and x-rays to determine if her condition was improving or not. This included waking her up out of her sleep and bringing her to the hospital for early appointments. In true Isabella fashion, she did it with a smile. I cannot believe how brave and cooperative she was through all of that commotion. I am so proud of her. As if that wasn't enough, she had to wear a harness, which restricted her leg and hip movement. She had to wear the harness for 23 hours a day for the first nine months of her life. Basically she was only able to kick her legs in the bathtub or during diaper changes. Once again, she went through this with a huge smile on her face.

Isabella always had that beautiful smile on her face. She loved life, loved her family and never complained or fussed no matter what was thrown at her. I am trying to learn from her example and to trust that everything will be okay. Isabella, you are who I aspire to be like. Mommy has never been more proud of you. You are my best friend and for that I am truly blessed.

Missing you always!

I miss you

Isabella, I miss you everyday but today I realise that my missing you is a permanent part of my day. I need a hug today more then ever. Not an ordinary hug, but a Bella hug. The hug where you hold on so tight and nestle your head in my neck. The type of hug where your legs are wrapped around my waist. The hug that is accompanied by the word, Mama. The type of hug that only you can give. I miss your smile, your dancing, your kisses through the window, and especially you hugs. I MISS YOU!!!!!

I wonder.......

As I sit here now and write this entry I can't help to think that Isabella would have been 20 months old today. I wonder how much taller she would have been or how long her hair would have gotten. I wonder if her hair would have been even curlier or if I finally would have been able to tell if her eyes were green or hazel. I wonder if she finally would have grown an appreciation for potatoes or if she would have continued with her eggs and avocado streak. I wonder what new words she would have learned and what other crafts she would have made at school. I wonder if we would still sit through the Wiggles movie or if we would sit through another favourite show. I wonder how she would have looked in all of the summer clothes that I had bought her and the floppy hat that has been sitting in her closet because it has been to big to wear. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder........ My day is full if wondering and wishing that I did not have to wonder.

Happy 20 month birthday Isabella. I love you and think of you every day.

Working Through Grief

Thank you to all of my visitors today, my sister, my aunt and cousin and my mother. Having family around makes the minutes go by much faster. It also helps that they brought food and dessert. Sitting around and being able to talk about Isabella with people that love her is so important to me.

Tonight I attended a workshop on Grief and Working Through It, presented by Alan D. Wolfelt. I have to say that I initially did not want to go but with the persuasion of my mother decided to attend. I attended with my mother, my husband and a dear friend who has also experienced loss in her life. It was weird sitting in an auditorium with a bunch of people and wondering what their story was. Who had they lost that had brought them to this place? It is also comforting to be reminded that everything that I am feeling is normal and that I will eventually come to a point where I will live again. First I need to properly grieve, mourn, and allow myself as much time as I need to do so. I was reminded that the I cannot skirt the outsides of grief but only to journey through it. If anyone has the opportunity to attend one of his workshops, I would suggest doing so. It is beneficial not only for people who have experienced loss but also for people who want to properly support people who have had a loss.

Isabella, I will grieve you, mourn you and cry for you. I will never stop talking to you, loving you and praying for Mother Mary to protect you. You are now and will always be my daughter and for that I am truly blessed.