Sunday, February 17, 2013

Family Day

Another Valentines Day has passed and this year I struggled with the fact that Bella was not here. I bought her a beautiful pink stuffed rose and bought her a card with a butterfly on the front. I was hoping to go and see her and give it to her on Valentines day but the weather was to cold to take Julian outside. The cemetary closes at four thirty in the winter so was unable to go when Frank got home from work. Of course this brought on the guilt of not bringing her her present. I felt as though I was choosing one child over the other. Instead I put the card and flower in her bedroom until the weekend came and we went to bring it to her. I know in my heart that Bella is not there at the cemetary. I know that she is present within our home. She is here with us each and everyday. But I still feel the guilt when I do not go to the cemetary. The cemetary was once a place that brought me comfort. I would have slept there if I could have just to feel close to her. But now it represents a place of sadness, a place of lost hopes and dreams. It saddens me that Julian is going to spend way to many days there visiting his big sister. I know that Valentines Day is just a day but to me it is just another reminder of another day that she is not here. A day that she should be here writing valentines cards and eating heart shaped cookies. Maybe in heaven she is doing just that. If you are Bella eat a heart shaped cookie for me. It is the night before Family Day and even though I am blessed to have Julian and Frank here with me I miss Isabella so much. I wish that the four of us could sleep all snuggled together in our bed. We could put on the tv and sleep in as long as Juliam would let us. Then we could get up and I would make blueberry pancakes or whatever else my little princess requested. We would play with Julian and Isabella would help us to keep him occupied, making silly faces, singing him songs and reading him books. When Juliam went down for his nap, Bella and I would do a craft or bake some cookies. I know that people reading this may think that I am torturing myself by imagining what could have been. Our lives could have been so different if March 10th had a different outcome. I haven't given up hope on that time machine but until then I will keep imagining. Enjoy your families not just tomorrow because it is Family Day but every day because you can.