Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Got through the holidays

I have gotten through the holidays, or have I? Does it count when you retreat in your home and pretend that the holiday does not exist? Does it count when you ignore the phone because you are afraid that someone is going to say the dreaded words of Merry Christmas? Does it count when you do not rush through the malls searching for the perfect gift for the people that you love. I know deep down that I did not really get through the holidays because I did not acknowledge that the day was here. The only decorations that I saw were the ones that family had placed with Isabella at the Cemetery.

I know that next year if I do decide to acknowledge the holiday it will be just as hard or even harder as it was this year. I know that some day I will have to put up a Christmas tree, attempt the malls for Christmas Shopping and even attend Holiday parties. The one thing that will be consistent every year is that I will have to go to the Cemetery in order to visit my baby girl. That is something that I will never enjoy, or never get used to. It is one of those things in life that you don't want to do because it is so unnatural.

My husband pointed something out to me at the cemetery. Isabella is resting in an area that has a large window. Outside the window is a tree that was decorated with ornaments. The whole cemetery has trees surrounding it but the tree that is in front of Isabella's window is the only one that is decorated. Isabella is the only person facing that window because she is in a section of the cemetery all on her own. I may never know who decorated that tree, but I will forever be grateful to that person. They took the time to do something special for someone that they may not even know. I like to think that there are Angels that look after the cemetery and they do special things like this to put a smile on our faces.

Thank you to all of the Angels in my life that are there for me today and always.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Thoughtful People

The month is almost over and then I can say that I got through my first Christmas without Bella. I never thought that I would have made it to this point, but here I am. I have met many people throughout these last months that have become very special to me. There is a man who I met in my child loss group who lost his teenage son 9 years ago. He walks near my school every morning because he lives in the area. He stopped by my school Thursday morning to tell me that he was thinking of Frank and I and knew how hard this weekend was going to be. I was thouched that through his own greif he thought of us enough to let us know that we were in his thoughts. As I have said before, parents who have lost a child are all part of a club that we never wanted to join. I am yet to meet a bereaved parent who is not willing to help out another parent in need.

I have to say that I have been honoured the last few days by the donation tributes that have been coming in through the mail. My sister and her family as well as cousins and their families have made donations to a Canadian Dr. who does research and testing for Strep A and other Infectious diseases. I know that Isabella is so proud and honoured that people are helping while honouring her at the same time. My aunt and cousin bought clothes that would fit a two year old girl and are donating them to a charity. This is the first year that I can actually say that I understand the true meaning of Christmas and it looks like I am not the only one.

I always worry that people are going to forget about Isabella and how special she was. Instead my family has shown me that she is now and will always be at the centre of their hearts. If my family is reading this, I want them to know that I am truly grateful for them, their support and their generosity.

Best wishes for everyone, no matter what you celebrate. I am thankful for your kind words, support and that you take the time to read about my jourey through loss.

God Bless

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Bella in Kindergarten

Today at work a little boy in my Kindergarten class put a real smile on my face. His behaviour reminds me so much of Isabella. He is so independent and likes to do everything on his own. It reminds me of Bella and how she could be so persistent in trying to do things on her own. It was one of the many qualities about her that I love so much. The boy in my class does not like any other students in the class hold his hand or touch him. Even though Bella loved to sit on my lap and cuddle and kiss but she hated when anyone held her hand. She did not like her hands confined and always needed them free to touch whatever she wanted. When we were walking on the sidewalk I would often have to hold her wrists so she could not pull her hands free, she hated that.

Watching this boy today was like watching what Bella would have been like in a few years. I imagine that she would have been that same way in Kindergarten. She would have insisted on completing things by herself even if it took her ten times longer then everyone else. She would have refused to hold hands with other students, even if the rest of the students were doing it. She would have been that student right at the front at circle time, just so she could hear the story perfectly and have a clear view of the pictures.

I am able to see some of Bella in the students in my class and for a moment it is as if I am watching her right in front of me.
I know that my daughter would have loved Kindergarten and the teacher and students would have love her.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Busy time of year.

Everyday at work I sit through people discussing how busy this time of year is and how they are going crazy trying to finish their Christmas shopping. I hate to say this but I am jealous of all of them. I am jealous of the people whose biggest worry was if they are going to finish their shopping on time or if they did not find the perfect gift for that special someone. I remember when that was me and those were my biggest worries.

Christmas once used to be a time of running around, Christmas visits, Holiday music and Christmas Cheer. This year Christmas is none of that. Instead it is just a day. A day that is causing me anxiety and stress. Not because I am rushing around and doing shopping, but instead because I am missing my girl.

Miss you Bella baby, today and always


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Nine Months of Empty Arms

Yesterday marked nine months since I have held Bella in my arms. I still cannot believe that it has been that long, it just does not seem real to me. I think of all of the memories that the first nine months of her life brought and it upsets me because that is all that I am left with.

I wonder if in heaven you have memories of your earthly life. I wonder if Bella thinks of me, or if she misses me. They say that in heaven there is no time, so maybe she does not even realise how long we have been apart. I just hope that she does not see me crying or know that I am sad without her. The hardest thing is knowing that her spirit is around me and not being able to see her or touch her.

Every night I pray for strength and courage for myself and my family. I pray for the strength to face another day and the courage to let my guard down and trust in the universe and Gods plan for me. Please continue to pray for my family and that we can someday enjoy this beautiful world once again.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My First Christmas in Heaven

I have posted a poem below that was given to me by my aunt. I wanted to share it with everyone because it is so beautiful. Even though the words do bring me some comfort, I wish more then anything that Isabella was celebrating with me instead of Jesus.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing
or love He has for each of you.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A nice quote

I read a quote yesterday and it really struck home with me. It was, "the more precisely you plan your future, the harder destiny hits." I cannot beleive how much I could relate to those words. When Bella passed away, I was in the process of planning when we would get pregnant with our next child and the age difference that Bella and that child would have between them. I planned that I wanted to keep Bella at her Montessorri school until grade one, when I would then bring her to the school that I teach at. I think that sometimes God wants to remind us that he is in charge, not us. What better way to do that then to shake up someones life.

I now fear making future plans because I don't know what that the next 24 hours will bring, never mind the next 25 years. when you really think about it, we try our best to be good parents who teach our children to be good people. Sometimes, we have no control over the outcome of our childrens lives and that is a scary thing.

I guess that the only thing that we could do is hope for the best and know that God is always watching over them. In my case, I know that Bella is watching over me and protecting me from above.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Just another day!

Well, today is my birthday and as with the other holidays that recently passed I have chosen to not celebrate this day. My husband this morning said to me before he left the house, "you are old." I simled because that was his was of acknowledging that he remembered without saying the dreaded word. I had many kind calls and e-mails of support from people who said that they are thinking of me today and they were all very appreciated. My friend Patricia texted me, "happy just another day", which made me laugh. I know that people may think that I am crazy for being like this, but truly I don't care what people think.

I did the one thing today that I wanted to do which was go to the cemetary. I told Bella how much I live her and miss her and then I just went on with my day. Another year has gone and another years worth of lessons I have learned. The most important lessons that I have learned this year is not to plan to far ahead (take every day as it comes), not to take family for granted, never say or do anything that you will regret because you can't always take those things back, life is very umpredictable, and the power of prayer is so strong. I want to always keep those lessons in the front of my mind so that I could always look at the world with a new set of eyes.

It truly is just another day.