Thursday, September 29, 2011

I am busy again

It has been a while since I have written. It is not because I have nothing to say but because I have been super busy. I have been back at work since the last week of August and on top of that I am taking a religion course every Monday and some weekends and that will continue until December. I have also joined a new Child Loss Group which I attend once a week. For the last seven months I have not had that feeling of being busy and I have to say that the feeling is very familiar. I remember the feeling of rushing to Isabella's school, struggling to make dinner as she ripped all of the plastic bags from the drawer. I remember not even being able to go to the washroom in silence because Isabella always wanted to be in there with me. I remember the feeling of being busy and I missed that it.

Last week on the news I saw that a scientist believes that he has diproven Eisenstein's theory of nothing being faster then the speed of light. The scientist feels that if this is true that Time Travel may be possible. It made me wish that this was true and that I could go back in time, even just for a moment. Even just to tell her that I love her one last time, or to run my finger through her curls, or to have her sleep with her head on my tummy. Al of those things that I took for granted, that now I am relying on a time machine to go back in time to experience once again.

The past week as been full of ups and downs. It is exactly like the book says. Greif sneeks up on you when you least expect it an it makes itself nice and comfortable. I knew that this month would be difficult but I never expected to feel as low as the lows feel. I guess that this is just practice for all of the birthdays and anniversaries that are to come.

Wish me luck

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

On this day two years ago I became a mom to the most amazing little girl. She had us wrapped aruond her finger as soon as we looked into her eyes. On that day I never imagined that I would end up here, but here I am. I never imagined that I would be singing Happy Birthday to a picture and a Birthday Balloon. I guess this is my new normal.

This morning we went to the cemetary to visit Isabella. We brought her a Happy 2nd Birthday balloon and a Birthday card. It was hard to sit there and look at her picture and wonder if she is celebrating her Birthday in heaven. We bought some of Isabella's favourite books and some colouring books from cartoons that she liked and brought them to her school. I know that she would be happy with that. I made her a heart shaped Birthday cake this morning and even though it did not come out as good as the one that I made her last year, I am happy that I made it. I want to make her a cake every year on her day.

I was suprised to come home as see a vase of flowers at the door. The flowers were Gerbera Daiseys which are my favourite. The flowers were from the Principal at Isabella's school as well as her teacher. I knew that there was someting special about that place when I registered there and now I know that it is the people that work there. The card read that they are thinking of beautiful Isabella today and always.

Later today I am going to have a peice of her birthday cake and release a Birthday Balloon with a special message for her on it. I wish I could do more but for now this is how it needs to be.

I miss you Bella and look forward to the day when I can join your birthday party once again.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months since Isabella has passed. It is weird because for the first time I am actually feeling that I have to wait years and years to see her again. I guess that I always knew it but when you hear six months it puts into perspective how long it will be. Six months is a third of her life, that is so long.

I don't like the idea that I will not be the same person when that time comes. I wonder if I will be the same silly mommy that she knows and loves. I wonder if she will like the mommy that I become. I want to be the same person that she knows but know that with time and life experiences people change. I just don't want to harden, become angry and bitter. Isabella would definitely not recognise me then.

Yesterday was also my father's birthday and I know that Isabella was right there with us. She was right there on Grandpa's lap blowing out the candles and sharing his carrot cake with him. It was a hard day for all of us but we all knew that Isabella would have wanted us to celebrate.

I am half way through the month of September and have to admit that the month of September will always be a hard month for me.

Miss you Bella,


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Time is nothing but a word

My first day of school is done and I have to admit it was no so bad. It was hard seeing all of the parents with cameras taking pictures of their children's first day of school and knowing that I will never be taking those pictures with Isabella. I am now kicking myself for not taking a picture of Isabella on her first day of Montessori/preschool. I thought that I would have time to do all of those things, but I now realise that time is nothing but a word.

The parents of my new students were all wonderful and what I once thought were overbearing parents, I now see as parents who love their children so much. I think that my perspective has changed and I am now going to be a better teacher because of it.

When speaking with my sister today she said something that sums up exactly what I was feeling today. She said that at times of the day you get so overwhelmed with what you are doing that you forget that you have a life out of school. At times I forget that I have a daughter that is living in heaven and watching over me. It is a bitter sweet feeling because those moments bring peace but after that moment passes you remember that you are going straight home instead of picking up your child from school.

Isabella was watching me today and is watching me everyday. That is the only reason that I was strong enough to get through the day.

Thank you Bella for always helping Mommy through the tough times.


Monday, September 5, 2011


Tomorrow is the first official day of the school year. I have been into my classroom and my room is ready to go. I have had the opportunity to see all of my coworkers and have to say that everyone was very good. I was worried that people would dwell on the question of how are you.... To my surprise everyone was very normal which made my transition into returning to work easier.

I questioned changing schools when Isabella passed thinking that it may be easier to be around people who did not know my situation. I am so happy that I decided against that. I am so blessed with great friends at work and truly cherish their support. I am surprised that I have no Isabella's in my class this year due to the fact that it is such a popular name. I was a little worried about that but had no worry to. I am searching for a picture of Isabella to place on my desk so that I will always be able to see her beautiful face. I need to have her will me at school to get me through those tough days. Just look at that face!

I love you Bella!