Monday, April 16, 2012

My Reality

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog or even read any others.  I cannot even say that it is because I was to busy because I have way to much time on my hands now.  Truthfully I think that I just wanted to take a break from my grief.  I don't even think that it is possible but for a moment I did not want to be part of the child loss group.   Writing down my feelings means that I have to concentrate on them and that is the last thing that I want to do.  I am tired of being a mother whose child is in heaven.  I am tired of speaking to Isabella and imagining what she would say back.  I am extremely tired of missing her.  I just wish that for a moment God would take some pity on me and give me just one more minute with her.  In that minute I would memorize her smell, her voice, her laugh.  I would kiss under her neck and tell her that I loved her as many times as I can in 60 seconds.

I can only hide from my reality for so long because even though I don't want to be part of this group, I am.  I am part of a group that nobody wants to or should be a part of.   My reality is that I am here and my daughter is in heaven.  I have no idea what she would have looked like as a two and a half year old girl.  Even though I hate it, that is the reality of my life.