Monday, July 23, 2012

What would I be doing game

July is almost over and I really do not have much to show for it.  I find myself playing the "what would I be doing game," so much lately.  For example being that today is a hot day I probably would have taken Isabella swimming in the early morning before it got too hot.  Maybe after that we would go for an ice cream and for a lunch date just the two of us.  She probably would have a short nap (she never like to sleep in the afternoon) followed by some Wiggles video watching (she loves the Wiggles).  I would probably take her to the park or splash pad before dinner and when we got home she would wait by the window for daddy to come home.  This type of thinking is so hard to stop yet in some crazy way it brings me comfort.  For a moment while I am imagining what my day would be like I can experience that day with her. 

I miss you Bella and I hope that you are enjoying all of the things that a two and a half year old should be enjoying.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Where to start

I don't know where to start because it has been so long since I have written.  It is not due to lack of things to say but more due to not being able to face my emotions as much as I used to.  You would think that being in the second year of loss would be easier and that speaking about my feelings would come more naturally.  It is the opposite for me.  I find that as time goes on I am less able to discuss my feelings and memories of Isabella bring tears to my eyes more quickly then they used to. 

It has been a busy school year and I am happy to finally be on summer vacation.  I decided to change the grade that I will be teaching next year.  I am happy to be teaching older students and away from the age that Isabella would be approaching shortly.  She would have been three in September and teaching Kindergartens hit to close to home for me.

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy and I must say that this pregnancy is a little different then my pregnancy with Isabella.  When I was pregnant with Bella I did not have many of the symptoms that I have with this pregnancy, but overall I feel great.  Being pregnant again brought many emotions for me.  I had to face the reality that even though I don't want to and I don't like it having another child is the first step in moving forward with my life.  Even writing that makes my heart hurt because I do not want to move on.  I want to stay in the moment of when it was me, my husband and my daughter.  But how fair would that be to the little one that I am bringing into the world?  After Bella's passing I wanted to get pregnant right away.  If there was an orphanage near I would have went and adopted as many children as I could have fit in my arms.  I wanted to hold a child and pretend it was her.  My grief counselor had encouraged me to waita while before trying for another child.  She told me that I owed Bella her time as well as my future children.  I am so glad that I took her advice.  Looking back having a child at that time would not have been the smartest thing to do. Even though truthfully I don't know if you can ever be ready to put your heart on the line again and trust that you won't be hurt again.

I imagine Isabella rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.  I wonder if she is actually doing it and I don't see her.  I hope that she is here with me going through every step with me.   Isabella is going to be a big sister and my goal is to make sure that she always is remembered and cherished in our family.  She will always be my best friend, soul mate, first born, big sister and my little monkey/monster.

Mommy misses you sweet girl.