My letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I know that I am a grown adult but I am still a child at heart that believes that Santa can make her wishes come true. My wish this year is something big that might take many elves to make. It may not be ready for this year but I will wait because this wish is so special. My wish for you Santa is that you could buid me a time machine. Not just any time machine but one that not only fits me, but that could fit all of the many bereaved parents that I have met along the way. Once this time machine transports me back to a time before loss, I will appreciate every moment that I am in. I will slow down what I am doing instead of trying to fit so much within a day. I will hold each hug with Bella a little longer, and put her to bed a little later. I would try to stop making her grow up so fast and allow her to be a baby for that much longer. I would tell her how loved she is that much more and spend more time just looking into her eyes. Well Santa I will wait until my Christmas wish comes true. Until then I will use the time machine that is in my mind.

Holidays

Christmas is almost here and I am trying not to get tangled up in the emotion of not spending it with Isabella. I know that she is spending it with Jesus and all of the angels. Even though Frank and I are not ready to celebrate the holidays with it festivities, I am trying to make it special for Julian. I want him to look. Ack and see pictures of his first Christmas. We have stocking with his name and Bella's. Hyenas presents under the tree and he will be dressed up in a Christmas themed outfit. I feel bad that I am not allowing him to spend it with aloof his family,but it's what we need right now. Our Christmas will entail him visiting his sister and sending her Christmas love. That is our reality right now. Yummy egg nog, good food, my husband and my baby sill I need this Christmas. The only thing that could make it better would be Isabella running around. She will be with us in spirit. I love you Bella and know that you are watching over your baby brother.

I am sitting here watching the news about a senseless shooting in the United States at an elementary school. As a teacher and a parent I can feel the terror that everyone involved must feel. So many peopled killed for no reason. I am horrified by the thought of those parents whose life will forever be changed today. They probably have wrapped presents for their children under the tree and today may find out that their children have been killed. I pray for all of those families and I hope that they can find the strength to get through the rest of the day and many, many hard days months and years to come.

I finally found a few minutes to write something. I forgot what it was like to be busy every second of the day. Although I have to admit that I would not have it any other way. I love being home with Julian and having him all to myself. He is such a good boy and I can see so many similarities between him and Bella. Being that it's flu season Frank and I are being very vigilant with Julian and staying away from to many people and especially to being around people that are sick or have sick family members that live within thier household. Our pediatrician had told us that if a child under two becomes ill it is very dangerous. It is a risk thatI a not willing to take. It awkward to say to people that you would prefer that they would not come over at this time. But I am not afraid of an awkward conversation. My own sister hadn't seen Julian until he was almost One week and a half because my niece was ill and she did not feel well. My mother purposely took a week off of work to spend at my house but had a tickle in her throat so she went to the doctors and asked for a prescription just in case. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate that they did those things. It shows me that they respect my wishes no matter what they think of them. Being that Isabella caught a common virus that lead to something much worse I am on high alert of any illnesses (especially strep or throat issues). So do not take it personally if we decline a visit at this time. It is nice that Frank and I are on the same page regarding this. I think that he is as concerned as I am. Iris different raising achild after loss. The bliss of being a parent is often competing with the reality of what could be. Well I think that Iam going to try to sneak in some sleep while I can. Miss you Bella. Julian is so lucky to have you as a big sister.

My little man is here and he is such an amazing little boy. His name is Julian Joseph. He arrived on November 8th at 4:15pm via c-section. The experience of having a baby via c-section was totally different then the experience that I had delivering Isabella. I brought a picture of Isabella to the hospital with me. I needed to have her there with me just as she would have been if she was here. My recovery is proving to be quite different as well. My husband has really stepped up to the plate by taking care of alot of the household duties (laundry, dishes, meals) as well as,asking sure that I always have a full glass of water and have taken my medication. Being that I could not bend in the first week he also was responsible for diaper duty and I was his assistant. Thank goodness for Frank. Julian is such an amazing little guy. He is a big boy who was born at pounds 8 pounds 13. At his Dr. Apt. today he weighed in at 9 pounds 1. I have heard from so many moms of boys to watch out for their spray when yu are changing them. Today Julian proved them right. While changing him today he showered himself and me with a nice urine shower. Being a mom to a little boy is a whole new experience to me. I would not change it for anything. I have caught myself many times calling Julian Bella. While I am holding him I could convince myself that he is her. He looks like her and reminds me so much of her. I often see him looking out at "nothing" and concentrating so intently. I just know that he is looking at her. She would not miss her little brothers presence for anything. Bella, I miss you so much but I know that you are here with us always. You will alwaysbe my girl. I love you and know that you're going to be the best big sister ever. u

Nervous

As the babies due date gets closer, I get a little more nervous. I am not nervous about having another baby. It is the the idea about bringing another child into this world that is full of germs and diseases that I cannot prevent no matter how hard I try. It is scary to open up your heart again to a little one who cannot tell you that they feel sick or are in pain. I was very cautious of germs with Isabella and will be the same if not worse with this little one. I am already prewarnimg people that I don't want people coming over if they are sick or have someone in their home that is sick. I know what people are thinking. They are thinking that I am over paronoid and that I need to relax. That I need to expose my children to germs. My answer would be that until you have lost a child to a disease that began with a "common" virus please just respect my wishes. One in a million is still one on a million. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent anyone that I love from being another one. I will try to do this at the same time allowing my little man to experienc life without my fear overshadowing him. With that being said, I am getting very excited to meet this little man. I know that he will bring my world the light that has been lost the past year and a half. My family and friends are just as excited as we are to meet him. I know that this little guy is going to bring us all a little closer to Isabella through the fact that he is a part of her. I look forward to holding my son and showing him the beautiful world that we live in and introducing him to all of the beautiful people in this world who love him already.

Changes

  I feel as though the days are going by to fast and I am trying to slow them down.  So much has changed in the past year and a half and even though I have many great things that are happening, it scares me that the world is still turning without Bella here.

  Within my house alone so many things look different then when Bella was here.  All of the things that we wanted to do when Bella was here we have finally done.  I feel a little guilty that all of these changes are happening and I wonder if Bella would approve.  I wonder if she likes the new couches or the new lamps.  I hope that she still feels at home in our house even with all of the changes.

  Yesterday we sold my car that I had purchased twelve years ago.  It was the car that we brought Bella home from the hospital in.  We brought her to all of her ultrasound appointments when she had her hip brace on.  I picked her up from daycare everyday in that car.  It was very hard for me to see that car drive away and to know that Bella had never experienced our new car.  I know that my car is not Bella but I feel as though another piece of me has gone.  A piece that holds so many great memories with my daughter.

   Last night I felt the need to sleep with a picture of Bella in my hand.  I need to feel her close to me and for her to know that know matter what she will always be my best friend, soul mate, and first born


  I love you Isabella Grace.

Gratitude

    Gratitude is something that I struggle with at this point in my life.  I will always be grateful for Frank, Bella,  my little man and all of my family and friends.   Gratitude for the little things in life is what I find difficult.

    Suprisingly, earlier this week I found myself feeling grateful and it took me by surprise.  I was driving to my Obgyn office and decided to get her and the receptionist a coffee.  At that moment I felt grateful that I was able to treat someone to a coffee without worrying about it.  There are so many people who cannot afford the necessities in life and to them treating people to something is often difficult.  It was such a minor thing but I felt it, that gratitude.   As soon as realized what I was thinking I was amazed.  It has been so long since I have felt that feeling.   It felt nice to be grateful for something instead of being angry all the time.

   Hopefully my future will bring more of those moments so that each moment of gratitude will not be something to write about.

   I will always be grateful for you Bella baby.

I am thankful for....

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I have to admit that it has been a hard weekend.  I am not sure why today was harder then other days..  It is just one of those hard days that creep up on you.   I miss her so much and I wish that she was here.  I do have many things to be grateful for.  I am grateful for...

My husband Frank who is the most amazing man in the world.
My baby boy who is going to bring so much joy to our world.
My family and friends who have been there for me through thick and thin.
The ability for Frank and I to provide food, clothing and a good life for our family.
I am truly grateful for my daughter Isabella and for all of the moments that we shared.  I am thankful for those memories that help me to get through the toughest of times.

I love you Bella and miss you more and more with each day.

Happy Thanksgiving  sweet girl.

Love Mommy

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

You are no longer my little monkey, you are now my 3 year old monkey.   I can only imagine the little girl that you would have become.  I know that you would have been a beautiful girl with your curly black hair and your amazing eyes.  Some people called them brown, but I  still insist that they were green.  Just like daddies.  Your first birthday party was a tiara theme and I wonder what you would have requested this year.  I am convinced it would be animals because you loved playing with and saying the names of all of your animals.  Your little elephant is right beside me as I type this and has been there since you passed.  Just like you left it.  Mommy and daddy released a balloon each for you today.  I hope that they make thier way to you in heaven.  Mommy made you a butterfly birthday cake.  It is vanilla flavor just like the one that I made you for your first birthday.  

Trying to find the perfect card for you was impossible.  They don't make a card for this situation.  It doesn't exist.  All of the birthday cards are full of excitement and cheer, which is what birthdays should be full of.  Not loss, sadness and longing.  I hope that you like the one that I chose for you.

Isabella, I love you so, so  much and I miss everything about you.  I hope that you have a very happy birthday in heaven.  I hope that heaven is full of streamers and balloons just for you.  There will be a day that we will celebrate your birthday together once again.

I love you sweet girl and am sending you kisses form home.  You are mommy's best friend forever.

Love you

Preparing for Bella's brother

I am back.  It has been a while since I have posted my own thoughts or even read other peoples.  There has been so many days that I wanted to sit down and write, but the words did not want to come.  I have said it before that I just get tired of saying the same thing over and over again.  I miss Isabella so much and even though I am coping much better today then I was last year, the missing has not gone away.  It never will.  I miss her as much today as I did on March 10th, 2011.  Maybe,  even miss her more.

I am back at work and am trying to get the house ready for the new baby.  I am grateful for the distraction as Isabella's birthday approaches.  She would have turned 3 years old on September 20th.  Her and her brother would have been 3 years apart and have been so close.

I have started to get the babies room ready.  I had to go through Isabella's clothes and try to find things that her brother could wear as well.  I was not opposed to putting Bella is blue or green so it was not to hard to find some.  It brings me some comfort to know that her brother will wear some of her clothes and have a peice of her with him always.  The rest of clothes I had to fold up and put in storage containers.  I cried as I held up my favourite peices remembering how beautiful she looked in them.  I think that she was with me as I went through her clothes and that she gave me the courage to do so.  She gives me the courage to face each and every day.

I miss you sweet girl but I know that I will see your beautiful, eyes and sweet smile again.  I will hear your voice  and experience your kisses.  I look forward to the day that we meet again but until then your papa, brother and I will miss and love you always.

Mommy

"Little man"

"I miss you little monkey".   I cannot believe how many days have passed and how even though I look stronger from the outside the feeling of missing my daughter is stronger each and every day.  It just eats away at me and feels like a big ball of pain that is holding me down.  I am trying to stay strong for my "little man" so that I do not cause him any stress inside the womb.  I just want him to be cozy and safe at all times.  Yet I know that he feels my pain.  He knows that loss that I am feeling.   I read that stress could be as harmful for the baby as drugs or alcohol.   I expressed this to my OBGYN along with my concern over my stress.  She explained that stress and grieving are different.  That grieving is natural and will not harm the baby.  I just hope that along with feeling my pain that my "little man" also feels my love for him along with my anxiousness to hold him and tell him how much his mommy, daddy and big sister love him.

What would I be doing game

July is almost over and I really do not have much to show for it.  I find myself playing the "what would I be doing game," so much lately.  For example being that today is a hot day I probably would have taken Isabella swimming in the early morning before it got too hot.  Maybe after that we would go for an ice cream and for a lunch date just the two of us.  She probably would have a short nap (she never like to sleep in the afternoon) followed by some Wiggles video watching (she loves the Wiggles).  I would probably take her to the park or splash pad before dinner and when we got home she would wait by the window for daddy to come home.  This type of thinking is so hard to stop yet in some crazy way it brings me comfort.  For a moment while I am imagining what my day would be like I can experience that day with her. 

I miss you Bella and I hope that you are enjoying all of the things that a two and a half year old should be enjoying.

Mommy

Where to start

I don't know where to start because it has been so long since I have written.  It is not due to lack of things to say but more due to not being able to face my emotions as much as I used to.  You would think that being in the second year of loss would be easier and that speaking about my feelings would come more naturally.  It is the opposite for me.  I find that as time goes on I am less able to discuss my feelings and memories of Isabella bring tears to my eyes more quickly then they used to. 

It has been a busy school year and I am happy to finally be on summer vacation.  I decided to change the grade that I will be teaching next year.  I am happy to be teaching older students and away from the age that Isabella would be approaching shortly.  She would have been three in September and teaching Kindergartens hit to close to home for me.

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy and I must say that this pregnancy is a little different then my pregnancy with Isabella.  When I was pregnant with Bella I did not have many of the symptoms that I have with this pregnancy, but overall I feel great.  Being pregnant again brought many emotions for me.  I had to face the reality that even though I don't want to and I don't like it having another child is the first step in moving forward with my life.  Even writing that makes my heart hurt because I do not want to move on.  I want to stay in the moment of when it was me, my husband and my daughter.  But how fair would that be to the little one that I am bringing into the world?  After Bella's passing I wanted to get pregnant right away.  If there was an orphanage near I would have went and adopted as many children as I could have fit in my arms.  I wanted to hold a child and pretend it was her.  My grief counselor had encouraged me to waita while before trying for another child.  She told me that I owed Bella her time as well as my future children.  I am so glad that I took her advice.  Looking back having a child at that time would not have been the smartest thing to do. Even though truthfully I don't know if you can ever be ready to put your heart on the line again and trust that you won't be hurt again.

I imagine Isabella rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.  I wonder if she is actually doing it and I don't see her.  I hope that she is here with me going through every step with me.   Isabella is going to be a big sister and my goal is to make sure that she always is remembered and cherished in our family.  She will always be my best friend, soul mate, first born, big sister and my little monkey/monster.

Mommy misses you sweet girl.

Daddy's Little Princess

The school year is almost over and I am looking forward to the last day of school more then I can say.  I love my students but I feel emotionally and physically exhausted.  Even though going back to work in September  was good for my sanity, I now feel that I need these next few months of rest. 

At school we are getting ready for our Father's Day Fiesta that our class is hosting on Thursday and Friday.  It is going to be another day of watching proud parents watch their children sing songs and present their dads with a gift.  I can't help but think of my husband and what Father's Day is going to bring for him.  Frank was the proud daddy who would do anything for his little girl.  She was the little girl who loved being in the presence of her daddy.  Even if they were just sitting doing a puzzle they had fun doing it.  She never gave daddy a hard time. When they were together it was as if no one else was around.  It was beautiful to watch.   My daughter brought out the silly side of her Daddy that was reserved only for her.  I miss so much watching them together and knowing that they had a bond that would last a lifetime.

I will hold all of the amazing daddy's in my heart this Father's Day.  I know that Bella will be watching over her daddy and sending him kisses from above.  She will say, "I love you Daddy now and always".  We  miss you monkey and we love you more hen we ever new was humanly possible.

I Miss her

The only thing that I can think to write today is how much I miss my daughter. How much I wish that she was here in my arms.  How I wish that I was experiencing the end of the terrible two's and soon the troublesome three's.  I miss worrying about her every second of every day.  I miss the old me and the old life that we shared.

I miss you Monkey, now and always.

Mommy

Mother's Day

This weekend marked my husband and my fifth year anniversary as well as Mother's Day.  Last year both of those occasions were passed over and not acknowledged at my own request.  I could not bare to celebrate anything without Bella here.  This year I have allowed people to wish me best wishes for both occasions.  I think that Frank and I need to celebrate or at least acknowledge our anniversary for the fact that we made it through the last year is definately something.  You always here of couples who break up after the loss of a child and I think that Frank and I need eachother now more then ever.  I even am okay with people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  Even though it may not be a happy one, I am still the mother of the most beautiful girl in the world and I want the world to know!  I am so proud of Bella now and always will be.

I want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers out there.  There are so many amazing women who take such great care of thier children each and every day.  Some of those include my sister, family members and many of my friends.  I wish all of you a Happy Day. 

I espacially want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers who I have met though the Child Loss community.  You are all amazing mothers and mothering a child who is in Heaven is the hardest thing to do.  I want to acknowledge Nadia (Jason's mom), Michelle (Jack's mom), Jennie (Megan's mom),  Susan (Catherine's mom),  Steph (Gavin's mom), Ashley (Beck's mom), Maria (Carlie's mom), and Dianna (Joshua's mom).   I am sorry that we are all part of the Child Loss community but am happy that I have been given the chance to meet both you and your amazing children.  I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day.

And of course, Happy Mother's Day to my mom.  I love you!

I miss you Isabella and know that you are with me today and always.  Thank you for being my little girl.

Mommmy

Letting Go

Another spring is here and it just brings the realisation that another season has gone by without my Bella Baby.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I have or have not come in this past year.  When I think back to May 2011, I think of a hopeless women who was begging to be taken to heaven to be with her daughter.  Today, I now realise that it is not my time to go.  I know that Bella would want me here to take care of her daddy that she loves so much.  She would want me to have more children so that she could be a big sister.  I can now see some light in my life.  I now know that I will have moments of joy and moments of laughter.  This does not in any way mean that I am healed, or I am over it.  That will never happen. I guess that I am in the acceptance stage of my grief.  I don't like it but I have accepted it.  I think that when people see me smile, laugh or do something that resembles the "old Me,"  they often think that I am no longer broken.  I will always be broken, I am just now trying to put the pieces together again.

I was speaking to a friend and fellow bereaved parent about letting our children go. We were both agreeing that that is so hard to do.  This came up in conversation because I was telling her that I was told that I needed to let Bella go for her as much as for me.  I don't know how to do that.  I am unsure what that looks like.  Is it even possible to let our children go.  She will always be the centre of my world and that will never change.  I just hope that I am not holding her back from doing whatever her job in heaven is. 

Overall, I think that I am growing as a person, a parent a wife and a friend.  I think that this past year was the hardest year of my life and I don't wish that pain on anyone.  I hear that the second year is even harder then the first.  I just hope that I have learned some new coping skills to help me get through whatever the future years may bring.

My Reality

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog or even read any others.  I cannot even say that it is because I was to busy because I have way to much time on my hands now.  Truthfully I think that I just wanted to take a break from my grief.  I don't even think that it is possible but for a moment I did not want to be part of the child loss group.   Writing down my feelings means that I have to concentrate on them and that is the last thing that I want to do.  I am tired of being a mother whose child is in heaven.  I am tired of speaking to Isabella and imagining what she would say back.  I am extremely tired of missing her.  I just wish that for a moment God would take some pity on me and give me just one more minute with her.  In that minute I would memorize her smell, her voice, her laugh.  I would kiss under her neck and tell her that I loved her as many times as I can in 60 seconds.

I can only hide from my reality for so long because even though I don't want to be part of this group, I am.  I am part of a group that nobody wants to or should be a part of.   My reality is that I am here and my daughter is in heaven.  I have no idea what she would have looked like as a two and a half year old girl.  Even though I hate it, that is the reality of my life.

Some people....

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understanding

with the passing of thier wisdom.

Some people make the sky

more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for a while

Leave footprints on our hearts.

And we are never, ever the same. 

(Author is unknown)

I found this poem online and wanted to share it.  The poem describles exactly how I feel about Bella.  The ending of the poem says it all.

And we are never, ever the same.

1 Year

Today marks one year since Isabella's passing.  I thought that since I have never written about the day Bella passed, I would do so today.  As I tried to put that day into words I had to stop myself.  That day was to painful to even write about.  I don't think that I am ready to relive that day even if it is through my writing.

I woke up this morning not knowing what today would bring and I have to say that I made it through.  Early afternoon Frank and I went to the cemetery to visit Bella and later in the day we had a 1 year mass for Isabella at my church.  I was so amazed at the amount of people that came out to support us and to pray for Bella.  It is humbling to know that there are so many people that care about us and love and miss Bella.  I want to take this opportunity to thank all of those people who where there for us not only today but through the whole year.  You all have a special place in my heart.

Isabella, I miss you each minute of each and every day.  I love you more then I knew was humanly possible.  I am so blessed to be your mother and to have had all of the moments that we shared together.  Thank you for loving me and for showing me the meaning of true unconditional love.  With each day that passes we are a day closer to us being together.  I love you always Monkey.

Love,
The worlds proudest Mommy

Walking ball of misery

My Gran, Nancy Ackerley has passed away at the age of 92.  She had a long life, yet saying good bye to someone is never easy.  She was an amazing person who loved the casino, sweets and Chicken nuggets.  I miss you and love you, Gran. 

I have to admit that after losing a child dealing with other losses is much easier.  Nothing will ever compare to the feeling of your heart being ripped out of your chest.  That is a pain that I will live with every day, and I would not wish that pain even on my worst enemy.  I am naturally a very sensitive person, but ever since March 10th, 2011 I am a stronger person.  I can take criticism, I don't cry as easily (unless we are talking about Bella) and I am able to deal with death differently then I would have in the past.

With all of this said, these days I feel like I am a walking ball of misery.  I miss Bella like crazy and there is nothing that I can do about it.  My Gran passed away and it is another reminder of how precious life is.  I am coming upon the 1 year anniversary of the day that Bella got her wings and I am saddened at how much time has gone by.  I feel like I have a dark cloud over my hear and it will not go away.

I miss you Sunshine!  You are and will always be the brightest light in my life.

Mommy

The same old......

It has been a while since I posted anything and sometimes I feel like I am just posting the same things over and over again.  I write about how much I miss her and how I wish that she was still here.  I write about how I want to make her proud of me and how she will never be replaced.  If I get tired of writing the same things, I can imagine how tiring it is to read it.  But in the end, this is a place for me to write about my feelings and once agin my feelings bring me to that same dark place.

With March 10th approaching, I cannot beleive that we are coming upon 1 year since the worst day of my life.  A day that started with laughs, hugs and kisses and ended in tears and dispair.  I cannot go back to that day and I don't know if I will ever be able to.  Driving home from the hospital with an empty car seat and knowing that my daughter was in a room without me is a memory that will haunt me forever.  1 year or 10 years and that day will always be hard.

I am happy that this year is a leap year and that I have an extra day to prolong that day from coming.  In the end that day is just like any other.  There is nothing different about that day, the loss is still there.  I guess it is just the fact that I know what happened the year before on that day that makes it hard. 

I miss you so much Princess.  I hope that you are watching me with smiles and giggles and saying Mommy if you only knew how beautiful heaven was you would never want to take me from here.  Heaven is more beautiful with you in it , baby girl.

Sweet dreams Monkey,
Mommy

Happy Valentine's Day Bella Baby

This day last year was a great day with Bella.  I picked her up from school and I gave her a pink hippopotamus.  At first she did not know that she thought of this hippo.  But then she showered it with kisses and was calling it Inamus.  That  hippo is presently sitting in her crib with some of her other favourite toys like Upsy Daisy.  I remember exactly what she was wearing that day, pink stretchy pants and a pink shirt/dress with hearts and ruffles.  She was laid to rest in that same dress.  I remember when we got home from school we looked at her Valentines cards and mommy snuck some of her chocolates because Bella wasn't allowed chocolate.   Frank and Bella had given me a beautiful card and Bella and I had gotten one for daddy.  Frank surprised me because he had also gotten one for Belle which was his second love.

I think of that day with smiles and tears.  I love that memory and I am saddened that we will not have the opportunity to make more.

Daddy, Inamus and I miss you with all our hearts sweet girl.  Happy Valentine's Day.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Hope

The dreaded March 10th is one month from tomorrow.  I cannot believe that it has almost been 1 year since the worst day of my life.  Where has the year gone? We are having a 1 year mass at our church for Isabella on the 1 year anniversary of her passing.  I do not like to use the word dead, or death.  It hurts me to use that word in the same sentence as my precious girl.  Even though passing means the same thing, it does not stir up as much emotion as the other.

This past year has brought so many lows that it is hard to count.  Yet no low can compare to the ones that I felt at the beginning of our loss.  That sense of hopelessness and lack of reason to live.  I would pray and pray that God made a mistake and that he was to take me instead.   The  hate for myself for not preventing this and the anger at God for making this happen.  It was a dark place that I never saw myself getting out of.

I can say now that I do have days where I catch myself laughing.  Usually it is at my husband for doing something silly.  I even have moments where I am able to find beauty in something, such as the moon or the stars.   I am not fully out of the dark and I am far from being "better".  I don't think that "better" will ever come.  But for today I have hope that the future will bring joy for us.  Hopefully this hope will last until tomorrow because with each day brings different emotions.

I will stick with hope for today.

Sweet dreams Little Monkey

The New Me

Everyone who has lost a child or someone close to them knows that you are never that same person that you once were.  I am still trying to figure out the person that I now am.  I used to love huge gatherings, loud parties with family and friends, staying up late or spending a whole day shopping.  I still do like seeing family and friends, except now I prefer smaller gatherings.  The loud gatherings that I had once enjoyed, now only bring me agitation and discomfort.  I don't find joy in buying purses and jackets as I once did.  What brings me joy now is sitting at home as my husband rubs my feet as we watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  But my good days now will never be as good as they once were.  I am not able to get as excited as I used to.  It is as if my excitement get stuck inside of me and is unable to come out.  I wonder if people take my reactions to good news as me being uninterested, or if they can truly see that I am happy for them.  So many people in my life have amazing things happening to them and I am truly happy for them all.  I just hope that people can see that even though my reactions have changed, my heart has not.

Messages

Today at school one of my students who regularly makes me pictures or crafts brought in a picture that she had made for me at home.  The picture was in the shape of a house and it was all decorated with ribbons.  In the centre of the house she had glued on a card that was from Mount Sinai Hospital.  Mount Sinai is the hospital where many of our donations go to because there is a doctor there who specialises in Infectious Disease, one of them being the Strep A virus.  In the summer my family had a picnic and raised money for Strep A research.  I kept looking at the picture and was amazed that there was a Mount Sinai card right in the centre of it.

I wonder if that is a sign that all of the efforts that my family, friends and I are doing at donating to Mount Sinai is being acknowledged and appreciated from above.  Maybe Bella is saying, "Mommy I know that you are trying to make a difference".  Or I wonder if it is just me trying to pull some kind of meaning from every little thing that happens.

All that I know is that I am constantly searching for some message to show me that she sees and knows all that we are doing.  I want some form of confirmation that she is right beside me even though I cannot see her or hear her. 

I miss you monkey and look forward to the day that I can hold you again.

Mommy

Forgiveness

I read a quote today and I thought that I would share it with everyone.  It is about forgiveness.  "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed".  This quote struck home with me.  I think that I need to forgive myself for so many things.  Firstly, not being able to prevent Isabella's death.  I need to forgive myself for trusting the doctors that she would be okay.  I need to forgive myself for not being home to out her to sleep the last night that she was alive.  There are so many things that I need to forgive myself for.  I know deep in my heart that I was the best mother that I could have been.  Isabella was and still is my world.  Everything that I did revolved around her happiness.  Yet, the only things that I can concentrate on are the things that I would have done differently.

Why is it so much easier to forgive other people over forgiving yourself?  I forgive the doctors for not taking her illness more seriously.  I forgive God for taking my baby girl so soon.  I have forgiven them long ago, yet I just cannot forgive myself. 

I definitely am not ready to give up hope that the past can be changed.  I guess that part of me still believes that tomorrow I will wake up and this will all be a dream. 

I love you and miss you sweet girl.

Hope and Courage

I have been doing lots of writing about my ups and downs lately.  Unfortunately, as I look back at my most recent posts, I can see that I have been experiencing more downs then ups. The past few days have surprised me and brought me some hope and courage.  There is no reason why that I can think of to be feeling like this.  The weather is still dark and wet, the days still feel super long and Bella is still not here is body. 

I am presently trying to concentrate on what I do have versus what I don't.  I have an amazing husband whom I love very much.  Isabella inherited his quizzical look, his soft voice and his gentle demeanor.  I look at him and I can see her looking back at me.  Some days it is so hard to see any good in the world, but the past few days given me little glimpses of light.   Each morning I am trying to set my intention for the day as I tell myself that today I will be strong, today I will have a good day.  Some days that works, others not so much.

Someone told me early on in my grief that my job is just to put one foot in front of the other.  That is all that I can do right now.  I am sure that some days I will fall but I have to just try and get back up again.

Today, I hope for us all to have a little hope and a lot of courage.

Marisa 

Will she remember?

They say that children are resilient at a young age.  I heard  that if they experience trauma, such as losing a parent they recover more quickly then adults.  Unfortunately sometimes at a very young age memories fade more quickly.  That is my worry with Bella.  I know that I am not as resilient at this age.  I will not recover as easily as she would if I would have passed. 

I wonder if in heaven she will remember all of the memories that we had.  Will she remember her first time on a sled or our day at the pumpkin patch? Will she remember out nightly dances or our hide and seek games?  My fear is that her memories of me will fade and when I do finally meat up with her again, that she will not remember.

I know that it is totally silly, yet it is still something that I wonder and truly fear.

Miss you monkey,

Mommy

Ten Months...

Ten months of missing you.
Ten months of wondering why.
Ten months of asking why me?
Ten months of asking what I could have done differently.
Ten months of imaging what you would look like now.
Ten months of crying myself to sleep.
Ten months of overwhelming sadness.
Ten months of overwhelming guilt.
Ten months of begging God to erase what has already been done.
Ten months without you in my arms.

Isabella, I miss you more then I ever thought humanly possible.  You are all that I ever needed in this world. Our family will never be the same without you.

I love you!

Peaks and Valleys

The past week has been a hard one.  You read about how grief has peeks and valleys but until you experience one of those peeks you do not fully understand.  Even though everyday I feel grief, the past week I have experienced similar grief to that that I experienced in the early months of Bella's passing.  I just miss Bella so much and some days all I want to do is stay in bed and close my eyes.  I have been dreaming of Bella lately and each time I wake up it is as if I have been punched in the stomach.  I get that intense pain at the realisation that it was just a dream. 


Everywhere I look I see children that would be the same age that Isabella would have been.  Just last night we went for dinner with my sister and my brother in law and at the table right beside us was a little boy who was turning two and blowing out his birthday candles.  Of course, my judgmental side came out.  I wondered why a 2 year old was out at 10:00pm at night.  I wondered why the parents of that boy were ignoring him as they drank their wine.  I wondered why the parents were to busy to notice that the boy was tired as he demonstrated tired behaviour such as wining and rubbing his eyes.  I wondered most of all, why they were given the opportunity to celebrate their child's 2nd birthday and I was not given that same luxury.  I hate being judgemental but at that moment that is all I could do.  I am sure that the boys parents are lovely people and maybe the child had a late afternoon nap so that he could stay up later that night.  I am just so envious of that moment that they hand with their child.


I am back at work on Monday and I hope to see an improvement in my attitude.  I guess that being home all day gives me to much time to think and feel sorry for myself.  I hope that being back at work will distract me, even if only for a little bit. 


Even though grief is a lifelong thing, I am hoping that I will see more valleys in the future and will gain more courage and strength to get through all of the upcoming peaks.

All the Best in 2012

It is a new month, in new year and with this brings mixed emotions. I have to say that I am surprised that I have made it through 2012 and am still standing. When I think back to the morning of March 11th and the way my life had no purpose or meaning, it amazes me that I did not give up on life for good.

I can't help but hope that maybe this year will bring positive things to our life. Yet, I am still sad that 2011 is over. I can say that for three months of 2011, I was raising my healthy happy girl. Even though 9 months of that year was horrible, January, February and March make up for it. Isabella existed in 2011, she was alive and healthy. I cannot say the same for 2012 and that makes me sad.

I wonder what this year will bring for me and my family. I hope that there is no more tragedy and pain. No more sadness and grief. Instead I wish for love, strength and hope.

All the best to all in 2012.