Saturday, February 22, 2014

Love you more then words can say

As February is coming to an end, I am forced to face that March is around the corner. I cannot believe that it has been three years already. Where has the time gone. My little eighteen month old that was running around in a diaper would now be a four and a half year old that was probably into Barbies and dolls. I always planned on doing mother daughter stuff with Bella such as getting our nails done and going for brunch just the two of us. As I have started many times before, she was my best friend and even though she was just a toddler she had a very old soul. Julian is over five months old now and is soon going to pass the age that Bella lived to be. That is so strange to me that he is the younger brother but some day will look older then I remember her. He is getting close to saying her name. Ok, maybe not but he says Bl and that is close enough. I find that I keep comparing Isabella and Julian and it is such a terrible thing to do. She was a very early talker and spoke full words. Julian is beginning to talk but is still, at the beginning sound stage. Even though I know that all parents tend to compare their childrens milestones, it is something that I am trying not to do. Being that Isabella had not reached her terrible two stage, she is always going to be the golden child who always listened and never misbehaved. It is not fair to Julian to have to compete with that. Julian is his own person and should not have to always try to live up to the memory of his sister. He is a little more curious and rambunctious then his sister but he has the same heart of Gold. He loves to cuddle, give kisses and is so effectionate. He gets that from me. As March 10th approaches, please keep Isabella in your thoughts and prayers. She definitely was an angel here on earth and I will always miss those beautiful black curls and those beautiful eyes. Isabella the last three years have felt like an eternity. I love you more then words can express. Mommy

Monday, February 3, 2014

It has been a long time

It has been so long since I have written anything but have felt the need and want to write again. I want to revisit my feelings and to feel that pain again. Anyone reading this may not understand but I will try to explain. Firstly, do not think that I am not missing my daughter and am not in pain because she is not here with me. I am and I do more then anything. But the pain is different. It has almost become a backdrop to my life. It is always there and it comes with me everywhere but it is not the centre of my life. I can go through a day without any tears but she is always in my thoughts. I feel so guilty that I feel happy. I feel guilty that I am looking forward to things like taking my son to the park. I feel guilty for living again. My son has brought me back to life and I don't know that he will ever truly understand how he saved me. He truly saved my life. I found myself reading an old post from very early on in my loss. While reading this post I could feel that immense pain and that desperation that I felt when I wrote it. I cried and cried while reading it but I have to say that it is what I needed. I needed to be reminded of how far I have come in this journey. I needed to remind myself that it was not easy and it did not happen over night. It took time,hard work, faith and lots of support from others. I need to remember that even though I am "living" I should not feel guilty because I am doing it with a broken heart. For anyone who is reading this that is new in their grief, pease know that the sun will shine again. It may not look as bright or feel the same way when it touches your skin. But it will shine and you will learn to appreciate it for what it is.