To finding the good life once again.

Good LIfe

Lately I have been looking at Bella's picture and asking myself if I could have made up all of the many memories that I have. Is it possible that I imagined all of the dances that we shared, the songs that we sang, the sleepless nights, the cuddles, the kisses and so much more.


People reading this may think that this seems odd or even cruel to be thinking such a thing. My response to that would be that I am so happy that you do not understand this because that means that you have never experienced child loss.


It is not as if I am wishing that the memories were not real. I just feel like such a different person then I was those months ago. I am no longer that person who thinks that everything will always be okay. I now know that bad things could happen to good people. I know that those memories are real and I am thankful for that. It just seems to cruel that I was given a taste of the good life and then it was taken away.

Here is to finding the Good Life once again.

Trick or Treat

Halloween is almost here and I am hoping that is leaves as quickly as it came. I am going to be that house that has the lights out and does not give out candy. Let's just hope that we don't wake up to eggs on the door or any other part of the house. Last year Isabella was dressed up as a butterfly, how fitting. She was wrapped up so warm and we went trick or treating with our friends and their daughter. She was such a good sport and never complained about the butterfly head peace or the big warm costume. Instead in Isabella style she enjoyed every minute of it. She even tried saying trick or treat. Frank and I ate all of her candies because she was not aloud sweets. I hope that she is picking out a costume in heaven. I know that in her costume she will be beautiful no matter what she chooses.

A friend of mine is having a fundraiser this weekend to raise money for the BC Children's Hospital in honour of her son Jack Wilbee. He amazing son passed away on March 3rd, 2011. I was introduced to the story of Jack through reading the blog myonlybabydiedmar32011.blogspot.com/. If you have time stop by and read the story of Jack's life and the amazing strength that he has portrayed through his life. If you would like to donate to the event in his name you can find the information on the blog. I wish that there was no need for children's hospitals around the world. But the truth is that children are not immune to the diseases of the world and they are at risk as much as the rest of us.

I ask you to join me today in praying for all of the children around the world who are sick and suffering and all of the parents and families who have to helplessly sit by and watch them suffer.

Marisa

Unmotivated

The past few days I have felt the darkness outside and the chill get to me emotionally. It has added to my already not so happy state. When I get up in the morning and have to drive to work in the dark, it makes me feel unmotivated to want to do anything. The colder weather brings back so many memories of Isabella. The last time that I saw Isabella was in the month of March and the weather was very cold. I would always run from the car to the house with her in my arms and she would bop up and down and smile because she thought that is was fun. I also remember how much she loved her winter hat. I bought her a hat from Roots and she loved it. Thank goodness because if not we would have had some problems getting it on her head. I already find the winter months depressing and am very afraid for the months to come.

I have been thinking lately of the prospect of having more children. Although I want more children I don't know if I will ever be the mother that I once was. I am so afraid of loving someone as much as I love Isabella and of being hurt again. God does not keep tabs and I do not get a free pass. There is no guarantee that my future will be pain free. This is something that will haunt me forever. I wonder how this fear will effect me as a parent. Isabella and Franks were my life and still are. I just don't know how it is possible to love anyone else as much as I love her. I know that many people who have second children feel this way and that in the end thier heart has more then enough love to share. This is just one of the man thoughts that go through my head.

Today I tool a mental health day. I took the day off of work to watch t.v, do laundry, and just be on my own. I am hoping that this will help me to reenergise for the rest of the week. I think that I need faith to get through this upcoming winter season. I need to beleve that she is with me and happy and that she sees exactly what I am doing. I don't want her to see me upset. I want her to be worry free just as children should be. I will try my best to be strong for her.

I think that people see me during the day and assume that I am "better". In my support group we talked about how losing a child is like losing a limb. You may get a fake leg and be able to walk and go on with your day. People who don't know you don't know that you have lost your leg. Even those who do know you see you walking and think that you are okay. Yet every moment of every day you are aware that your leg is gone. There is not a moment of the day that you forget that a peice of you is missing. The only thing that you could do is put one foot in front of the other and not forget to breathe.

Quiet time

Another week has gone and another weekend is here. My weekends have become my quiet time after a long week. On my weekends I look forward to sitting with a book, watching a movie and surfing the computer. Those quiet moments help me to heal as well as to rest up for the upcoming week. When Isabella first passed those quiet moments used to haunt me. It was during those quiet times that I would relive that terrible day in my head over and over. It was as if I couldn't not shut of the chaos that was going on in my head. It is only now that those quiet moments have become something different. It is in those quiet moments that I can feel those chills up my arms that I now know means that she is giving me a big hug. It is in those moments that I can talk to her and tell her how I am feeling and imagine her blowing me kisses to make me feel better. I cherish those moments and even though my weekends have become something different then they once were, it is still something that I looked forward to each and every week.

As I am getting right to post this, I losten to a story of a father who murdered his three month old child. I am so angry to hear this and cannot understand why someone would want to hurt such an innocent child. What a crazy world.

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy weekend.

Marisa

Butterfly

The most amazing thing happened to me on Thanksgiving Monday. I had went to the cemetery on Monday morning to visit Isabella and to take away all of the deflated balloons from her birthday. I got to spend some time with Isabella before the cemetery got busy. I had a good cry as I looked at her beautiful face and reminisced about the fun that we had this time last year. I prayed with her and asked God to give her kisses for me. I let her know that I would be okay even though my heart is in pieces. I encouraged her to explore in heaven and not to worry about me. Even though I may cry, she has a bigger and more important job in heaven then taking care of me. I asked her to please keep sending me signs so that I know that she is okay as well as with me. When I came home I noticed a water stain on our coffee table. When I looked at the table carefully I noticed that is was in the shape of a butterfly. It was Isabella letting my know that she had heard my words and that she was with me always. I love her so much and this is proof that our bond is something that cannot be broken. I read somewhere that the only thing between us us here on earth and the spirit world is an invisible veil. I truly believe that now. I still wish that she was here with my in physical body but I now can say for sure that she is here in spirit.

Thank you Bella for always knowing what I need.

Mommy

Thanksgiving Weekend

It is Thanksgiving weekend and Frank and I have decided that we would spend the weekend on our own. I know that Bella is probably not happy with my decision because she loved being with her family and I am sure that she wants us to be happy. I just think that this is what we need at this time. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family but the holidays are just to hard.

This time last year, Frank,Bella and I spent the day at the Pumpkin Patch. We went on a wagon ride, and looked at all of the pumpkins. Isabella loved being outside and loved it even more because she was doing it with Mommy and Daddy. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I wish more then anything that I could go back to that day.

I spent some time today thining about what I am Thankful for. I came up with the little list below.

I am thankful for....
My family
My faith
My memories
My friends
All of the greiving parents that I have met along the way
My husband who means the world to me
My daughter Isabella who is my world
The nine months of carrying Isabella and the 18 months that I got to spend with my baby girl.

On this Thanksgiving weekend I am Thankful for many things. Thank you to all of the people who allow me to cry, scream or just be silent. But most of all thank you for continuing to speak of Isabella and for loving her as much as you did when she was with us. Thank you Isabella for showing me true love and for making me the most proud mom in the world.

Long Island Medium

I watched a show last night called Long Island Medium. The Medium named Theresa spoke to a mother who suddenly lost her six year old son. My heart sank and I could not help but cry through the whole show. The words that the boy was saying to his mother were the words that I need to hear. He let her know that he is okay and that he is always with her. I wish that I could sit and have a conversation with my baby girl. I wish that she could tell me that she was not scared in the hospital and that she knew that Daddy and I were there, even though we were not alloued to see her. I wish that she could tall me that somebody was waiting for her on the other side and that she did not pass through those golden gates on her own. She is my little girl and I will always worry about her. I Love you Bella and I will miss you every day as long as I live.

Mommy