Wednesday, October 19, 2011


The past few days I have felt the darkness outside and the chill get to me emotionally. It has added to my already not so happy state. When I get up in the morning and have to drive to work in the dark, it makes me feel unmotivated to want to do anything. The colder weather brings back so many memories of Isabella. The last time that I saw Isabella was in the month of March and the weather was very cold. I would always run from the car to the house with her in my arms and she would bop up and down and smile because she thought that is was fun. I also remember how much she loved her winter hat. I bought her a hat from Roots and she loved it. Thank goodness because if not we would have had some problems getting it on her head. I already find the winter months depressing and am very afraid for the months to come.

I have been thinking lately of the prospect of having more children. Although I want more children I don't know if I will ever be the mother that I once was. I am so afraid of loving someone as much as I love Isabella and of being hurt again. God does not keep tabs and I do not get a free pass. There is no guarantee that my future will be pain free. This is something that will haunt me forever. I wonder how this fear will effect me as a parent. Isabella and Franks were my life and still are. I just don't know how it is possible to love anyone else as much as I love her. I know that many people who have second children feel this way and that in the end thier heart has more then enough love to share. This is just one of the man thoughts that go through my head.

Today I tool a mental health day. I took the day off of work to watch t.v, do laundry, and just be on my own. I am hoping that this will help me to reenergise for the rest of the week. I think that I need faith to get through this upcoming winter season. I need to beleve that she is with me and happy and that she sees exactly what I am doing. I don't want her to see me upset. I want her to be worry free just as children should be. I will try my best to be strong for her.

I think that people see me during the day and assume that I am "better". In my support group we talked about how losing a child is like losing a limb. You may get a fake leg and be able to walk and go on with your day. People who don't know you don't know that you have lost your leg. Even those who do know you see you walking and think that you are okay. Yet every moment of every day you are aware that your leg is gone. There is not a moment of the day that you forget that a peice of you is missing. The only thing that you could do is put one foot in front of the other and not forget to breathe.


Angie said...

I read your blog and feel so helpless. What can I possibly say that would help you in the way that you want and need to be. This time of year is a tough one for many as the winter approaches including me, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

We have to remember that we were all blessed by having Isabella in our lives for 18 months and that can never be taken away from us. The love that she gave us and the memories that we have in our hearts will remain there until we reunite with her one day.

I do believe that the sun will shine in your heart again one day. Give it time and in the meantime try and think about the joy that having her in your life brought you and keep smiling. I'm sure she's smiling down on you.

Love you so, so much.


michelle said...

I so agree you have it dead on about loosing a limb. I could tell you to try and focus on the good, that the pain will fade, but nothing stops us mothers of loss from feeling what we are feeling nor can we prevent the sadness from overtaking us sometimes. Its okay to have bad days, it ok to have recoup days, its ok not to smile. Taking the pressure off ourselves of trying so hard to be happy all the time when we are not actaully will help to free us. Its ok to be not ok. Huh I know, I dont always make senses lol Your so right that what we can do is just keep puting one foot infront of the other and walk our new path. In sadness, in happinness we will walk with our babies in our hearts and minds. I think about that with children too, that nothing could ever compare to Jack but I know too its just irrational and that we would love a new little just as much. Whatver you decide about children just know Marisa you are and would make again an excellent Mom. I can picture the sprint to get in from the cold with Isabella, with her head bobbing. Too cute.
Ps my fundraisor is going well. The haunted house should be finished and ready soon. I hope people come, I am worried that noone will show up in the three days we are going to have it.

Lucy said...

I wish I there was something that I could do or say that could take away some of your pain. It breaks my heart when I think of you, Frank and Isabella and all that you face on a daily basis.
You tell me often that grieving is like a roller coaster and that some days are easier to cope than others.
Please let me be there for you in whatever way possible. I love you, Frank and Bella so much.

Josie DiMarco said...

Marisa, you and Frank have so much love to offer. You will continue to be great parents and you will always have more then enough love to give to another child. I hope your mental health day helped you get through the week and that the weekend will bring you some comfort.

Thinking of you always...