Friday, July 29, 2011

You are not alone

This song has brought so much comfort to me over the last few weeks. I wanted to share it with everyone in hopes that it may bring you all some comfort.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The big blue butterfly

The other day I had the most amazing experience with a butterfly. I have not seen very many butterflies this year. Although the ones that I have seen have always come at times of need, times when I needed comfort or a sign.

On Saturday I was going outside to wait for my sister, brother in law and my God daughter to come over for the afternoon. I walked to the area between our house and my neighbour/good friends house. I don't like calling them my neighbours because they have become more like family to us. They have been a constant source of support during the past months. The are between our houses is quite big so we designated it as our little piazza. It has a little table with chairs, flower pots, herb pots and tiki lights. We often sit there at night and have a coffee, beer, or just chat. Well on that particular Saturday a big blue butterfly came for a visit and was not scared of by me. It flew around my head, my arms, my shoulders and just kept circling me. I have never seen a butterfly that was so comfortable being so close to people. It stayed to welcome my sister and her family, and even posed for pictures. I have not seen the butterfly since. The beautiful part is that inside one of the flower pots in the piazza I placed a big blue butterfly and said that this is so Isabella is always here with us. I guess that Isabella wanted to make her presence known. She truly is the best! Thank you Bella, mommy loves you.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Send Me On My Way

On the hot and sticky day I am inside my air conditioned house and am listening to a C.D that my brother in law Charlie had made for Isabella's service. It is a C.D filled with Isabella's favourite songs. I can just imagine her dancing with a huge smile on her face saying, "Mommy what took you so long?" Believe me, I have tried to listen to this music before but have not been strong enough. I don'"t know if I am stronger or braver, but I am listening to her music in hopes that it brings her closer to me. Her favourite song that we used to dance to every night is the first song on the C.D and I never realised what the song was called until now. It is called, Send me on my way. I wonder if she knew all along that she was going to leave me and is she was using that song to try to prepare me for it. I almost hope that she knew that it was her time and that she was okay with it. I hope that she was ready to leave.

I went to the doctors today and my doctor is the same doctor that Isabella had. He is a lovely person and he was so good with her. All of the nurses at his office loved her and she knew it. The last time that we were there she was running behind the reception desks and trying to go through the receptionist purses and of course nobody minded. One nurse was particularly fond of Isabella and would always tickle her and play with her. As soon as this nurse saw me her face changed from normal to full of sadness. It was the look that I hate to receive from people. I know that she did not mean to do it and probably did not even realise that she did. I could tell what she was thinking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think poor her. I am the mother of a beautiful, loving and special girl and I would not change that for anything. Instead look at me and think, wow she is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Even though her time here was not long enough for my liking, each moment was so special. So if you see me and are unsure what to say or what to do, please just be yourself and don't feel sorry for me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Where have the last four months gone? It seems like yesterday that I came home from the hospital with empty arms, yet March 10th was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have not held Isabella in a lifetime, yet in reality this is only a taste of whats to come. I have been reading on many blogs that the second year is harder then the first and I cannot imagine it getting any harder. The sadness has not faded, the confusion is not gone and I am pretty certain that they never will be. The only difference in that now I do have little glimmers of hope. I hope that someday I will have more children, I hope that someday we will find a cure for Strep A and I hope that Isabella is watching me and is smiling. The only thing that I am certain about is that I will see my daughter again and that is the day that I am waiting for.

I had my first moment of forgetting this week and it took me by surprise. I was thinking of the First Halloween shirt and the Birthday shirt that Isabella wore. I was thinking of how nice it would be if I gave them to her future children as a memory of their mom. Then it hit me that Isabella will never get married or have children. It was as if I had not thought of that before and it was the first time that it hit me and I have to admit that it felt terrible.

We finally bought our couches and I know that Isabella loves them. Before we left to go couch shopping I invited Isabella to come with us and I asked her to show me a sign if she liked the couches. We found some that we liked and we thought that they would be out of our price range and miraculously they were a lot less expensive then we expected. Them when we went into the sales ladies office I saw an orange butterfly on her desk that looked similar to the ones that we placed in Isabella's flowers at the cemetery. There was my sign that Isabella was pleased. I look for these signs daily as take them as my daughter is letting me know that she is near.

I love you Bella

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Strep A Fundraiser

I know that I have written about the supportive family and friends that I have but I do not think that that my words have done them justice. The reason that I am able to smile and not crumble to the floor is due to the love of all of our family and friends. I once read somewhere that we have angels walking among us and that they come in the image of the people that we meet throughout our lives. I have to say that I have many angels around me each and everyday and they are my family and friends.

As I write this I am so overwhelmed with appreciation and thanks for an event that took place in my daughters honour. Today was a family and friends picnic which was also a fundraiser to raise money for Strep A Research through Mount Sinai Hospital. I know that in one of my firsts posts I had written that I wanted to have a fundraiser/walk in Isabella's name. Through discussion with my husband we had come to the conclusion that this year we should experience all of our firsts without Isabella and not add any other stress for ourselves. I am definitely going to do a fundraiser but just not this year. My amazing family knew how important it was to me to raise awareness about this illness that they organised a fundraiser/picnic all on their own. They had a banner that had Bella's Butterfly kisses written on it, a cake with butterflies, purple (color of Strep A awareness) balloons released into the sky, blown up pictures of Isabella, games, prizes and approximately 150 people who attended.

I was so worried because I did not want people to feel pressured to donate money or support the cause but everyone who attended the event was so generous and did it because they wanted to. The event raised $2150,00 for research for Strep A. I can only imagine how this money is going to help other people. I pray that I will live to see a cure for this horrible disease. This event has gotten us that much closer to that outcome.

I did not attend today's event because I was just not ready. Instead I sent a letter that I had written stating my overwhelming appreciation to everyone who attended. I just wish that I could really let everyone know how thankful I am because words just do not seem like enough. My biggest fear was that Isabella was going to be forgotten by everyone but my close family but I have to say that today made it so obvious that she will always be present in every ones hearts and minds. I am sure that today Isabella was smiling down at all of the love that people have for her. Heaven was lit up with her smile and she is probably banging her chest saying, "I love you," I truly love you all and want you to know that I have a soft spot in my heart for all of you. I am so honoured to be part of such a fantastic family and group of friends. Thank you for honouring my princess and showing her how loved she is. I truly love you all.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

It finally happened

It finally happened! My husband and I were looking for new couches and the salesman asked me if I had any children. I have been anticipating being asked this question and even practiced how I would respond. I surprised myself at how I was able to say that I had one child. He continued to inquire and asked me what the gender was and I replied a girl. I was thinking that it would end there I was satisfied with my answer. Then he continued and asked how old she was. This question always fumbles me because she would have been almost 21 months but when she passed she was 18 months. I was not ready to divulge my story of her passing to a sales man that I had just met so I stated that she is 18 months old. He still continued saying that they are a handful at that age. I wanted to shout, I wish that I was experiencing the handful that toddlers can be but instead I am sitting and wondering what it would be like. But instead, I just nodded and said yes they are.

I did it and I did not cry. I was able answer the many questions about my daughter and not allow it to ruin my day. Instead I found that I was so proud of her and I loved talking about her. The problem is that I love talking to her in present tense. In my heart she is still alive and that is how I want it to stay.