Wednesday, June 29, 2011

One of those days

I haven't posted in a while but have been trying to keep fairly busy. We celebrated my nieces first birthday on the weekend and I know that Isabella was with us in spirit. With Canada Day approaching, I am a little nervous about having another holiday without her here with us. I think that this year my husband and I will celebrate Canada Day just the two of us. Overall, I have been trying my best to stay strong and to remember all of the good memories.

This morning I felt like I was ready to watch one of Isabella's videos which has proven to be very difficult. It is a video that I took 2 weeks prior to her passing. It is a video of my mother chasing her up the hall trying to catch her to give her a bath. Isabella is running up and down the hall naked squealing with joy. It captures all of the excitement and wonder that she had in a 2 minute clip. Even typing this is hard because I think of that little voice and that uplifting spirit that was so present in everything that she did. Let's just say that I had a good cry this morning remembering and missing all of those precious moments.

Later in the morning my father in law called asking if I could take him to the hospital, the same hospital that I had brought Isabella to on March 10th. Thank goodness that my sister in law took him instead because I don't think that I am presently ready or will ever be ready to go to that hospital. I would not chance seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers that all came to help us or console us that day. Even though I know in my heart that they tried their best to save her, in the end I still had to return home without her. That day runs through my head like it was yesterday. All of the fear, sadness, confusion rushes back as if I am reliving the moment again and again. The funny thing is that I don't ever want to lose that moment even though it was so painful. I am not quite sure why but I want to always remember what I felt on that exact day.

Today is one of those days when I am going to open up my book and escape to a world that has no loss, no tears and no pain. I am going to make a warm drink, sit outside and read the day away and I am not going to feel guilty about having an unproductive day. I think that I deserve it!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A poem for Bella

Isabella's Poem
A ray of light
A soft summers breeze.
A sunset that brings me to my knees.

Tiny drops of rain
A bright blue sky.
The songs of birds as they fly high.

A sparkling star
The moon so bright.
The sweet smell in the air on a summers night.

Signs from above
I receive everyday.
You tell me, "Mommy, it's okay."

I close my eyes
And blow a kiss
Until we meet again
These signs I'll never dismiss.

I love you Bella

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Isabella's Daddy

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I think that I am more anxious for Father's Day then I was for Mother's Day. I hurt for my husband and I know that tomorrow is going to be such a hard day for him. I don't want to See him in pain, if I could I would go through all of the pain for both of us. Much like I was on Mother's Day he has chosen that tomorrow will be treated like just another day. That is not to say that we are going to forget that we are parents, we are just not in the mood to celebrate without out precious girl.

Even though we are not celebrating F.D tomorrow, I still want the world to know about the two most amazing Father's in the world, my father and my husband. Firstly my father is amazing for many reasons but the one that I want to celebrate is the fact that he shared such a special relationship with my daughter Isabella. Isabella had Grandpa wrapped around her little finger. From the day that she was born Grandpa would melt at the sight of her. Grandpa would take her for walks around the pond and show her all of the swans. He would let her sleep on his lap or watch her favourite shows with her. Grandpa misses her so much and reads her a book every time that he visits her at the cemetery. Isabella loves her Grandpa.

Even though Isabella had so much love to give she did not love anyone more than she loved her Daddy/Papa. She would wait at the window every evening and shake with excitement every time that she would see Papa's car pull up the driveway. When Papa and Bella were together it was like nobody else was in the room. The patience that my husband had for Isabella was like no other. He never got frustrated, or upset with the sleepness nights, or early mornings. Instead he would cuddle and kiss her with all he had. Papa would read Isabella her favourite stories, take her for walks, sing her songs and teach her so many new things. He would tickle her, kiss her and cuddle her at every chance that he got. He would play with her in the bathtub and dance with her every night before bed. Daddy made sure that every night he was there to put Bella into her pajamas, read her the bible and say her prayers before bed. Even if he had to go out, he would make sure that he did not leave until all of that was done. Isabella was so proud of her daddy and was definitely a daddy's girl. When Mommy would pick her up from school, she would ask for Papa. I hope that my husband always remembers that Isabella loves him so much and that he is the true example of what a father should be.

Thank you to my father and to my husband for being so important not only to me but to my precious girl, Isabella

Friday, June 17, 2011

Time with my niece

My niece which is also my Goddaughter has brought me so much joy this week. She is turning one and she is such a little ham. She reminds me so much of what Isabella was like at her age. She was throwing things on the floor, she points at everything that she sees and loves to be in her stroller. She has the cutest little smile and her little giggle is so funny. I am so blessed that I have her around at this time. When Isabella first gained wings, I was afraid to spend time with my niece. I thought that being with her would make me feel worse, or that I was betraying Isabella by enjoying the company of another child. Yet, instead she makes me smile, laugh and even cry because I see so many similarities between her and Bella. I know that Isabella is not angry with me. Instead she is saying, Mommy what took you so long? Those who knew Isabella knew that she loved Mya from the day that Mya was born and that Isabella did not have a jealous streak in her body. She never would cry when I would hold other babies because Isabella babies too. She would have been such a great big sister as she was a fantastic big cousin. I always imagined her handing me diapers or bum cream, or helping me feed her future siblings. I wonder if Mya and Isabella`s future siblings will think of her as little and not older then them. They will always only see the little Isabella and it may be hard for them to refer to her as their big cousin or bog sister. It doesn`t matter how they rememebr her as long as they remember.

Isabella, the fact that you LIVED will never be forgotten.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Fifi and the Flowertots

Presently I am sitting outside in the front of the house with my computer and I see a bee on one of our trees. It makes me think of one of the shows that Isabella would watch called, Fifi and the Flowertots. It is a show about a nasty little bee who plays ricks on his flower friends. In all honesty, it was on at a time when she was usually sleeping on my lap and I had it on in the background. Yes, I liked the show too. I would leave it on so that if she woke up she would see it on the television and it would help to put her back to sleep.

I wonder if I will ever have one of those moments again. The moments when your daughter is sleeping on your lap and you say to yourself, I am truly blessed and I couldn't be happier. I hope that I have more moments like that in the future, I just wish that she was here to experience them with me.

Thinking of you always, Isabella.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Friday marked three months since I have held Isabella. I cannot believe that it has been that long yet on the other hand it feels like an eternity. I sill think of her as my eighteen month old monkey, yet she would have been twenty one months old. In my mind she is still my little baby, and I think that no matter how many years go by that is what she will always be.

Sundays for me bring a wave of emotions. Sunday evenings are always difficult because I sit and think of the week that passed and all of the things that I did. Then I remember that I did them without my daughter Isabella at my side. I did not have to rush home for nap times, or prepare healthy snacks or change dirty bums. I did not have to prepare her bag for school, or sit and reread the same stories over and over. Instead I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted. I could watch t.v, read a book, go for a walk or even go shopping, all things that I once enjoyed doing. Yet now I don't want time to myself. I had years of time to myself and I was happy dedicating my time to being Isabella's mother. Even though I am still her mother and will always be her mother I am still left with all of this time. I now know how precious the time that we had together was and I am thankful that we took advantage of every second. I have learned that you can never get that time back and that nothing that you do in life should ever be a waste of time.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Making Bella proud

I just returned from a group support meeting for bereaved parents. I look forward to these meetings because I get to speak about Isabella and I get to hear about all of the precious children that are missed dearly. There are so many parents that miss their little ones and are trying to get through the day a minute at a time.

Tonight another bereaved mother said something to me that has given me strength in more ways then she will ever know. She said that she looks forward to seeing us (Frank and I) at the meetings because we give her strength. I told her that I promised Isabella that I would make her proud and she said that she already is. These words touched me so profoundly. All I can ask is that I can make Isabella proud of me each and everyday. I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that If I am able to give someone strength and in the process am making my princess proud.

I love you Bella, now and always.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Let me introduce you to Isabella

This was Isabella's first birthday cake. I was so excited because it was my first time working with fondant. I was planning on making her one every year, I am still planning on doing that.

This is Isabella playing with her plastic grapes during her birthday party. I miss those beautiful eyes.

This is Isabella in her monkey pajamas. She was sitting in her bumbo chair. I am sorry that the picture is sideways. I am not computer savvy and am surprised that I was able to upload the pictures at all.

This is my little monkey in her high chair while I was feeding her cereal. Breakfast is her favourite meal. She loves her food, just like her mommy!

This is Isabella playing on Mommy's bed, which she loves to do. If you look carefully you could see her harness that she was wearing because of her hip dysplasia. We spent so much time cuddling on mommy's bed. I miss that!

I though that it was time for me to share my Isabella with you. I wanted you all to see the little princess that stole my heart, taught me how to live for the moment and showed me the meaning of unconditional love.

I am so proud that she calls me mommy!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Thank you

I have to say that the weather has been amazing lately. I know when I began this journey (sounds better then loss) I did not embrace the sun. Right now, the sun has been a welcomed change and I spend every moment possible sitting outside.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately, and it seems to be helping me a little. At the moment I have resolved my anger with God and no longer feel like it is me against the world. I still do not understand why God chose Isabella, but I do not understand why God chooses any precious child. If I had the power to change the situation I would do so in a heartbeat, and bring Isabella and all of our children back. But, I recognise that God did choose her for his own reason. He has a plan for her and it involves her waiting in heaven for me surrounded by all of the family and friends who went before her. I know that she is happy and I imagine her with a smile on her face looking down on me. I also imagine her in Mother Mary's arms with one of her hands slipped down her shirt (which those who know Isabella knows she did often).

I am not healed, I am not better, but lately I have found myself smiling a little more. I truly believe in the power of prayer and I want to thank everyone who has taken the time out of their day to pray for the healing of me and my family. I can feel your prayers and I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart.

The support from family, friends and people who have never even met me, is what is helping me cope through these times.

Thank you