Wednesday, June 29, 2011

One of those days

I haven't posted in a while but have been trying to keep fairly busy. We celebrated my nieces first birthday on the weekend and I know that Isabella was with us in spirit. With Canada Day approaching, I am a little nervous about having another holiday without her here with us. I think that this year my husband and I will celebrate Canada Day just the two of us. Overall, I have been trying my best to stay strong and to remember all of the good memories.

This morning I felt like I was ready to watch one of Isabella's videos which has proven to be very difficult. It is a video that I took 2 weeks prior to her passing. It is a video of my mother chasing her up the hall trying to catch her to give her a bath. Isabella is running up and down the hall naked squealing with joy. It captures all of the excitement and wonder that she had in a 2 minute clip. Even typing this is hard because I think of that little voice and that uplifting spirit that was so present in everything that she did. Let's just say that I had a good cry this morning remembering and missing all of those precious moments.

Later in the morning my father in law called asking if I could take him to the hospital, the same hospital that I had brought Isabella to on March 10th. Thank goodness that my sister in law took him instead because I don't think that I am presently ready or will ever be ready to go to that hospital. I would not chance seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers that all came to help us or console us that day. Even though I know in my heart that they tried their best to save her, in the end I still had to return home without her. That day runs through my head like it was yesterday. All of the fear, sadness, confusion rushes back as if I am reliving the moment again and again. The funny thing is that I don't ever want to lose that moment even though it was so painful. I am not quite sure why but I want to always remember what I felt on that exact day.

Today is one of those days when I am going to open up my book and escape to a world that has no loss, no tears and no pain. I am going to make a warm drink, sit outside and read the day away and I am not going to feel guilty about having an unproductive day. I think that I deserve it!


michelle said...

You do deserve it.I need a book that would capture my interest. I dont want to let go of the bad memmories either as they seem important. Good or bad every memmory of our children is valuable.Well wishes

michelle said...

ps love the pic of Isabella in the ladybug outfit

Mom said...

I remember that day like it was yesterday and am so grateful to have been there to share that memorable moment with you and Bella. I remember how excited she was when she would shut the door behind her leaving in the hall. She acted so surprised when she opened the door and found me waiting for her.

I miss you Bella.

Love Nonna

Lucy said...

Grieving is like a roller coaster ride and like we have discussed many times before, there are days that are harder than others. I hope that tomorrow you are able to cope a little bit better. I am always here for you.

Susan said...

15 months on, I'm still haunted by our day in the hospital too. There is no way I could go back there - I find it hard to even be in the same part of town, and my husband will go to great lengths to avoid driving pass it. I think we probably have a similar hosp experience - Catherine died around 8 hours after we arrived - they didn't even get the chance to admit her - yet when we arrived, I assumed it was a minor issue, and we would be sent home with some pills. It is hard to convey to people who haven't lost a child how chilling, shocking, horrific it was. Sending you a gentle hug. You are doing so well.
Susan x

Chris Coz said...

I don't imagine that with each passing holiday, it gets easier. I am glad however, that you are taking some pleasure in those "unproductive days" because from what I've witnessed, you've been working pretty hard day to day, and you do deserve a break. We all missed you and Frank last night, you know that we all love you both to bits. I think that you and Frank are doing right by yourselves in letting days like July 1st and any other afterward, simply pass like any other as part of your healing. Just know that we are all here for you when you need us.