Sunday, July 10, 2011

Signs

Where have the last four months gone? It seems like yesterday that I came home from the hospital with empty arms, yet March 10th was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have not held Isabella in a lifetime, yet in reality this is only a taste of whats to come. I have been reading on many blogs that the second year is harder then the first and I cannot imagine it getting any harder. The sadness has not faded, the confusion is not gone and I am pretty certain that they never will be. The only difference in that now I do have little glimmers of hope. I hope that someday I will have more children, I hope that someday we will find a cure for Strep A and I hope that Isabella is watching me and is smiling. The only thing that I am certain about is that I will see my daughter again and that is the day that I am waiting for.

I had my first moment of forgetting this week and it took me by surprise. I was thinking of the First Halloween shirt and the Birthday shirt that Isabella wore. I was thinking of how nice it would be if I gave them to her future children as a memory of their mom. Then it hit me that Isabella will never get married or have children. It was as if I had not thought of that before and it was the first time that it hit me and I have to admit that it felt terrible.

We finally bought our couches and I know that Isabella loves them. Before we left to go couch shopping I invited Isabella to come with us and I asked her to show me a sign if she liked the couches. We found some that we liked and we thought that they would be out of our price range and miraculously they were a lot less expensive then we expected. Them when we went into the sales ladies office I saw an orange butterfly on her desk that looked similar to the ones that we placed in Isabella's flowers at the cemetery. There was my sign that Isabella was pleased. I look for these signs daily as take them as my daughter is letting me know that she is near.

I love you Bella

11 comments:

Chris M said...

Great post Marisa. The road might get rougher before if becomes smooth again, but you are doing Bella proud by continuing to share.

Love Chris....

Lucy said...

Sis, you always tel me that everyone grieves differently, so as hard as it is try not to think too much about the 2nd year. Instead focus on the day ahead.
You and Frank are truly remarkable and your strength and faith are inspiring.
Bella is always with you and I'm sure she couldn't be more proud of her parents.

BellaSteph said...

I am so glad you are able to recognize the signs from Bella. I have seen some from Gavin and while they might be quite silly to others, I just know it's him.

Take Care Marisa xoxo

Mary Gatti said...

Another great post. Be sure that we will be with you every step of the way, for the first year and every year after that.

Mary

Angie said...

Marisa,
I can't agree with you more. There are signs of Isabella everywhere. We just have to open our hearts to them. She will always be a part of our lives.

p.s. Look forward to sitting on your new couch !!

michelle said...

I see Jack in Codie alot. Well Wishes

ASHLEY ELDER said...

It definitely doesn't get any easier missing our children BUT I do think that we learn to cope and handle it better. I still have really hard days or moments but there are lot of smiles and laughs throughout those days as well as we remember the good moments of his short life. I am thinking of you and know that the next few months will be hard going through different milestones but I am sure that your baby girl will be right by your side <3 ((Hugs))

Chris Coz said...

Signs?? No kidding! That you bought not one but TWO sets can only be explained by Bella's presence :)

Hugs,
Chris

Lucy said...

I notice signs form Bella all of the time. I know she is with us all of the time and that gives me great comfort.

Lisa said...

Thank you for sharing Bella with others. She is beautiful. She has the same soulful eyes my little girl had. Sometimes I wonder if they are old souls sent as gifts to us to teach us what it is to love unconditionally. My daughter was 9 1/2 when she died, on the eve of my birthday last December 21st.
I imagine that they are friends in heaven. We'll see them again, and it will be like no time has passed.

marisa said...

Lisa,
Thank you for commenting on my blog. I am so sorry that your daughter has passed, but I agree with you that we will be with them again. We have to beleive that. I am sure that your daughter is teaching my daughter all sorts of things in heaven, Isabella loved the "big kids". Please feel free to send me an e-mail if you would like to chat. I find chatting with other mothers in the same position very helpful. All the best.