Thursday, July 21, 2011

Send Me On My Way

On the hot and sticky day I am inside my air conditioned house and am listening to a C.D that my brother in law Charlie had made for Isabella's service. It is a C.D filled with Isabella's favourite songs. I can just imagine her dancing with a huge smile on her face saying, "Mommy what took you so long?" Believe me, I have tried to listen to this music before but have not been strong enough. I don'"t know if I am stronger or braver, but I am listening to her music in hopes that it brings her closer to me. Her favourite song that we used to dance to every night is the first song on the C.D and I never realised what the song was called until now. It is called, Send me on my way. I wonder if she knew all along that she was going to leave me and is she was using that song to try to prepare me for it. I almost hope that she knew that it was her time and that she was okay with it. I hope that she was ready to leave.

I went to the doctors today and my doctor is the same doctor that Isabella had. He is a lovely person and he was so good with her. All of the nurses at his office loved her and she knew it. The last time that we were there she was running behind the reception desks and trying to go through the receptionist purses and of course nobody minded. One nurse was particularly fond of Isabella and would always tickle her and play with her. As soon as this nurse saw me her face changed from normal to full of sadness. It was the look that I hate to receive from people. I know that she did not mean to do it and probably did not even realise that she did. I could tell what she was thinking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think poor her. I am the mother of a beautiful, loving and special girl and I would not change that for anything. Instead look at me and think, wow she is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Even though her time here was not long enough for my liking, each moment was so special. So if you see me and are unsure what to say or what to do, please just be yourself and don't feel sorry for me.


michelle said...

I know that look, one nurse at the hospital kept giving us this huge frown, it was so exagerated to show pity. I hated that. You were so lucky to have such a special girl and I am lucky to have gotten to know her because of you.

Lucy said...

I can't help crying while I read this post. I'm crying for so many reasons, but not because I feel sorry for you. I'm crying because I have the same CD, and I can hear her favourite song in my head too. I am not as brave as you and haven't had the courage to listen to it yet. Maybe I'll try again. I'm crying because maybe you're right about why Isabella loved that particular song more than others. I'm crying because you continue to amaze me with your awareness and perception to the special signs that Bella sends us. Lastly, I'm crying because of how incredible you are at learning to cope in your new world and how this blog reaches and teaches so many of us with each new post. You are by far the most amazing person I know and I am so proud to be your sister and Bella's auntie/Godmother.

marisa said...

Michelle, I wish that Isabella and Jack could have had the opportunity to know eachother.
Lucy, Isabella is so lucky to have you as an Auntie and Godmother.


Beautiful song!

Patricia said...

Yes yes yes! You are on the right path! I hope other moms and dads of beautiful and special children like Isabella hear your message loud and clear! There is peace waiting for you! You need only ask and receive. Everyone is here for a purpose, a Divine purpose, and Marisa is your guiding light!

Chris Coz said...

I still find so utterly amazing that you've arrived at the place you're at in such a short period of time. You really are my hero.

Love you lots,

Josie DiMarco said...

Marisa, your strength is truly amazing!! You are an inspiration to us all.

Thinking of you always,