Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Where to start

I don't know where to start because it has been so long since I have written.  It is not due to lack of things to say but more due to not being able to face my emotions as much as I used to.  You would think that being in the second year of loss would be easier and that speaking about my feelings would come more naturally.  It is the opposite for me.  I find that as time goes on I am less able to discuss my feelings and memories of Isabella bring tears to my eyes more quickly then they used to. 

It has been a busy school year and I am happy to finally be on summer vacation.  I decided to change the grade that I will be teaching next year.  I am happy to be teaching older students and away from the age that Isabella would be approaching shortly.  She would have been three in September and teaching Kindergartens hit to close to home for me.

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy and I must say that this pregnancy is a little different then my pregnancy with Isabella.  When I was pregnant with Bella I did not have many of the symptoms that I have with this pregnancy, but overall I feel great.  Being pregnant again brought many emotions for me.  I had to face the reality that even though I don't want to and I don't like it having another child is the first step in moving forward with my life.  Even writing that makes my heart hurt because I do not want to move on.  I want to stay in the moment of when it was me, my husband and my daughter.  But how fair would that be to the little one that I am bringing into the world?  After Bella's passing I wanted to get pregnant right away.  If there was an orphanage near I would have went and adopted as many children as I could have fit in my arms.  I wanted to hold a child and pretend it was her.  My grief counselor had encouraged me to waita while before trying for another child.  She told me that I owed Bella her time as well as my future children.  I am so glad that I took her advice.  Looking back having a child at that time would not have been the smartest thing to do. Even though truthfully I don't know if you can ever be ready to put your heart on the line again and trust that you won't be hurt again.

I imagine Isabella rubbing my belly and talking to the baby.  I wonder if she is actually doing it and I don't see her.  I hope that she is here with me going through every step with me.   Isabella is going to be a big sister and my goal is to make sure that she always is remembered and cherished in our family.  She will always be my best friend, soul mate, first born, big sister and my little monkey/monster.

Mommy misses you sweet girl.


michelle said...

congrats again! I am glad the school the year is out and you can relax a bit. I agree waiting a bit is a good idea. Pregnancy after loss is hard though. xoxox

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your time off. Isabella for sure already met her little brother or sister and already gave them tips on what makes you and Frank giggle and laugh and what not to do so that they won't get in trouble :). As soon as she found out she was going to be a big sister she bragged about him/her to all her friends :) and is definitely with you and the baby each and every day during the pregnancy and forever. Even with the arrival of your new bundle, Isabella will never be forgotten and it is true in our household as Olivia always brings her up in conversations. You are both amazing parents!

BellaSteph said...

I have been gone so long I didn't even know you were pregnant! Congrats! Bella is for sure all around you especially during this time. She probably sees her sibling in heaven and is taking care of that baby. That's what I liked to think while I was pregnant with Blake. That my boys were up there together until it was time for me to have him and his spirit would come down. I am right with you that the 2nd year is harder. I have drawn back and had a hard time wanting to and sharing my feelings. I feel very much alone. Just know you are not alone and that we are all thinking of you. Congrats again!

marisa said...

Thank you all for your thoughts. I choose to think that Bella knows her sibling as well. It brings me a little peace to think that they have met and are comforting and loving eachother.

All of your support is always appreciated.

Gina C. said...

I haven't checked in for awhile. Your angel Isabella has given you a new direction and for sure she is on this journey with you and smiling all the way. God and her have it all planned out for you and Frank. Congratulations. You are always in my heart. xoxo