Saturday, April 30, 2011

Progress

Another Saturday has come and another Saturday has gone. I would love to sit here and write that I had a great day but unfortunately I cannot. Although, I can say that it was not terrible. Last night as I prayed to Isabella I apologised for not making her proud as I promised I would. I explained to her how hard getting out of bed is and how hard living without her is. I then told her that I would try to do better each day. Today with the nice weather Frank kept busy with the landscaping and in little spurts I tried to help. Even though I only did a little raking and picked up a few piles of leaves, I have made progress from the day before.


Why does it bother me so much that people do not see that I am trying? It makes me angry that people think that I should be "better." Do they think that this is something that I should already be over. Should I just forget about the best 18 months of my life and pretend that it did not happen. I am frustrated with hearing "Be strong" or :you need to move on". Even though I know that they do not mean it out of insensitivity or rudeness, it is not something that a grieving person wants to hear. I am being as strong as I can, and I do not know how to move on. I may not be doing songs and dances but I am doing the best that I can. For that, I hope that Isabella would be proud.

Isabella, I love you my sweet angel.

9 comments:

Dad said...

Marisa,
Thats the daughter I know,now the fire, passion and stubborness is showing again. Marisa I love you. Grieve whenever you feel like grieving, we all react in different ways. As for the "move ons" and "be strongs" everyone means well no one can possibly conceive the pain you are experiencing,I know. As for being strong you are being very strong for Frank as he is being strong for you. Marisa please continue to show that kind of spirit. Love you, Dad.
My darling Isabella,
Gampa adores you. "Budgie Budgie Boo" See you angel.

Lucy said...

Isabella and all of us are very proud of you. Only another bereaved parent could understand what you must be feeling. Don't feel pressured by anyone to do anything you don't feel ready to do. We are here to support you in any way we can. We love you, Frank and Bella so much and we will always be here for you.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Marisa,

I did not even meet your precious bundle of joy and my heart still aches for all of you. Think you should do better???? I am amazed you are out of bed and functioning at all, given such a tragedy! I truly rejoice everytime I read your blog because I can see the amazing progress you are making. This indicates you are mentally healthy and a strong woman. I guarantee you that your angel is proud!!!

Chris Coz said...

Better??? Who do I need to drop-kick? I think I'm taking on some of your frustration now, girl! The very thought of people thinking that "you should" anything makes me angry. There are no benchmarks to be reaching, no level to surpass. There's you and Frank and what you happen to feel on a given day. You've articulated this many times to me and only you know and understand what you feel and feel like doing in a given day. When you want to be left alone, say so. If you want to do this, that or the other, do it. You and Frank are driving this car and you take the road that you see fit. Where any of us can tag along for the ride to be helpful to you, say the word - you know we love you.

You're a superhero to me. I see you fighting to deal and cope as best as you can. You and Frank are working together to keep your marriage strong, just like it's always been and there is no better way to make Bella prouder than what you do everyday. But you're not made of steel. You're allowed to feel and say and do as you please if it helps you to get through a day so that it's bearable. Yes, people do have good intentions and say things like "be strong" when they don't know what else to say. I don't know if it will ever get easier to hear that sort of thing. Just be you - however and whatever that is on a given day. You know that those of us who know and love you best will love and support you however we can.

Hugs (and a long-standing offer to drop-kick, bodyslam, clothesline, suplex whoever whenever...),
Chris oxox

Chris Coz said...
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Chris Coz said...
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Sandra said...

Marisa,
Everyday I read your posts and am amazed at how you so courageously express your inner most feelings about Isabella. Your descriptive words bring us all into what you're feeling...you allow us to understand what you are going through - feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, confusion & despair. That in itself is so much progress and shows your true strength. I've cried after reading every post, finding myself asking God why he took Isabella from you & Frank, how it's so unfair that such loving parents had to say goodbye to their beautiful little girl. Unfortunately these
are questions that may never be answered.

Everyday I pray that God gives your family strength to make it through the day and hopefully one day bring peace
to your hearts. And I'm sure those that are telling you to be strong & to move on have every good intention, but this is not something you can easily move on from. What you & Frank are going through is unimaginable. There is no set time as to when you should start to feel okay and "normal" again. You do what your heart feels and take your time to grieve for Isabella. "Death leaves a heartache no one can
heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

When I read your post about Isabella visiting you in your dream I cried with a smile on my face because I was so happy that you got to see your beautiful girl. She will continue to visit you when you need her most. She is your little angel watching over you now and she is happy,
healthy & safe in heaven, still feeling your love everyday. I pray that she visits you often.

Thinking of you, your family and of course Isabella. 
Sandra Colangelo

Patricia said...

Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.

Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to us all. No one will ever understand what you are going through so they don't have a right to make you feel this way. Don't allow others to validate how you feel.

Your friends and family love you and they don't expect any less or more from you :) xo