Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ticking away!

I find myself looking at the clock several times throughout the day wondering what I would be doing at that moment if Isabella were here. Right now as I look at the clock I notice that I would be doing our nigh time routine which included, watching In The Night Garden, having cheerios and milk om mommy and daddy's bed, a family dance in front of the t.v, teeth bushing, reading a story from the bible, a prayer, prayer bear, lots of hugs and kisses and then bed. I used to miss having time to sit and do nothing and now I miss having so much to do. I am so angry at myself for ever complaining that I needed my own time. How selfish was I. Now God is giving me all of the time in the world and I want to give it all back. But instead the seconds tick away so slowly and the pain in my stomach grows so quickly. Isabella, I wish that you were here and we could do your bedtime routine once again. I miss you always!

1 comment:

Susan said...

Catherine used to like In the Night Garden when she was Isabella's age. She laughed every night at that bit in the closing sequence, when Iggle Piggle falls on his bottom! It was so funny.

Don't feel guilty - it is just your head playing tricks. Of course you wanted a little me time - you didn't want Isabella to die! And you don't have any me-time now - what rest and relaxation is there for us who live in hell?

I used to confused in the early days. It would pop into my head that I wasn't fit to look after Catherine (as I was too grief-stricken to cope with bedtime and fixing food etc.)... and wonder if that was why it had happened. When of course the opposite was true - I was only in such a state because she'd died.

You're doing really, really well. Keep going my love x