Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Regrets

Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about regrets. What regrets do I have to live with? One major regret that I have is that I did not put Isabella to sleep the night before she passed. I had put her to be every night except for the odd night where we had a wedding or a party. I enjoyed putting her to bed and snuck as many kisses as I could before she went to sleep. I live with the fact that her last night in her crib I did not put her down to sleep. I regret that the morning that she passed I was not there to get her out of bed and watch our morning cartoons. Instead I was at my school dropping of my lesson plan and preparing my class for the supply teacher. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But most of all I have guilt that I was not in the hospital room with her when she passed. Imagine knowing that your child was slipping away and you were not able to do what a mother does and protect them and hold them tight. I was not able to hold her, sing to her and remind her how much we love her. That guilt is the hardest of all and it is something that I think about every moment of every day. I would never wish this pain on anyone, even my worst enemy. Instead I wish to share with people something that we hear very often but I am sure never really think about. LIFE IS SHORT! I am not pretending to be enlightened but I am telling you that I now know the truth of that statement. If you are a parent tell your children that you love them as often as you can and when you ask them about their day, really mean it and listen. Remember that the kitchen will eventually get cleaned and the laundry will eventually get done, those precious moments with your family are exactly that precious. Even if you do not have children, hold the ones that you love close and don't take for granted that they will always be there. Regret is a terrible thing and unfortunately it is sometihng that many of us have. I just hope that Isabella forgives me for my regrets and knows how much all of the moments that we spent together meant to me.

6 comments:

Chris M said...

Marisa, you can bet we all hold our kids a little tighter. I for one can tell you that I do.

And for the record – I do think you are enlightened to some degree. One who is enlightened does not necessarily think they are smarter or better than others (you never would), they just have a different perspective on certain things. If the rest of us our lucky, they share it. You and Frank are being forced to view life through a new set of eyes now, and you continue to amaze me with your ability to look for bits of positivity amongst your immense pain and pass these along.

You personify strength little cousin.

All love.

Lucy said...

You're right Marisa, every one has regrets and I hope that in time you can forgive yourself for yours, because Isabella would never be upset with you for those times you've mentioned. When you weren't there to tuck her in or be there in the morning, her dedicated father was and she loved that time with him too. As a parent we always feel guilt, but remember that you always gave 150% of yourself as a Mother. As parents we have to juggle many roles between home and work. We all do the best that we can, and so did you. Isabella loves you and Frank more than words can describe and in her eyes you were perfect, simply perfect.

Josie DiMarco said...

Dear Marisa, I think everyone always using the phrase "Life is too short" as we see time go by so quickly. We get caught up in our day to day without realizing how precious our time together really is. I believe your precious Isabella’s passing has made us all stop to appreciate the real things in life that we take for granted. I know that she has helped me to really put life and its’ importance in perspective. She is truly an angel from above. Thank you for continuing to write and letting us into your thoughts.

Thinking of you always.

Chris Coz said...

Marisa, I'm sobbing while writing this because what you wrote makes me hurt for you. I can't possibly understand how you're feeling, but all I can think is that you lived your life and carried on in your routine not ever thinking something like this could happen. What could be the alternative - to live in fear on a daily basis? You taught your daughter to love every moment and everyone who really knew her can personally attest to that. All we can do is our best with the information we have at the time. You told her you loved her 100 times each day, at least. You were and the best possible mom that little girl could have ever been blessed with. Honest...

Hugs,
Chris

Mary G. said...

Marisa, I don't know if regret is one of the phases in mourning a child, but know that she felt loved even when you were not there those few times, as Lucy mentioned she felt loved by whoever was with her.

You were and still are an AMAZING mother.

Mom said...

My amazing daughter Marisa, I love you so very much and words cannot express how proud I am of you.

I pray for you to spend less time thinking of your regrets and concentrate on the special life both you and Frank shared with our precious Isabella. I know the time was too short but the wonderful memories outway your regrets by a long shot.

Isabella knows she was your world and how very much you love her. Remember she will always love you unconditionally.