Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not So Terrible

The first day of the weekend is over and thanks to our fantastic family and friends it was not so terrible. I can not say enough how grateful I am for all of the support that we receive on a daily basis. I actually sat outside today, which for me is a big deal. I sat in the front of the house reading a book on life after death. The sun was beaming and it made me feel like Isabella was giving me a big hug. It is not the hug that I want or will ever want but I guess that it is the hug that I am going to have to get used to. I only sat outside for fifteen minutes but it is all about baby steps. I know that I need to go out into the world but I am not ready to face life. Inside my house I feel safe and secure because everywhere I look I have reminders that Isabella was here. When I enter the world I do not have those security blankets and it scares me a lot. I think that I am starting to understand that Isabella would want me and her daddy to be happy. She was such a happy person and would not recognise her daddy and I in this miserable state. That does not mean that I am going to start living it up but it does mean that when I have a not terrible day I am going to hold onto it tightly. Therefore today is a day that I am going to hold onto tight and try to gain strength from each moment. Sweet Dreams Sunshine


Jenny said...

It is extremely hard to allow yourself moments of happiness, peace etc. In the beginning I was constantlly overwhelmed, how could I laugh and smile when my 18 month old wonderfully awesome child is dead. I'd berate myself, tell myself I wasn't honoring her memory. It took me awhile to understand that I have to move on but It doesn't mean I leave her behind. Thinking of you

marisa said...

Thank you Jenny. Your comments are more helpful then you know.

Jan Moir said...

Hi Marisa,

I've been thinking of you; and I asked Angie to resend me this link. I've saved it now so that I can drop in and see your thoughts.

It was awesome that you had some time outside...I think sometimes that nice weather brings a smile inside of us too.

Today is my Dad's Birthday and I wished him well in a note much like this site....telling him to watch for the a little while I will be releasing a Balloon into the sky for my Dad...I'll send a second, Pink with Butterflies for Isabella...


Jan Moir

marisa said...

Thank you Jan,

I will say a Birthday prayer for your father and I will let Isabella know that it is hi special day.

Angela Velocci said...

Hi Marisa,

I was so pleased to hear that you sat outside for a bit yesterday to enjoy the sunshine. I'm sure Isabella was so happy too! Maybe the sunny days aren't so bad after all ??

I saw a plaque at a friends house yesterday that I thought was very appropriate for you and Frank. It simply said "LIVE IN THE MOMENT."

Do whatever feels right to you. Like you said in your post, BABY STEPS. We will be here to hold your hand and help you with each step you take.

With all my love,


Lucy said...

I'm sure Isabella and Don have already met and are together in a very wonderful place. She would be mesmerized by his deep voice I remember so clearly, and he'd be telling her stories of how her Mommy loved to swim in his pool on hot summer days. They will both be in my prayers tonight and always.

Chris M said...

Glad to hear you could enjoy the sunshine Marisa. Sorry I missed you on Saturday. I'll be by again soon.

PS - I brought you a book called "The Power Of One". It's fiction. Not really about loss or healing, but just a really amazing story about strength and triumph. It's one of my favorites, and I thought you might like it.

All love....


Patricia said...

You are teaching me so many things Marisa. You and Frank are a beacon of light and I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel the warmth of Isabella.

See you soon,