Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A Hard Day

Today was a day filled with emotions that range from guilt, frustration and fear. Guilt is a funny thing because it creeps up on you and it is very hard to shake. I was playing the "what if" game today and asking myself what I could have done to prevent this outcome. Maybe I could have taken her to the hospital earlier, or maybe I should have extended my maternity leave even longer so that I could have spent more time with her. In the end I know that the I could not erase what has been done, but I still torture myself with the "what ifs". I feel like in the end I failed her by not being able to protect her from this terrible disease. When you hear one in a million you assume that the one is going to be someone else. In this case it was not someone else, instead it was my precious angel. I feel frustration over the fact that I have no control over this aspect of my life. I am leaving it in Gods hands and from where I am sitting now God has let me down. The fear kicks in when I think of the rest of my life. The life that once had so much hope and excitement is now empty without Isabella. Much of my tears come from fear over how I am going to carry on without her. The little bit of strength that I do have comes from Frank and knowing that he is being strong for me and I need to be strong for him. He is such an amazing and strong person and that is a triat that he has given to Isabella. I am so grateful that I have him in my life and that when I look at him I see Isabella in his eyes. I go to sleep tonight hoping like everynight that she will visit me in my dreams and that we can share another dance. If not, I will have to rely on my memories and try to pull strength and courage from all of the amazing moments that we shared. Good Night Bella


Jenny said...

The what ifs are the worst part. Over and over and over and over they go in your head and you just can't escape sometimes. I have no reason whatsoever for Megan's death so i spend hours and hours researching different things and wondering. The what ifs, the guilt, what did we miss?
Knowing that once upon a time ago I only thought things like this happened to other people is like a slap in the face. I am that person now, I am the person that has the child that died. I remember how many times I would read other peoples pain and wonder if they did something wrong. Now I know, it just happens. There is no rhyme or reason. It just happens. We can't hide behind the wall anymore, we now know that bad things happen to good people. It sucks and it is so very frustrating. I'm thinking of you tonight. I wish I had better things to say, I wish I knew all the right things to help make you feel better. Just know that I know what you are going through and everthing you are feelin is ok.

Angela Velocci said...

I sit here in front of my computer thinking what can I possibly say to make this easier for you and Frank. I'm certain there are no magic words to make it all better but I do know that you and Frank are the best parents ever. There is no doubt that you both gave Isabella all the love you had in your hearts and cared for her in the most loving way possible. She was always so happy!! The smile on her face was evidence of the happiness she felt inside. Oh how I miss kissing those beautiful cheeks. Even though I know she didn't really enjoy me doing it, she let me kiss her over and over. I love you so much Bella.
I wanted to thank you for writing the beautiful words that you do. You are truly an inspiration. I hope it is helping you in some small way to deal with your pain.
Keep it coming!!

Love you always and forever,

Chris M said...

Very eloquent Marisa, beautifully written. You’re doing a great job at describing the indescribable to other parents, and my heart aches for the two of you again today. You’re also right about Frank, he is a beacon of strength that you have to lean on. The support he provides will grow your strength……you won’t notice it for a long time, but it will grow bit by bit, and eventually the fear will start to subside. I’d be insane to tell you there will ever be a “normal” again, but you’re going to get close to it together, with the help of the people reading this blog and those closest to you. That’s why we’re here.

Much love…..Chris

Patricia said...

I love you
Have faith
A sign is on its way

Caterina said...

Patricia told me about your blog. She knows how much I've been thinking about you and praying for you. You’ve been sent a lot of light and love in the last month, and you'll only get more as you share Isabella's story with the world. Tell us everything Marisa, we’re here.

Auntie Lydia said...

As I slipped away for a few days from all the pain that we have been enduring the last couple of weeks, I could not enjoy one moment with my children as my mind was always on you. You meaning Isabella my precious and vibrant little girl and both you and Frank for the amount of strength and courage you will need to carry on. As these days pass we think it should only get better but only you know in your heart that the pain will never inevitably go away, but slowly subside. As I read your blog which you have written so beautifully I can only tell you Marisa that you were put on this earth to be a mother. It showed through the joy of your child and will remain with us forever. I pray that the love and support from all of us will give you the strength to carry on. As I always loved you as my little sister I will continue to be there for you both always. Nite Nite Bella, sweet dreams.
With all my love...

Your big cousin Alex said...

I've read your blogs and all these comments over and over again hoping to finally come up with a few words of love to write to you, Marisa. As I sit here trying to think of something to say, I am speechless. I will never forget the day you told me, "I hope Isabella grows up to be just like you!" I've role played that moment through my head so many times these past few weeks as it seems like just yesterday that we were one big happy family. I want you to know that you're a big sister to me, I love you so much. Although we all know this pain will never end, I want you to always remember how many lives Bella touched. That smile and that laugh even stop me from crying some times. She truly was an angel and she is being taken care of.

I found this poem and it felt so real to me so I thought I'd share it with everyone.

I wonder what you’re doing,
And how your living life.
What new things did you learn today?
And how did you sleep last night?
Did you feel raindrops on your face,
Or sunshine in your eye?
Of all the questions left unknown,
The biggest one is why.
Why can’t we be together?
Why can’t I watch you grow?
Why can’t I guide you through this world?
This I just don’t know.
But I promise we’ll be together,
No matter how long it seems.
Just know your always in my heart,
And always in my dreams.

Love you Bella baby.

Loretta said...

Marisa, your words continue to touch me more than you could ever know. My heart truly breaks for you and Frank and not one day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how you are feeling, and if there was anything that I could do or say to make it better. You and Frank will continue to draw strength and courage from eachother - you are both amazing, loving people. Hold the memories you shared with Bella close. Bella is always with you and Frank, guiding you, & surrounding you with her love - and she knows how much her parents love her and miss her.
Hugs and Love,

marisa said...

Thank you for all of your support. Frank and I appreciate it more then you know.