Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Gloomy with pockets of light

Today's weather was very symbolic of how I felt today. I felt mostly gloomy with little pockets of light that were trying to shine through. The light showed itself as the friends and family that surround us daily with support, love and food! I had a dream last night that ran through my mind all day today. I dreamt that I was walking through the halls of Isabella's school and I noticed her cubbie and coat rack. I saw that her name tag was taken down and replaced with another child's name. It upset me so much to see another child's name where hers should be. I remember her walking those hallways so proud like she owned the place. I cannot say enough how much she loved her school and her friends that she made there. I remember crying so hard the days leading up to me returning to work and the fear that I had that she would not be taken care of and cherished by the teachers at her school. How wrong I was because they loved her and comforted her and that was evident in her demeanor when I picked her up. I think that is why my dream bothered me as much as it did. I makes me sad that those children in her class will not remember her and that her teachers may think of her less and less each day. It also makes me think of how life goes on for everyone but us. Our lives have stopped, our future is unknown and as much as everyone misses her and loves her they have gone on with thier lives. The reality is that someday we will have to do the same. I just cannot see that far yet and am unaware of how I will be able to smile and laugh knowing that she is not with me. Yet I am sure when I do laugh and when I do smile it will be because I am remembering her smile, her sense of humour and most of all her unconditional love. We love you monkey.


Bernadette said...

Though it may seem like others are going to slowly move on and forget, I don't think that is true. Even though I only know Isabella through stories I think about her everyday. I pray that the joy she is feeling in Heaven may somehow creep into your heart. Even if something of hers is physically replaced that amazing spirit you describe can never be replaced or forgotten. Marisa - your strength has given me strength to deal with life and has changed my perspective on everything. I will always think of you and beautiful Isabella.
Bernadette (Patty's friend)

Jenny said...

It is always a horrible to realize that people are moving forward. Their spots aren't held, time hasn't stood still at all. ITs a feeling I still hate.
Thinking of you

Susan said...

Yes, people will move on. Eventually some of them will even become irritated with you for "not coping very well" or "not accepting it". Although C died over a year ago, I still think of myself as recently bereaved - but I know for other people, it is somehting that happened ages ago. So although Easter w/e was our first Easter without Catherine and included the anniversary of her funeral, lots of people still asked me if I enjoyed the holiday! Doh... go figure...

The think to hold onto though is this: parents don't leave their children behind. It's not like losing your aged Granny, who I talk of fondly in the past tense. For me my daughter is someone I love and think of every day, just as I would have done had she been alive. You will find ways of carrying her with you. It is not the same as having her to hold, but you at least will not move on - other than to let some of the raw pain subside.

You are doing so well - the things you are coming to terms with are a path well trodden. I think it is just something that needs to be done, but am here to hold your hand where ever I can.

Angie said...

It makes me sad to read your words today because the reality is that our lives have gone on. We have had no choice but to move on. But as we go about our daily routines, in no way have we forgotten about our beautiful Isabella or do we think of her less each day. We miss that little monkey so very much. The love that we felt for her when she was with us has not and will never fade. She is in our hearts forever and ever.

I do believe that someday you will smile and laugh again and the sun will shine brightly on you once again. When that sun does shine it's Isabella smiling and laughing from Heaven above. You know she'd want you to be happy and smile back at her.

We're here for you for anything you may need.

Love you always and forever.