Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dreaming of my Princess

It finally happened after all of my asking and praying. I finally dreamt of Isabella. I dreamt that my little monkey was alive. In my dream she was younger that she was when she passed. I could tell because her hair was much shorter and not as curly. She had that little piece right at the front that she had that left us wondering when she would grow all of her remaining hair. Little did we know that she would eventually grow the most beautiful head of curly hair, just like daddy when he was a baby. When I saw her in my dream I remember saying that it was a miracle and that God had finaly given me my miracle. I remember thinking that all of my bargaining with God and Hail Mary's had paid off because God decided that he had made a mistake when he took her. I began looking at her for signs of Strep A such as the swollen neck or high fever and could not see any. I then said that I was going to call the hospital and have them look her over to make sure that they prevented her illness from returning. Then, I woke up. For a minute I lay there believing that my dream was real and then I realised that that is all it was, a dream. Suprisingly, I did not cry or scream. Instead I closed my eyes and tryed to continue my dream. I was not done with seeing her, I needed more. I did not get to kiss her, smell her, tell her how much I love her and miss being with her. Unfortunately just like I cannot control every aspect of my life, I was not able to control my dream. I was not able to close my eyes and have my daughter alive, even if it was only for a minute and even if I knew that it was not real. I was trying to find a sign in my dream, convinced that there had to be one. I was thinking that maybe my dream was Isabella telling me that she is alive. That a miracle did happen and that she is proof because she is alive, in heaven. I will never know what my dream meant or if it even is meant to be a sign. But I do know more then ever that Isabella is alive in heaven and that she is experiencing pure, unconditional love. Am I still angry, YES. Am I still sad, YES. Am I still confused, YES. But I am coping with all of these emotions the best way that I know how. Thank you for visiting me sweet Bella. You came to me when you knew that I needed you the most. I will be thinking of you tonight and awaiting our next visit. I love you.

10 comments:

Patricia said...

You are the most amazing person, woman, friend, neighbour, spirit, I could ever have the privilege of knowing and sharing my life with and I want you to know how much I love you and Frank and your amazing family and friends. Marisa, you are an unbelievable inspiration and the most courageous person I know. Isabella did visit you in your dreams! She did! And she will again! And again! Thinking of you always my precious friend.
Love
Patricia
P.S. Frank, thinking of you too :)

Jan Moir said...

Hi Marisa,

I remember when my sister Pattie started her blog for my nephew Stefan. Some days were hard to read and digest - as I found myself in "her" place many times and thinking of the many emotions she was experiencing. I remember thinking that it was all too REAL, and many days put my head on my desk in tears.

I found myself there yesterday when I read your Dad's comments to you and Isabella...WOW!

And now today I look to see how many people have logged in to read what you have to say...OMG that in such a short time over 2000 and it seems all over the world too!

That's ENERGY of the greatest kind and it's growing every day!

Hugggs....

Jan xoxo

Mom said...

Marisa,

Your messages are coming straight from your heart and I am so very proud of you to share these emotions with all of us. Your feelings are felt by us all and like you it is really difficult to get past the anger stage. Although with each message you write it gives me hope that you are slowly healing and gives me strength to go on.

In your dream of Isabella she came to you as she always did when you used to call her. She knew you needed her and I am sure her message is that she is ok mama and not to worry. Just like the day you were lying on your coach napping and she came over and put her small blanket on you. She knows when you need here and she will always be there for you.

Our little Princess Isabella was an incredible little girl who from the moment she was born brought us so much joy; and took our love to a new level. Now I know how much a grandmother loves their grandkids and unfortunatly in Isabella's case how much it hurts when they are gone.
Nonna will never forget our special time together my litte Princess.

I love you Marisa and my princess Isabella I love you more!

Angela Velocci said...

Marisa,

I am so pleased to hear that Isabella came to you in your dreams as I know how much you prayed for that to happen. She IS alive in Heaven, where she is happily playing with all her new little friends. We all know how easily she made friends with her easy going disposition and beautiful smile. Those traits come from the wonderful parents she was blessed with.
Remember, that Isabella is also very alive in all of our hearts. She will be there forever and ever.

Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

I love you.

Angie

Natalie Turowski said...

I read your blogs every day and struggle with anything to say that could help you and Frank. But there are no magic words. Healing takes time and part of healing is every emotion you're going through. And God can take your anger, frustration, confusion and anything else you may throw at him. He is strong enough to take it and help you heal at the same time.
I experience each one of your days through your words and am staggered to the core at your shining courage and strength in letting us all into your thoughts and emotions.
I'm so proud of you.
I think Isabella will visit you both often.
Thinking of you,

Natalie

dad said...

Marisa my love. A positive sign ? Although in grandpas mind,she has been connected to heaven since she was born. An Angel in heaven just as she was an Angel on earth.I am so happy you had a visit from precious Bella maybe its a portent of more to come.I love you honey keep it up.And to my Bella my sweet love."Budgie Budgie Boo" come visit "Gampa" too.Love you forever. Gampa.

Mary Gatti said...

Marisa, how I cried and at the same time was so happy that you dreamt of our angel Isabella. I'm sure that she has been so busy getting to know all the other little angels in heaven just like her ..... I can see her running away with their socks. She wants to let you know that she is fine and safe and that she loves you and her daddy so very much. As she is starting a new life in heaven she would want only the best for you and Frank. I look forward to reading you blogs every morning and every day you inspire me with your strength, your thoughts and most of all your love.
Love you,
Mary

Loretta said...

Marisa, you continue to amaze me everyday as I come to read your posts. Continue to share your thoughts and feelings with all of us - as we all want to give you a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, an ear to listen always.

I'm happy that Bella came to you in your dream - and know that she will continue to do so, especially when you need her most.

I'm in awe of your strength and courage as you express your feelings.

My thoughts and love are with you and Frank. xo

Paula said...

Dear Marisa,

It's me finally, after 5 times, I have your Aunt Angie here helping me (having some blonde moments) getting onto the site. I have been reading your blogs daily, as the reader I am finding it very therapeutic because as you feel your pain we feel it too. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of you and your family and what your dealing with. I remember the days in the backyard at your Aunt and Uncle's place by the pool. Isabella loved the pool, splashing with the water. The fond memory I have of that. That's how I remember your little angel. What was most special was watching your face with her as you held her in your arms. I don't know who liked the pool more her or you just holding her and seeing the reaction on her face. Those days are such a great memory that we can hold onto. Know that we are thinking of you and will be there when you need us.

Love your cousin Paula xo

Chris Coz said...

I know I've written this before, but I am really so proud of you for the honesty with which you write. You manage, so eloquently, to say what you're feeling on the inside without apology or hesitation.

I'm sitting in my office at school crying away while reading that your little munchkin came to visit you in your dreams. I'm so glad that you had that joy, even if you weren't awake. All the more reason to believe that she'll be with you wherever you take her along. You can still experience life with her, obviously not in the way you want or deserve to, but she's not far. I hope that you take these dreams as signs of encouragement to rebuild. You've said that you want Bella to be proud of her parents everyday. Maybe your dream is a message that she's watching, that she so wants for you and Frank to be happy. That's all she was ever all about - bringing joy to anyone who ever came in contact with her.

I miss her to pieces...

Hugs,
Chris :)