Empty Inside

Today was a strange day for me. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster that took me for many ups and downs. As I dragged myself out of bed this morning at 11:30, I realised that this was the time that Isabella ate her lunch and I felt the urge to go down and start preparing. She always had cheese to start and berries to finish. She was probably the only child who loved her avocado and could eat it every night. I don't think that I will be able to eat pieces of cheese, avocado or berries again without breaking down. Frank and I did some errands today and walking into the grocery store was one of the hardest things. It felt as if I was missing an arm or leg as we walked through the store. I knew that something was missing and that something was her. I felt so empty and felt as if every person in the store could see my pain. I found myself avoiding eye contact with people afraid that they would see the fear and anger in my eyes. We later went to see Isabella at the cemetery and I was saddened by the amount of babies and children that have passed away. It puts into perspective the amount of people that are suffering just as we are. I imagined Isabella running around in heaven with all of her new friends showing them her puzzles and naming all of her favourite animals like 'cub" an "inamous" (hippopotamus). She loved being around other children, especially her cousin Mya. I am sure that she is showing Mya's picture off in heaven as she did here on earth. All of the pictures of Mya in our house are curled at the ends because Isabella would hold onto them so tight and carry them around the house. I find myself telling more stories about her, but the sad thing is that the more I speak of her or look at her pictures the more pain I feel. While telling a story of her tonight I suddenly began to feel hot and nauseous. I feel so guilty that it hurts to tell stories or look at pictures of my own daughter. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at her pictures and videos without falling apart. Looking around my house, I realise that I have not moved anything of hers from before she passed away. There are still cheerios on the floor that she had dropped while eating her snack. I will sweep around them but will not move those cheerios. I want as many reminders of her possible. It is almost time for frank and I to go to her room and read the bible and pray just as we did every night when she was alive. I then stay in her room and we have our mother daughter chat which always ends in me crying and telling her how proud I am and always will be of her. Again I pray that I will get a visit from my princess tonight and be able to look in her beautiful eyes. Good night My Angel, Mommy loves you