Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Empty Inside

Today was a strange day for me. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster that took me for many ups and downs. As I dragged myself out of bed this morning at 11:30, I realised that this was the time that Isabella ate her lunch and I felt the urge to go down and start preparing. She always had cheese to start and berries to finish. She was probably the only child who loved her avocado and could eat it every night. I don't think that I will be able to eat pieces of cheese, avocado or berries again without breaking down. Frank and I did some errands today and walking into the grocery store was one of the hardest things. It felt as if I was missing an arm or leg as we walked through the store. I knew that something was missing and that something was her. I felt so empty and felt as if every person in the store could see my pain. I found myself avoiding eye contact with people afraid that they would see the fear and anger in my eyes. We later went to see Isabella at the cemetery and I was saddened by the amount of babies and children that have passed away. It puts into perspective the amount of people that are suffering just as we are. I imagined Isabella running around in heaven with all of her new friends showing them her puzzles and naming all of her favourite animals like 'cub" an "inamous" (hippopotamus). She loved being around other children, especially her cousin Mya. I am sure that she is showing Mya's picture off in heaven as she did here on earth. All of the pictures of Mya in our house are curled at the ends because Isabella would hold onto them so tight and carry them around the house. I find myself telling more stories about her, but the sad thing is that the more I speak of her or look at her pictures the more pain I feel. While telling a story of her tonight I suddenly began to feel hot and nauseous. I feel so guilty that it hurts to tell stories or look at pictures of my own daughter. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at her pictures and videos without falling apart. Looking around my house, I realise that I have not moved anything of hers from before she passed away. There are still cheerios on the floor that she had dropped while eating her snack. I will sweep around them but will not move those cheerios. I want as many reminders of her possible. It is almost time for frank and I to go to her room and read the bible and pray just as we did every night when she was alive. I then stay in her room and we have our mother daughter chat which always ends in me crying and telling her how proud I am and always will be of her. Again I pray that I will get a visit from my princess tonight and be able to look in her beautiful eyes. Good night My Angel, Mommy loves you


Cousin Chris said...

Marisa these details are beautiful. The cheerios, the turned edges on photos….all so crystal clear. I can see them all through your words. These are the pieces that will make Bella’s memory live forever.

You are doing so well on here. I’m so proud of you for having the strength to share.

Keep it up.

All our love and support....


Natalie Turowski said...

Hi Maris,

You're doing so well on here. I can see your memeories in your words. I know it hurts. Keep writing. I agree with Chris.

Love Nat

Patricia said...

Hi Marisa,

I want to tell you that your writing is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your memories and pain with us. Although we aren't hurting to the depths you and Frank are, we are hurting so much inside and long for peace for you. By allowing us a glimpse into your pain, you are releasing it little by little to each of us that read it so that one day you will be able to share stories about beautiful Isabella and laugh instead of cry. You and Frank are one of the most kind and caring couples I have ever met and your love for each other brings me to tears. You are so brave in your pain and we love you so much.

Lucy said...

Each morning I wake up and read your blog, and not once have I been able to finish reading it without huge tears welling up in my eyes and pouring down my face. I cry so much that I can't see the words through my blurry vision and have to stop to catch my breathe. I cry because I feel the pain in your words and relive each memory as you describe it. I would do anything to take that pain away. The hardest part is knowing that I can't.
It hurts to look at photos and talk about stories of her, because you miss you so badly and that is perfectly normal. We will always talk about Bella and will keep all of the memories fresh in our minds and hearts.
Just as Bella loved Mya, Mya loves Bella too. She kises her picture on the fridge every morning and often laughs when she looks at her.
I know that it may not be comforting right now, but try and remember that she is always with you. Always close to you and Frank. I feel Bella here with us too and I talk to her often. Just last night I finally had the courage to take Mya's favourite book out and read it to her. You know the one...Bella gave it to her when she was born. I had put the book away after Bella passed away because I was afraid Mya would ruin it and I wanted it to stay safe forever. I realized that more than ever, this book should be read and enjoyed as it is a way for us to connect with Bella in small way. Mya had a choice of a pile of books and all she wanted was that one. Each time I finished reading it to her, I would put it down and pick up another. She would crawl over all of the other books and reach for the same special book. We read it five times and each time I knew Bella was sitting right there with us. We love you Bella.

marivic said...

Hey Marisa, Like I told you...the sun WILL shine again. Keep your head up!