Friday, April 15, 2011

I got through it

I got through it! As I mentioned in my last blog, today was the one month mass for Isabella. I was so worried and could not think of anything else all day. I do not think that I moved from the couch all day because I needed the constant distraction. I was afraid of reliving the moment of the funeral mass but also of being around so many people. Until today I kept my company in small groups and usually it involved being in my own house in my comfortable and familiar surroundings. The mass was beautiful and the priest did an amazing job. He is not to preachy, preachy, and always knows how to speak of Isabella with such sweetness and sincerity. I think that I may have received another sign today, while sitting in church. The first song that the church singer sang was Here I Am Lord. As soon as I realised what song it was I began to cry. I sang that song to Isabella every night before bed. Our bedtime song list usually included Amazing Grace, Ave Maria and Here I Am Lord. I actually started to sing those songs to her while she was still in my womb. I am a firm believer that babies in their womb can hear everything that you say to them. When Isabella was born and she would cry she would stop as soon as I sang any of those songs. It was almost as if the familiarity of the songs made her feel safe right from the start. I think that her message was to tell me that she still hears the music and that she feels safe where she is. All a mother can ask for is for her child to feel safe and that is how the music made me feel. I felt blessed to see how many people had attended Isabella's mass. Isabella always loved parties and crowds so I am sure that she was mingling amongst them. I was so touched to see that Isabella's teachers from her school had come and I felt like Isabella wanted me to give them a message. A few days after Isabella had passed I dreamt that I was speaking to her teacher and telling her how much Isabella loved her and loved being in her class. When I saw her today I felt as if Isabella wanted me to pass on that massage. I told the teacher of my dream and my theory that Isabella was using me as a messenger. She responded in tears and told me that with all of the children that she has worked with that Isabella touched her like no other and that not a day goes by that they do not speak of her. It makes me happy to know that she has touched them in that way because they brightened her life more then they know. I had prepared myself that I was not going to stay for the coffee and tea after the mass but suprisingly I had more strength then I had expected. I was able to hold conversations and even stayed right until the end. I think that all of the prayers that we are receiving, the constant support from family and friends and the courage that I receive from my little princess each day is making me a stronger person. Maybe the sun will shine again someday and I will allow myself toembrace it. MAYBE

11 comments:

Jan Moir said...

Hi Marisa,

I had you on my mind today while raking leaves in the yard - I thought it might be a difficult day for you....and as I read your thoughts I'm so moved and proud at how you have responded.

I also think of an expression that I attach to my emails that says..."Life isn't tied with a bow...but it's still a gift" -

That gift that you were given in Isabella, and her short sweet life is so beautifully honored and expressed!

Hugggs Marisa - You Rock, Girl!!

Jan xoxo

Chris Coz said...

Your strength never ceases to amaze me, Marisa. I know that Bella is holding your hand every step of the way as you journey towards healing and some sense of peace. I believed it with every bit of being when I told you that you now, are her hands and feet and so that you should be her messenger is so fitting.

Love you lots,
Chris

Chris M said...

Marisa - you and Frank were both amazing last night. I didn't expect to see you after either but I'm glad you did.

The mass was beautiful.

Keep on writing! And remember, it does not have to be only once a day, you can do it as often as a feeling emerges you need to share.

Continued love...

Chris M

Angie said...

My sweet neice Marisa,

I don't know where to begin to let you know how very proud of you I am. To be totally honest, I didn't expect you to come at all after mass last night. I wouldn't have blamed you one bit if you decided not to. I knew how difficult it would be for you and Frank. The fact that you had the courage to be around such a large group of people and stay until the doors of the daycare were locked behind us amazes me to no end. You're both amazing.

I do believe that Isabella was with us last night. Hearing the song "Here I Am Lord" is most definately a sign from our little Angel as was the fact that we gathered together in a daycare room which was one of her most favourite places to be. She gave you and Frank the strenth to get through last night and she will continue to help you heal.

Marisa, the sun WILL shine again one day - Isabella will make sure of that !!

I love you,

Angie

Monique said...

Hey Marisa,
I just want to let you know that I think you are an amazing woman. You have faced the most difficult thing that one could face in life, and the strength that you have is just amazing.I admire your blog, I think this is a great way for you to release your emotions, as it is very necessary to spill it. To keep it in, will only make things harder for you. It was great seeing you last night as I am always thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
Your blog is beautiful keep writing.

Monique

Jenny said...

Been thinking of you, keep writing it helps.

mom said...

Marisa,

I am so proud of you and Frank. I kept looking at both of you last night in amazement for your strength and courage. Both of you are my inspiration and it helps me as I greive for my precious grandaughter Isabella.

Love Mom

Miss you Bella. I love you so very much.

Patricia said...

I am so glad Isabella is sending you signs of her love. Keep being open to them and many more will come. On my way to mass, the sun was shining so bright, I knew it was Isabella wrapping her arms around you and Frank.
Talk to you soon,
Love
Patricia

Alex Velocci said...

The sun will shine again, and we'll all be there holding your hand when it does. Bella will be shining down on all of us. I wish I could've been at the mass yesterday. Thinking about you, Frank, and my little angel always.

Love you

Paula said...

Marisa & Frank

So sorry I could not attend the mass for your little one last night. Know that I was thinking of you as always. Hope to see you real soon.

Love ya,
Paula xo

Angie said...

Marisa,

Thinking about you and hope you're having a good day.

Love you always,
Angie