I got through it

I got through it! As I mentioned in my last blog, today was the one month mass for Isabella. I was so worried and could not think of anything else all day. I do not think that I moved from the couch all day because I needed the constant distraction. I was afraid of reliving the moment of the funeral mass but also of being around so many people. Until today I kept my company in small groups and usually it involved being in my own house in my comfortable and familiar surroundings. The mass was beautiful and the priest did an amazing job. He is not to preachy, preachy, and always knows how to speak of Isabella with such sweetness and sincerity. I think that I may have received another sign today, while sitting in church. The first song that the church singer sang was Here I Am Lord. As soon as I realised what song it was I began to cry. I sang that song to Isabella every night before bed. Our bedtime song list usually included Amazing Grace, Ave Maria and Here I Am Lord. I actually started to sing those songs to her while she was still in my womb. I am a firm believer that babies in their womb can hear everything that you say to them. When Isabella was born and she would cry she would stop as soon as I sang any of those songs. It was almost as if the familiarity of the songs made her feel safe right from the start. I think that her message was to tell me that she still hears the music and that she feels safe where she is. All a mother can ask for is for her child to feel safe and that is how the music made me feel. I felt blessed to see how many people had attended Isabella's mass. Isabella always loved parties and crowds so I am sure that she was mingling amongst them. I was so touched to see that Isabella's teachers from her school had come and I felt like Isabella wanted me to give them a message. A few days after Isabella had passed I dreamt that I was speaking to her teacher and telling her how much Isabella loved her and loved being in her class. When I saw her today I felt as if Isabella wanted me to pass on that massage. I told the teacher of my dream and my theory that Isabella was using me as a messenger. She responded in tears and told me that with all of the children that she has worked with that Isabella touched her like no other and that not a day goes by that they do not speak of her. It makes me happy to know that she has touched them in that way because they brightened her life more then they know. I had prepared myself that I was not going to stay for the coffee and tea after the mass but suprisingly I had more strength then I had expected. I was able to hold conversations and even stayed right until the end. I think that all of the prayers that we are receiving, the constant support from family and friends and the courage that I receive from my little princess each day is making me a stronger person. Maybe the sun will shine again someday and I will allow myself toembrace it. MAYBE