Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Denial

I have been reading about the stages of grief and I wonder where I fall on the spectrum. I am sometimes in the bargaining stage, very often in the guilt and anger stage but lately I wonder if I am back in the denial stage. Even though I know that Isabella is gone, sometimes it just hits me and it is as if I am experiencing it for the first time. This happened today when I was sitting outside of my house and listening the the birds sing. I just imagined Isabella pointing at the trees and saying "trees", or her sitting on the steps in front of the house just as she liked to do on the steps going upstairs or of the both of us looking at the birds or feeding them bread. Then I remember that those experiences will not happen and that I will never again experience any of those moments with her. I became overwhelmed with anger, sadness and denial and had to go upstairs in my bedroom and be alone. That is the problem with grieving, you can experience the stages at anytime and it is as if you are going through it for the first time. The same ball in the stomach, the same urge to throw something across the room and the same questions of why me? I think that these emotions are coming to the surface because I am anticipating the 1 month mass that we are having for Isabella tomorrow. As much as I am grateful that we are making time to come together and pray for her, I am not looking forward to reliving the moment of her funeral. That is what I feel like we are doing. I am scared, saddened and angry that this is the type of celebration that she is having. Instead of planning her second birthday, our family has been planning the one month mass of her passing. Isabella, tommorow is a day to celebrate you, your life and the love that you showered us with everyday. I love you and am so grateful that I get to call myself your mommy. Goodnight Bella.

4 comments:

Chris Coz said...

I can appreciate your hesitancy with tonight's mass. I'm so sorry that I can't be there with you and your family. You expressed some concern about how soon this mass seemed to come so I hope that you are taking it easy today. Please know that I am thinking of you and Frank today, wishing I could be there instead of dealing with my students' parents. You know how it is... Love and hugs to you both :)

Chris

Lucy said...

Sis, I know that the mass today is not going to be easy. We will all be there to support you and Frank. Even though it will be difficult for everyone tonight, especially for the two of you, Bella deserves it. Let's do it for her. All of your family and friends who love her so much will join together tonight in honor of her and the joining of all of those prayers will be a powerful experience.

Mom said...

I know tonight will be extemely difficult but I know Isabella will help you get through it. She will be looking down at you and Frank and say "Mama, Papa I AM THE BEST GIRL" and then beat her chest like Gampa taught her and say "I LOVE YOU"

However difficult, we will gather tonight with our family and friends to share our love and pray for our precious Isabella. Our Princess who will be forever in our hearts.

Love you.........

Karen said...

Marisa & Frank,

Everyday I say a prayer for both of you & for Isabella. Everyday I feel bad that I still haven't talked to you, but I just wouldn't know what to say. And most days I'm still in disbelief. And I still haven't told Liam, I don't have the courage to, I'm afraid to. And a few days ago, he told me he wants to see Isabella. I assumed he meant his first cousin Isabel whom he plays with often, but he said, 'no...IsabelLA.' All I could say was, 'maybe we'll see her soon...at Mya's house'.

I want you to know that I feel blessed to have met Isabella, even though it was only a few times. Her adorable curls & beautiful smile brought a lot of joy to everyone around her. Marisa, you are a wonderful mother & your words are amazing, I'm sure Isabella is proud of you.

I'm sorry I can't make it to the mass tonight. I am thinking of you & Frank & your family as you go through this very difficult time.

Love & prayers,
Karen