Denial

I have been reading about the stages of grief and I wonder where I fall on the spectrum. I am sometimes in the bargaining stage, very often in the guilt and anger stage but lately I wonder if I am back in the denial stage. Even though I know that Isabella is gone, sometimes it just hits me and it is as if I am experiencing it for the first time. This happened today when I was sitting outside of my house and listening the the birds sing. I just imagined Isabella pointing at the trees and saying "trees", or her sitting on the steps in front of the house just as she liked to do on the steps going upstairs or of the both of us looking at the birds or feeding them bread. Then I remember that those experiences will not happen and that I will never again experience any of those moments with her. I became overwhelmed with anger, sadness and denial and had to go upstairs in my bedroom and be alone. That is the problem with grieving, you can experience the stages at anytime and it is as if you are going through it for the first time. The same ball in the stomach, the same urge to throw something across the room and the same questions of why me? I think that these emotions are coming to the surface because I am anticipating the 1 month mass that we are having for Isabella tomorrow. As much as I am grateful that we are making time to come together and pray for her, I am not looking forward to reliving the moment of her funeral. That is what I feel like we are doing. I am scared, saddened and angry that this is the type of celebration that she is having. Instead of planning her second birthday, our family has been planning the one month mass of her passing. Isabella, tommorow is a day to celebrate you, your life and the love that you showered us with everyday. I love you and am so grateful that I get to call myself your mommy. Goodnight Bella.