Monday, April 11, 2011

A Crap Day!

Anger settled in and made itself comfortable today. We visited Isabella at the cemetery and I must admit that today was harder then it usually is. I was angry at the fact that I have to go somewhere to visit my daughter and then to make it worse I have to leave her there alone. My heart breaks when I think about it and I keep reminding myself that Isabella's body is no longer Isabella. Instead, her body is just a shell and her, I mean the real her is somewhere is heaven. I became emotional watching the Kardashians on t.v, this evening. I was watching the relationship between the mom and the daughters and even though their relationship is dysfunctional I was envious. I dreamt of having that relationship with Isabella, minus the dysfunctional. I imagined us having late night talks, and her sharing with me her deep dark secrets. Even more, I am saddened that her future siblings will not have that relationship with her. They will not fight over clothes, and complain about how unfair their parents are. Isabella loved babies and would have been a great older sister. I am sure that people get tired of reading how upset I am and are hoping for something a little more positive, but today is one of those days when I have nothing positive to write. I think that all these fancy words is just me trying to say that today was a crap day!


Lucy said...

You are entitled to feel how ever you want, whenever you want. Remember that this blog is about you and having a place to release your true feelings. No one expects anything form you at all, we just want to be here for you and support you through this. I hope that tomorrow is a little less crappy.
Love you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Marisa, actually I don't think you are negative at all in your blogs. You are a very positive woman who is trying to deal with a very negative time in your life right now. The one thing I did read in this blog is a very positive one. You mentioned future children and that is one thing that I hope for you and Frank. Even though Isabella is no longer with you physically she will always be with you and your family spiritually. My mom lost her little girl many years ago. I was born a year later and I can tell you that even though I never met her I still feel like I have this little angel sitting on my shoulder all the time guiding me and my family.(my older sister)My mom talks about her all the time and it makes me feel like I knew her. In one way I feel like I do....she is with me spiritually!God does funny things, but in my mom's eyes he worked a miracle. He took away her precious little girl and then set her another one who was able to help her deal with the loss of her little girl. It's never a crap day have such strength each day to write your feelings. You are allowed those crap days...they will get better as time goes on. Keep writing, keep expressing, you truly are an inspiration!

Chris M said...

No one is tired of reading how your days are going Marisa...good or bad. Like Lucy says, this forum is all about you having a release, and that is healthy.


Josie DiMarco said...

Marisa, no one is upset with you in any way! I think if anything, everyone is very happy that you are expressing your feelings. Good or bad, please keep it up as I hope it is helping you get through your days.

Hugs always..Josie

Mary Gatti said...

Hi Marisa, You have every right to have crappy days and no one will ever get tired of you writing about them. We are all here for you during the good days and during the bad days too. I know that you and my brother will keep Isabella's memory alive with her future siblings by telling them so much about her. She will be the big sister who will watch over them. Marisa, you are an amazing person and an inspiration to all of us.

Love Mary

Jan Moir said...

Awww Huggs Marisa;

So so many emotions for you to go through - and just like everyone is saying...Get it out, as it's much better out - than in!! Of course I have this friend who says that about farts!

I'm certainly feeling ALL that you say and I wish I was really there with you to give you a Hug in person!

I think it's amazing that you are writing and the things you are they are all part of the process in the 5 Steps of Grieving...

I know it's painful to think about now....but the way in which you express yourself convinces me that you are an amazing Mom/Parent/Person....With that much love and hope of things to share inside of would be a blessing to bestow on another....

More Huggs....


Dad said...

My Precious Daughter Marisa,
I love you very, very much. Marisa words cannot express how very proud I am of your courage, your passion, your anger and your fire. Basically you are bearing your very soul in these blogs.
Marisa if anyone of your blogs helps a mother cope with the loss of a child, it's a success. If your blog helps one parent understand this terrible disease, its a success. If writing your blog helps you in anyway possible, its a success. Marisa deep in your heart there is a glowing ember. That ember is "Bella". Everyone who knew "Bella" has that ember, only in your case it is glowing much more brightly. So treasure all of your memories because that ember "Bella" will always be with you.
Love Dad

My much loved Grandaughter Isabella,
I treasure every single moment I spent with you. Love, joy and so much happiness was everywhere when you were around. Truly, truly
you were "The Best Girl".
Budgie Budgie Boo my sweet, sweet
"Gampa" Loves you!

Angie Arsenault said...


I'm sure I'm one of many people that read your blog everyday but struggle to come up with words that might help bring you some comfort.
I wanted to share with you a poem that I read at my sister-in-law's funerals. I found the words comforting so I hope it has the same effect on you and Frank.

The poem is called Letter From Heaven. I've attached the link.

My thoughts and prays are with both of you every day.

Gina C. said...

Marisa, always remember that what is taken away with one hand is given with the other. You and Frank were blessed with Bella and will be blessed again and again. Your writing is so beautiful and strong. I feel so connected to Isabella and I never had the chance to meet her. But you make it so easy that in my heart it feels like I did meet her. You and Frank continue to be in my prayers for strength, courage and faith. You have touched so many people with your blog......and what a difference you are making. I am so proud of YOU!!!