Progress

Another Saturday has come and another Saturday has gone. I would love to sit here and write that I had a great day but unfortunately I cannot. Although, I can say that it was not terrible. Last night as I prayed to Isabella I apologised for not making her proud as I promised I would. I explained to her how hard getting out of bed is and how hard living without her is. I then told her that I would try to do better each day. Today with the nice weather Frank kept busy with the landscaping and in little spurts I tried to help. Even though I only did a little raking and picked up a few piles of leaves, I have made progress from the day before.


Why does it bother me so much that people do not see that I am trying? It makes me angry that people think that I should be "better." Do they think that this is something that I should already be over. Should I just forget about the best 18 months of my life and pretend that it did not happen. I am frustrated with hearing "Be strong" or :you need to move on". Even though I know that they do not mean it out of insensitivity or rudeness, it is not something that a grieving person wants to hear. I am being as strong as I can, and I do not know how to move on. I may not be doing songs and dances but I am doing the best that I can. For that, I hope that Isabella would be proud.

Isabella, I love you my sweet angel.

Everybody has a story

I often sit and think how everybody has a story. Every person has something that has dramatically influenced their lives. I have been so blessed to have the opportunity to speak with so many women who volunteer to tell their stories to me. Their stories that include loss of a precious child, loss of their hopes and dreams. These are people who have volunteered to speak with my and try to help me through my time of need. Revisiting thier own loss is not easy and that is what makes what they do so special. It is amazing how large the community of grieving parents is and even more amazing is how open greiving parents are to share their stories. When you lose a child it is as if you become part of a group that you never wanted to be a part of. I wish that nobody had to ever be part of such a group. The common thread that I hear is that even though you live your life, you will never forget. But eventually the remembering is not accompanied with pain, but instead with love and thankfulness. I will eventually get to the point when I can be thankful and not angry. When I get to that point I hope to be able to give back by being there for any other parent that has suffered the loss of a child. It the perfect world, this type of tragety will bever happen again. In reality, this type of tragety happens everyday. I miss you Isabella.

Gloomy with pockets of light

Today's weather was very symbolic of how I felt today. I felt mostly gloomy with little pockets of light that were trying to shine through. The light showed itself as the friends and family that surround us daily with support, love and food! I had a dream last night that ran through my mind all day today. I dreamt that I was walking through the halls of Isabella's school and I noticed her cubbie and coat rack. I saw that her name tag was taken down and replaced with another child's name. It upset me so much to see another child's name where hers should be. I remember her walking those hallways so proud like she owned the place. I cannot say enough how much she loved her school and her friends that she made there. I remember crying so hard the days leading up to me returning to work and the fear that I had that she would not be taken care of and cherished by the teachers at her school. How wrong I was because they loved her and comforted her and that was evident in her demeanor when I picked her up. I think that is why my dream bothered me as much as it did. I makes me sad that those children in her class will not remember her and that her teachers may think of her less and less each day. It also makes me think of how life goes on for everyone but us. Our lives have stopped, our future is unknown and as much as everyone misses her and loves her they have gone on with thier lives. The reality is that someday we will have to do the same. I just cannot see that far yet and am unaware of how I will be able to smile and laugh knowing that she is not with me. Yet I am sure when I do laugh and when I do smile it will be because I am remembering her smile, her sense of humour and most of all her unconditional love. We love you monkey.

Ticking away!

I find myself looking at the clock several times throughout the day wondering what I would be doing at that moment if Isabella were here. Right now as I look at the clock I notice that I would be doing our nigh time routine which included, watching In The Night Garden, having cheerios and milk om mommy and daddy's bed, a family dance in front of the t.v, teeth bushing, reading a story from the bible, a prayer, prayer bear, lots of hugs and kisses and then bed. I used to miss having time to sit and do nothing and now I miss having so much to do. I am so angry at myself for ever complaining that I needed my own time. How selfish was I. Now God is giving me all of the time in the world and I want to give it all back. But instead the seconds tick away so slowly and the pain in my stomach grows so quickly. Isabella, I wish that you were here and we could do your bedtime routine once again. I miss you always!

The carrots are gone!

The baby carrots are gone! I was very excited to see that the carrots I left for my bunny friend are gone. I left more carrots hoping that the visits will be frequent. Thank you Jan for the information about the messages that rabbits bring. I also have a little bird friend that has been using my tree in the front of my house as its new home. It comes and goes but sits on my tree as if it is guarding my house. Keep the messages coming!

Another day gone

Another day has come and gone. I have to say that the days and nights are getting harder instead of easier. Each second feels like days and day feels like years. I feel as though I am wishing time away thinking that some day I will wake up and it might hurt a little less or I may find some joy in my life that makes me want to smile. Yesterday I saw a bunny in the backyard and I know that Isabella would have loved to see it. While I tried to put carrots out to feed it I scared it away. I left the carrots there thinking that it may coome back. I can just imagine Isabella standing at the window saying rabbit, rabbit. I would love to hear that beautiful voice. I think back to what I was doing on this day last year and I remember how excited I was. I had Isabella with her purple bunny ears on and her Easter basket in my hand and daddy behind the video camera. We walked around the house searching for the various chocolate eggs that I had hid. Isabella not understanding what was going on, and mommy like a giddy school girl. I was so excited to be having this moment with my daughter and to be sharing with her the special memories that I had as a child. I just hope that she is running around heaven looking for Easter eggs with big fluffy ears on. I miss her so much! I miss her smile and the way that she would push my bedroom door open with such force that it would bang the wall. More then anything I miss her hugs. I miss her little arms wrapped around my neck and her resting her head on my shoulder. What I would give to have that again. I never imagined that I could love another person as much as I love her. She truly is the best of me and Frank put together and she made us better people. Without her I feel like the centre of my family is gone and I don't ever know if we will feel whole again. Good Night Isabella, Mommy and Daddy love you.

Thank You

I recently received something from Sick Kids Hospital giving their condolences for our loss and thanking us for making them our charity of choice. We were also informed that $2365.00 has been raised in Isabella's name and the donations are continuing to come in. Thank you to all who have donated in Isabella's name. We are one step closer to saving an innocent child's life.

On behalf of Frank and Isabella, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Regrets

Last night I was lying in bed and thinking about regrets. What regrets do I have to live with? One major regret that I have is that I did not put Isabella to sleep the night before she passed. I had put her to be every night except for the odd night where we had a wedding or a party. I enjoyed putting her to bed and snuck as many kisses as I could before she went to sleep. I live with the fact that her last night in her crib I did not put her down to sleep. I regret that the morning that she passed I was not there to get her out of bed and watch our morning cartoons. Instead I was at my school dropping of my lesson plan and preparing my class for the supply teacher. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But most of all I have guilt that I was not in the hospital room with her when she passed. Imagine knowing that your child was slipping away and you were not able to do what a mother does and protect them and hold them tight. I was not able to hold her, sing to her and remind her how much we love her. That guilt is the hardest of all and it is something that I think about every moment of every day. I would never wish this pain on anyone, even my worst enemy. Instead I wish to share with people something that we hear very often but I am sure never really think about. LIFE IS SHORT! I am not pretending to be enlightened but I am telling you that I now know the truth of that statement. If you are a parent tell your children that you love them as often as you can and when you ask them about their day, really mean it and listen. Remember that the kitchen will eventually get cleaned and the laundry will eventually get done, those precious moments with your family are exactly that precious. Even if you do not have children, hold the ones that you love close and don't take for granted that they will always be there. Regret is a terrible thing and unfortunately it is sometihng that many of us have. I just hope that Isabella forgives me for my regrets and knows how much all of the moments that we spent together meant to me.

A Journey

It has been a few days since I have posted anything and I know that everyone is wondering how we are. We are both fine but I have just not been in the mood to share my thoughts or feelings the past few days. I have needed some time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions and took the time to do just that. I still miss her like crazy, as I do every minute of every day. I was recently told by another grieving mother that what we are going through is a journey and in the end we will be better people because of it. I already see the world differently. I appreciate every minute with every person I love. I don't sweat the petty things and do not let ingorance take place in my heart or life. It is sad that it has taken such a trajic loss for me to get to this place. I think that having Isabella in my life has made me a better person and for that I am truly grateful.

I got through it

I got through it! As I mentioned in my last blog, today was the one month mass for Isabella. I was so worried and could not think of anything else all day. I do not think that I moved from the couch all day because I needed the constant distraction. I was afraid of reliving the moment of the funeral mass but also of being around so many people. Until today I kept my company in small groups and usually it involved being in my own house in my comfortable and familiar surroundings. The mass was beautiful and the priest did an amazing job. He is not to preachy, preachy, and always knows how to speak of Isabella with such sweetness and sincerity. I think that I may have received another sign today, while sitting in church. The first song that the church singer sang was Here I Am Lord. As soon as I realised what song it was I began to cry. I sang that song to Isabella every night before bed. Our bedtime song list usually included Amazing Grace, Ave Maria and Here I Am Lord. I actually started to sing those songs to her while she was still in my womb. I am a firm believer that babies in their womb can hear everything that you say to them. When Isabella was born and she would cry she would stop as soon as I sang any of those songs. It was almost as if the familiarity of the songs made her feel safe right from the start. I think that her message was to tell me that she still hears the music and that she feels safe where she is. All a mother can ask for is for her child to feel safe and that is how the music made me feel. I felt blessed to see how many people had attended Isabella's mass. Isabella always loved parties and crowds so I am sure that she was mingling amongst them. I was so touched to see that Isabella's teachers from her school had come and I felt like Isabella wanted me to give them a message. A few days after Isabella had passed I dreamt that I was speaking to her teacher and telling her how much Isabella loved her and loved being in her class. When I saw her today I felt as if Isabella wanted me to pass on that massage. I told the teacher of my dream and my theory that Isabella was using me as a messenger. She responded in tears and told me that with all of the children that she has worked with that Isabella touched her like no other and that not a day goes by that they do not speak of her. It makes me happy to know that she has touched them in that way because they brightened her life more then they know. I had prepared myself that I was not going to stay for the coffee and tea after the mass but suprisingly I had more strength then I had expected. I was able to hold conversations and even stayed right until the end. I think that all of the prayers that we are receiving, the constant support from family and friends and the courage that I receive from my little princess each day is making me a stronger person. Maybe the sun will shine again someday and I will allow myself toembrace it. MAYBE

Denial

I have been reading about the stages of grief and I wonder where I fall on the spectrum. I am sometimes in the bargaining stage, very often in the guilt and anger stage but lately I wonder if I am back in the denial stage. Even though I know that Isabella is gone, sometimes it just hits me and it is as if I am experiencing it for the first time. This happened today when I was sitting outside of my house and listening the the birds sing. I just imagined Isabella pointing at the trees and saying "trees", or her sitting on the steps in front of the house just as she liked to do on the steps going upstairs or of the both of us looking at the birds or feeding them bread. Then I remember that those experiences will not happen and that I will never again experience any of those moments with her. I became overwhelmed with anger, sadness and denial and had to go upstairs in my bedroom and be alone. That is the problem with grieving, you can experience the stages at anytime and it is as if you are going through it for the first time. The same ball in the stomach, the same urge to throw something across the room and the same questions of why me? I think that these emotions are coming to the surface because I am anticipating the 1 month mass that we are having for Isabella tomorrow. As much as I am grateful that we are making time to come together and pray for her, I am not looking forward to reliving the moment of her funeral. That is what I feel like we are doing. I am scared, saddened and angry that this is the type of celebration that she is having. Instead of planning her second birthday, our family has been planning the one month mass of her passing. Isabella, tommorow is a day to celebrate you, your life and the love that you showered us with everyday. I love you and am so grateful that I get to call myself your mommy. Goodnight Bella.

Dreaming of my Princess

It finally happened after all of my asking and praying. I finally dreamt of Isabella. I dreamt that my little monkey was alive. In my dream she was younger that she was when she passed. I could tell because her hair was much shorter and not as curly. She had that little piece right at the front that she had that left us wondering when she would grow all of her remaining hair. Little did we know that she would eventually grow the most beautiful head of curly hair, just like daddy when he was a baby. When I saw her in my dream I remember saying that it was a miracle and that God had finaly given me my miracle. I remember thinking that all of my bargaining with God and Hail Mary's had paid off because God decided that he had made a mistake when he took her. I began looking at her for signs of Strep A such as the swollen neck or high fever and could not see any. I then said that I was going to call the hospital and have them look her over to make sure that they prevented her illness from returning. Then, I woke up. For a minute I lay there believing that my dream was real and then I realised that that is all it was, a dream. Suprisingly, I did not cry or scream. Instead I closed my eyes and tryed to continue my dream. I was not done with seeing her, I needed more. I did not get to kiss her, smell her, tell her how much I love her and miss being with her. Unfortunately just like I cannot control every aspect of my life, I was not able to control my dream. I was not able to close my eyes and have my daughter alive, even if it was only for a minute and even if I knew that it was not real. I was trying to find a sign in my dream, convinced that there had to be one. I was thinking that maybe my dream was Isabella telling me that she is alive. That a miracle did happen and that she is proof because she is alive, in heaven. I will never know what my dream meant or if it even is meant to be a sign. But I do know more then ever that Isabella is alive in heaven and that she is experiencing pure, unconditional love. Am I still angry, YES. Am I still sad, YES. Am I still confused, YES. But I am coping with all of these emotions the best way that I know how. Thank you for visiting me sweet Bella. You came to me when you knew that I needed you the most. I will be thinking of you tonight and awaiting our next visit. I love you.

A Crap Day!

Anger settled in and made itself comfortable today. We visited Isabella at the cemetery and I must admit that today was harder then it usually is. I was angry at the fact that I have to go somewhere to visit my daughter and then to make it worse I have to leave her there alone. My heart breaks when I think about it and I keep reminding myself that Isabella's body is no longer Isabella. Instead, her body is just a shell and her, I mean the real her is somewhere is heaven. I became emotional watching the Kardashians on t.v, this evening. I was watching the relationship between the mom and the daughters and even though their relationship is dysfunctional I was envious. I dreamt of having that relationship with Isabella, minus the dysfunctional. I imagined us having late night talks, and her sharing with me her deep dark secrets. Even more, I am saddened that her future siblings will not have that relationship with her. They will not fight over clothes, and complain about how unfair their parents are. Isabella loved babies and would have been a great older sister. I am sure that people get tired of reading how upset I am and are hoping for something a little more positive, but today is one of those days when I have nothing positive to write. I think that all these fancy words is just me trying to say that today was a crap day!

1 Month of Sadness

So the weekend is over and now I have to face another week. Today marked 1 month since Isabella passed away. How quickly time is going, it feels like I have not seen Isabella in such a long time. I was upset today because I felt memories starting to become unclear. I am afraid that I am forgetting the sound of her voice or her laugh. I want so bad to watch the many videos of her but am afraid that I will not be able to see through my tears. I sometimes just have to say out loud how much I miss her and how much I would give to hold her again. I find myself bargaining with God even though I know that he will not change what has happened. I keep thinking that maybe a miracle will happen and maybe I can go back in time and prevent this from happening to her. I am reading all kinds of books about people who have had out of body experiences and how prayer brought them back to life. I am questioning that maybe I did not pray enough while she was in the hospital or maybe God did not think that I deserved to have her back. I just wonder why some people get second chances and others do not. If anyone deserved to come back it was her. She had so much life and wonder in her eyes and it makes me angry that it is gone. The world became a darker place on March 10, 2011 because the biggest ray of sunshine was taken away. Isabella, you will always be the sunshine that brightens up my life and my heart. I am thinking of you every minute of every day. I love you Bella.

Not So Terrible

The first day of the weekend is over and thanks to our fantastic family and friends it was not so terrible. I can not say enough how grateful I am for all of the support that we receive on a daily basis. I actually sat outside today, which for me is a big deal. I sat in the front of the house reading a book on life after death. The sun was beaming and it made me feel like Isabella was giving me a big hug. It is not the hug that I want or will ever want but I guess that it is the hug that I am going to have to get used to. I only sat outside for fifteen minutes but it is all about baby steps. I know that I need to go out into the world but I am not ready to face life. Inside my house I feel safe and secure because everywhere I look I have reminders that Isabella was here. When I enter the world I do not have those security blankets and it scares me a lot. I think that I am starting to understand that Isabella would want me and her daddy to be happy. She was such a happy person and would not recognise her daddy and I in this miserable state. That does not mean that I am going to start living it up but it does mean that when I have a not terrible day I am going to hold onto it tightly. Therefore today is a day that I am going to hold onto tight and try to gain strength from each moment. Sweet Dreams Sunshine

Dreaded Weekends

I remember how much I used to love Friday nights because I knew that the days to come were filled with family time. Staying in our pajamas until noon, watching the Wiggles movie, having big family dinners or even going to the grocery store. It did not matter what I did as long as it was with my two favourite people. Now, I sit here dreading the weekends and the family time that I am missing. I am constantly reminded by the families walking by the house, the parents riding their bikes with the children's seats in the back or even the smell of the B.B.Q. I can't help but be envious or even jealous of all of these things, because these are the things that I had planned to do with Isabella. I know that Isabella is doing these things in heaven along with many other great things but I cannot help but wish that we could experience these things together. After reading the many blogs of other parents who are greivng the loss of a child I have come to terms with the fact that this is now my life. I will have bad days and better days, but will never have the same days that I once had. How can I? My heart has been ripped out and now I am trying to put it back together peice by peice. Even though some day it may be whole again, it will always have the scar that Isabella's loss has left. We love you Isabella

Change the World

Today marks four weeks since me dear Isabella received her wings. That means four weeks since I have given my sweet girl a kiss, or smelt her sweet smell, or sang to her her favourite songs or looked in her beautiful eyes. These four weeks have felt like a lifetime and the prospect of the rest of my life without these things seems incomprehensible. I cried a little less today, which is a good thing. I think that I had the constant distraction of family and friends coming and going throughout the day. We discussed the fundraiser walk that we are going to do in Isabella's name and how we are going to donate the proceeds to two doctors who specialise in the disease that had taken Isabella's life. I think that this is a good start to making sure that she is never ever forgotten. I was telling a friend that Isabella was going to change the world because she had so much to offer. My friend pointed out that she still can and it is up to me to be her hands and feet. I promised Isabella the day that she passed that I was going to make her proud each and every day. This is a step to making my angel proud of her mommy. With my family and friends help I am going to make a difference by helping to raise money to prevent another innocent life be victim to this terrible disease. Isabella, I will be your hands and your feet and now it is time for mommy to make you proud of her just as I am proud of you. I love you more then ever my little monkey.

Empty Inside

Today was a strange day for me. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster that took me for many ups and downs. As I dragged myself out of bed this morning at 11:30, I realised that this was the time that Isabella ate her lunch and I felt the urge to go down and start preparing. She always had cheese to start and berries to finish. She was probably the only child who loved her avocado and could eat it every night. I don't think that I will be able to eat pieces of cheese, avocado or berries again without breaking down. Frank and I did some errands today and walking into the grocery store was one of the hardest things. It felt as if I was missing an arm or leg as we walked through the store. I knew that something was missing and that something was her. I felt so empty and felt as if every person in the store could see my pain. I found myself avoiding eye contact with people afraid that they would see the fear and anger in my eyes. We later went to see Isabella at the cemetery and I was saddened by the amount of babies and children that have passed away. It puts into perspective the amount of people that are suffering just as we are. I imagined Isabella running around in heaven with all of her new friends showing them her puzzles and naming all of her favourite animals like 'cub" an "inamous" (hippopotamus). She loved being around other children, especially her cousin Mya. I am sure that she is showing Mya's picture off in heaven as she did here on earth. All of the pictures of Mya in our house are curled at the ends because Isabella would hold onto them so tight and carry them around the house. I find myself telling more stories about her, but the sad thing is that the more I speak of her or look at her pictures the more pain I feel. While telling a story of her tonight I suddenly began to feel hot and nauseous. I feel so guilty that it hurts to tell stories or look at pictures of my own daughter. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at her pictures and videos without falling apart. Looking around my house, I realise that I have not moved anything of hers from before she passed away. There are still cheerios on the floor that she had dropped while eating her snack. I will sweep around them but will not move those cheerios. I want as many reminders of her possible. It is almost time for frank and I to go to her room and read the bible and pray just as we did every night when she was alive. I then stay in her room and we have our mother daughter chat which always ends in me crying and telling her how proud I am and always will be of her. Again I pray that I will get a visit from my princess tonight and be able to look in her beautiful eyes. Good night My Angel, Mommy loves you

A Hard Day

Today was a day filled with emotions that range from guilt, frustration and fear. Guilt is a funny thing because it creeps up on you and it is very hard to shake. I was playing the "what if" game today and asking myself what I could have done to prevent this outcome. Maybe I could have taken her to the hospital earlier, or maybe I should have extended my maternity leave even longer so that I could have spent more time with her. In the end I know that the I could not erase what has been done, but I still torture myself with the "what ifs". I feel like in the end I failed her by not being able to protect her from this terrible disease. When you hear one in a million you assume that the one is going to be someone else. In this case it was not someone else, instead it was my precious angel. I feel frustration over the fact that I have no control over this aspect of my life. I am leaving it in Gods hands and from where I am sitting now God has let me down. The fear kicks in when I think of the rest of my life. The life that once had so much hope and excitement is now empty without Isabella. Much of my tears come from fear over how I am going to carry on without her. The little bit of strength that I do have comes from Frank and knowing that he is being strong for me and I need to be strong for him. He is such an amazing and strong person and that is a triat that he has given to Isabella. I am so grateful that I have him in my life and that when I look at him I see Isabella in his eyes. I go to sleep tonight hoping like everynight that she will visit me in my dreams and that we can share another dance. If not, I will have to rely on my memories and try to pull strength and courage from all of the amazing moments that we shared. Good Night Bella

We miss you!!!!

I am touched by how many people have responded to my first post and I hope that you will continue to do so. It is amazing how many lives Isabella has touched in such a short time. Even though Isabella was only present in my life for 18 months, it is as if she was always here. All of my most memorable moments are ones that she was present for. I never knew how much I could love another person until she came into my life. She was not only my daughter, but also my best friend. She had a sense of humour, a big heart and little touch of an attitude. I wonder who she got that from??? As I am writing this my stomach hurts due to the amount that I miss her. I miss changing her diapers, reading her stories, cutting up her black berries and most of all dancing with her and daddy in front of the television to her favourite song every night before bed. All of these things I assumed I would always be doing, yet here I am today wishing that I could turn back time and go back to those moments. I just hope that Isabella knows how much her Papa and I love her and that we truly enjoyed every moment that we spent with her. Thank you for all of the memories, for all of the love and most of all for being you. You are truly missed today and always!!!!!

Firstly, I would like to start by thanking my dear friend Christine for creating this blog for me as a way of sharing the many memories that I have of my precious daughter Isabella. I must warn you that in no way am I a writer, poet or someone who has a way with words. Instead, I am just a mother who is trying to comes to grip with the loss of the most important person in her life. It takes a tragedy like this to make a person realise how much support they have in their life. I am so grateful to all of my family and friends for all of the time that they have dedicated to listening to me cry and complain about how unfair life is. Yet behind thier strong faces I know that they are crumbling inside just as I am.

Last night as I lie on my bed trying to understand all of the chaos that was going on in my head, I decided write a poem as a way of expressing my sadness. Here is what I came up with.

The world was once an amazing place,

so many wonders one could embrace.

Full of smiles and so much love,

I was so grateful to above.

Now my heart is filled with fear,

anger and fruatration looming near.

I'm left standing wondering why,

my sweet Bella had to die.

My faith is questioned, beleifs unclear,

why would God take someone so dear.

My precious angel I'll never forget,

for the time we shared is no regret.

Maybe in time my heart will mend,

I'll get some answers in the end.

For now my memories are my Saving Grace,

I hold them close in a special place.

For in my heart she is still alive,

all I can do is sit and cry.