I am busy again

It has been a while since I have written. It is not because I have nothing to say but because I have been super busy. I have been back at work since the last week of August and on top of that I am taking a religion course every Monday and some weekends and that will continue until December. I have also joined a new Child Loss Group which I attend once a week. For the last seven months I have not had that feeling of being busy and I have to say that the feeling is very familiar. I remember the feeling of rushing to Isabella's school, struggling to make dinner as she ripped all of the plastic bags from the drawer. I remember not even being able to go to the washroom in silence because Isabella always wanted to be in there with me. I remember the feeling of being busy and I missed that it.

Last week on the news I saw that a scientist believes that he has diproven Eisenstein's theory of nothing being faster then the speed of light. The scientist feels that if this is true that Time Travel may be possible. It made me wish that this was true and that I could go back in time, even just for a moment. Even just to tell her that I love her one last time, or to run my finger through her curls, or to have her sleep with her head on my tummy. Al of those things that I took for granted, that now I am relying on a time machine to go back in time to experience once again.

The past week as been full of ups and downs. It is exactly like the book says. Greif sneeks up on you when you least expect it an it makes itself nice and comfortable. I knew that this month would be difficult but I never expected to feel as low as the lows feel. I guess that this is just practice for all of the birthdays and anniversaries that are to come.

Wish me luck

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL GIRL

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

On this day two years ago I became a mom to the most amazing little girl. She had us wrapped aruond her finger as soon as we looked into her eyes. On that day I never imagined that I would end up here, but here I am. I never imagined that I would be singing Happy Birthday to a picture and a Birthday Balloon. I guess this is my new normal.

This morning we went to the cemetary to visit Isabella. We brought her a Happy 2nd Birthday balloon and a Birthday card. It was hard to sit there and look at her picture and wonder if she is celebrating her Birthday in heaven. We bought some of Isabella's favourite books and some colouring books from cartoons that she liked and brought them to her school. I know that she would be happy with that. I made her a heart shaped Birthday cake this morning and even though it did not come out as good as the one that I made her last year, I am happy that I made it. I want to make her a cake every year on her day.

I was suprised to come home as see a vase of flowers at the door. The flowers were Gerbera Daiseys which are my favourite. The flowers were from the Principal at Isabella's school as well as her teacher. I knew that there was someting special about that place when I registered there and now I know that it is the people that work there. The card read that they are thinking of beautiful Isabella today and always.

Later today I am going to have a peice of her birthday cake and release a Birthday Balloon with a special message for her on it. I wish I could do more but for now this is how it needs to be.

I miss you Bella and look forward to the day when I can join your birthday party once again.

Six Months

Yesterday marked six months since Isabella has passed. It is weird because for the first time I am actually feeling that I have to wait years and years to see her again. I guess that I always knew it but when you hear six months it puts into perspective how long it will be. Six months is a third of her life, that is so long.

I don't like the idea that I will not be the same person when that time comes. I wonder if I will be the same silly mommy that she knows and loves. I wonder if she will like the mommy that I become. I want to be the same person that she knows but know that with time and life experiences people change. I just don't want to harden, become angry and bitter. Isabella would definitely not recognise me then.

Yesterday was also my father's birthday and I know that Isabella was right there with us. She was right there on Grandpa's lap blowing out the candles and sharing his carrot cake with him. It was a hard day for all of us but we all knew that Isabella would have wanted us to celebrate.

I am half way through the month of September and have to admit that the month of September will always be a hard month for me.

Miss you Bella,

Mommy

Time is nothing but a word

My first day of school is done and I have to admit it was no so bad. It was hard seeing all of the parents with cameras taking pictures of their children's first day of school and knowing that I will never be taking those pictures with Isabella. I am now kicking myself for not taking a picture of Isabella on her first day of Montessori/preschool. I thought that I would have time to do all of those things, but I now realise that time is nothing but a word.

The parents of my new students were all wonderful and what I once thought were overbearing parents, I now see as parents who love their children so much. I think that my perspective has changed and I am now going to be a better teacher because of it.

When speaking with my sister today she said something that sums up exactly what I was feeling today. She said that at times of the day you get so overwhelmed with what you are doing that you forget that you have a life out of school. At times I forget that I have a daughter that is living in heaven and watching over me. It is a bitter sweet feeling because those moments bring peace but after that moment passes you remember that you are going straight home instead of picking up your child from school.

Isabella was watching me today and is watching me everyday. That is the only reason that I was strong enough to get through the day.

Thank you Bella for always helping Mommy through the tough times.

Mommy

Tomorrow........

Tomorrow is the first official day of the school year. I have been into my classroom and my room is ready to go. I have had the opportunity to see all of my coworkers and have to say that everyone was very good. I was worried that people would dwell on the question of how are you.... To my surprise everyone was very normal which made my transition into returning to work easier.

I questioned changing schools when Isabella passed thinking that it may be easier to be around people who did not know my situation. I am so happy that I decided against that. I am so blessed with great friends at work and truly cherish their support. I am surprised that I have no Isabella's in my class this year due to the fact that it is such a popular name. I was a little worried about that but had no worry to. I am searching for a picture of Isabella to place on my desk so that I will always be able to see her beautiful face. I need to have her will me at school to get me through those tough days. Just look at that face!

I love you Bella!

Another angel in heaven

Thank you to everyone who sent me an e-mail and decided to continue reading my blog. I am honoured that you would want to follow along as I express my hopes and fears, depending on the day.

I received devastating news the other day that a friend of a relative of mine had a terrible loss. Her child passed away in his sleep, otherwise known as SIDS. My heart goes out to that family and I know to well the pain that they are going through.

I know the anger towards God, toward yourself and towards the universe for causing this terrible thing to happen. I know the lack of compassion towards anyone because the only pain that you are able to feel is your own, and no other pain matters. I know the bitterness towards every other person who has a living child (even complete strangers) because this happened to you and not to them. I know the unwillingness to take care of yourself (not eating healthy meals, not wearing your seat belt) because you do not care about yourself anymore. I know to well the will to be with them and begging God to take you as well because you could not bear another moment without your child.

Somewhere along the way I also began to know the little glimpses of hope and faith that you will see your child again. I experienced the moments when you get shivers for no reason because your child is sending you a big hug. I know the support of family and friends that carry you at times when you are unable to stand.

Unfortunately you have to go through the darkest moments in order to see the light that is at the end waiting for you. I have not fully gotten to that bright light but I know that I am on my way. I know that my future will be bright and that some day my tears will be replaced with laughter. My journey has just began and it is going to be a long road to travel. But I know that I am not travelling it alone. I have a fantastic husband who is also an outstanding father. Most of all I have a little monkey named Isabella who is dancing along beside us and cheering us in at times when we feel low. The three Cappelli's will get through this together and for that I am truly grateful.

Please keep that precious baby boy on your prayers.

Do not stand at my grave and cry

Any mother who has lost a child has probably experienced the guilt that you feel when you do not visit your child at the place where their body has been laid to rest. I have been feeling extremely guilty because I once would visit her there and feel comfort but now as soon as I get in the car to drive there I feel anxious. I don't like thinking about where her actual body is, or that when I turn around and leave that I am leaving her physical body behind. It takes everything in me not to break down that wall and hold her in my arms, kiss her little lips and twirl her curls around my fingers. I feel closer to her in my own house. I feel her presence in my bedroom and in her play room. I know that she is here with us, and not here behind that wall. All that is there is the shell of a body that was once her. Even though I know this, I still wish that I could hold her body in my arms and take her home where she belongs.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning rush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quit birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there I did not die.

Written by: Mary Elizabeth Frye

email address is wrong!

My sister pointed out that the e-mail account that I posted is sending the -mails back. I figured out that I spelt beauty wrong on the account. So please send your email to bellabeuty@hotmail.com an I will send you an invite to the blog..

Thanks,
Marisa

Back to work!

The summer is almost over and in a few weeks I am returning back to work. I am looking forward to the distraction, the routine and to meeting all of my new students. As of next week my blog is going to be by invitation only. I appreciate all of you who have been reading my blog and I hope that you continue to do so. I am just trying to prevent any of the students from my school reading my blog. Even though I do not speak of anything inappropriate I would like to keep my personal life and work life separate. If you would like to continue reading my blog please send me an e-mail at bellabeauty@hotmail.com and I will send you and e-mail to invite you to the blog.

Thank you for all of your support.

Marisa

Comfort

The past week has been a difficult one. A very close friend of ours lost their mother and it is always hard seeing people that you love in pain. I am now getting used to seeing bad things happen to good people.

The mass was held at the same church where we had Isabella's mass and the resting place is the same mausoleum where Isabella is. I wanted to be there to support my friends because they have always been there for us, but I found it extremely difficult. It was hard being there and knowing that just five months earlier I was there celebrating the life of my daughter. I was able to sit through the mass which was beautiful. I find the church a very comforing place, I just wish that I had brought Isabella there more. Although I did go to the mosoleam, I did not stay for the burial. Instead I went to see Isabella and tried to get some comfort from her. I know that sounds weird that visiting her there would give me comfort. Just seeing her face, seeing her name and talking to her gives me comfort. She is my best friend and best friends comfort each other.

I miss you Bella!

Five Months

Yesterday marked five months since Isabella has went to heaven. I feel like it just happened yesterday yet I miss her like she has been gone for fifty years. Next month would have marked her second birthday. I already had it planned out. It was going to be an animal themes since she loved animals and I was going to do it as the farm. I was going to make her a farm animal cake, and have farm animal decorations. I am not sure what that day will bring but I do know that it will not be easy.

We went out to dinner on Monday with some family and right beside our table was a big blue butterfly (fake one) hanging in the plant. None if the other tables that we saw had one but ours. I think that was her way of saying that she was joining us for dinner. My daughter was not one to miss a good meal, just like her mommy!

Love you Bella,
Mommy

My little teacher's pet

My internet has not been working for the past week which left me not only unable to blog but also unable to keep up with everyone else blog. It is amazing how lost you can feel without internet access. Last week I had an extraordinary visit with Isabella's teacher and the principal from her school. As I have written in previous blogs Isabella's school is blessed with wonderful people from the teachers to the cook that made all of her lunches. I had them over for lunch and we exchanged stories about Isabella. It was so amazing to hear about all of the things that she did at school, stories that I would have otherwise never heard. It seems that my daughter was a little teachers pet, wanting to help set up for lunch and always listening when her name was called (which according to her teacher, the other children did not do).

Isabella and her teacher had a very special bond and her teacher felt very guilty after Isabella had passed. She felt like maybe she could have done more to prevent this from happening. I reassured her that there was nothing that she, I or the doctors could do. They brought me pictures of Isabella at school and I could not help but laugh and cry at the same time while I looked at them. I laughed because in every picture she had her mischievous little smile and I cried because I saw how happy she was there. In one picture she has this smile that is so full of love and happiness. That type of smile that only comes when you are experiencing such true joy. That same picture they have hung in a frame in the classroom, and it makes me happy that they have done that. The parents and the teachers at the school also did a fundraiser in her name and raised money for the Sick Kid's Hospital. This is a fundraiser that they will continue to do every year.

That visit meant so much to me because I was afraid that the people at her school would forget about her and that would just brake my heart. But instead they are honouring her life and I think that Isabella is smiling down at that thought. I know that when we were having our lunch she was right there with us listening and laughing as we exchanged stories.

We will never forget you my sweet angel.

Peek a boo!!

This video was taken by my cousin Alex whom Isabella loves!!! This is just a little peek at what a little Monkey Isabella is. She was always happy and wanted to make everyone around her happy. She did a great job at that. Hopefully this video will bring a smile to all of your faces as it does for me.

Marisa

You are not alone

This song has brought so much comfort to me over the last few weeks. I wanted to share it with everyone in hopes that it may bring you all some comfort.


Marisa

The big blue butterfly

The other day I had the most amazing experience with a butterfly. I have not seen very many butterflies this year. Although the ones that I have seen have always come at times of need, times when I needed comfort or a sign.

On Saturday I was going outside to wait for my sister, brother in law and my God daughter to come over for the afternoon. I walked to the area between our house and my neighbour/good friends house. I don't like calling them my neighbours because they have become more like family to us. They have been a constant source of support during the past months. The are between our houses is quite big so we designated it as our little piazza. It has a little table with chairs, flower pots, herb pots and tiki lights. We often sit there at night and have a coffee, beer, or just chat. Well on that particular Saturday a big blue butterfly came for a visit and was not scared of by me. It flew around my head, my arms, my shoulders and just kept circling me. I have never seen a butterfly that was so comfortable being so close to people. It stayed to welcome my sister and her family, and even posed for pictures. I have not seen the butterfly since. The beautiful part is that inside one of the flower pots in the piazza I placed a big blue butterfly and said that this is so Isabella is always here with us. I guess that Isabella wanted to make her presence known. She truly is the best! Thank you Bella, mommy loves you.

Send Me On My Way

On the hot and sticky day I am inside my air conditioned house and am listening to a C.D that my brother in law Charlie had made for Isabella's service. It is a C.D filled with Isabella's favourite songs. I can just imagine her dancing with a huge smile on her face saying, "Mommy what took you so long?" Believe me, I have tried to listen to this music before but have not been strong enough. I don'"t know if I am stronger or braver, but I am listening to her music in hopes that it brings her closer to me. Her favourite song that we used to dance to every night is the first song on the C.D and I never realised what the song was called until now. It is called, Send me on my way. I wonder if she knew all along that she was going to leave me and is she was using that song to try to prepare me for it. I almost hope that she knew that it was her time and that she was okay with it. I hope that she was ready to leave.

I went to the doctors today and my doctor is the same doctor that Isabella had. He is a lovely person and he was so good with her. All of the nurses at his office loved her and she knew it. The last time that we were there she was running behind the reception desks and trying to go through the receptionist purses and of course nobody minded. One nurse was particularly fond of Isabella and would always tickle her and play with her. As soon as this nurse saw me her face changed from normal to full of sadness. It was the look that I hate to receive from people. I know that she did not mean to do it and probably did not even realise that she did. I could tell what she was thinking. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or think poor her. I am the mother of a beautiful, loving and special girl and I would not change that for anything. Instead look at me and think, wow she is so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Even though her time here was not long enough for my liking, each moment was so special. So if you see me and are unsure what to say or what to do, please just be yourself and don't feel sorry for me.

Signs

Where have the last four months gone? It seems like yesterday that I came home from the hospital with empty arms, yet March 10th was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have not held Isabella in a lifetime, yet in reality this is only a taste of whats to come. I have been reading on many blogs that the second year is harder then the first and I cannot imagine it getting any harder. The sadness has not faded, the confusion is not gone and I am pretty certain that they never will be. The only difference in that now I do have little glimmers of hope. I hope that someday I will have more children, I hope that someday we will find a cure for Strep A and I hope that Isabella is watching me and is smiling. The only thing that I am certain about is that I will see my daughter again and that is the day that I am waiting for.

I had my first moment of forgetting this week and it took me by surprise. I was thinking of the First Halloween shirt and the Birthday shirt that Isabella wore. I was thinking of how nice it would be if I gave them to her future children as a memory of their mom. Then it hit me that Isabella will never get married or have children. It was as if I had not thought of that before and it was the first time that it hit me and I have to admit that it felt terrible.

We finally bought our couches and I know that Isabella loves them. Before we left to go couch shopping I invited Isabella to come with us and I asked her to show me a sign if she liked the couches. We found some that we liked and we thought that they would be out of our price range and miraculously they were a lot less expensive then we expected. Them when we went into the sales ladies office I saw an orange butterfly on her desk that looked similar to the ones that we placed in Isabella's flowers at the cemetery. There was my sign that Isabella was pleased. I look for these signs daily as take them as my daughter is letting me know that she is near.

I love you Bella

Strep A Fundraiser

I know that I have written about the supportive family and friends that I have but I do not think that that my words have done them justice. The reason that I am able to smile and not crumble to the floor is due to the love of all of our family and friends. I once read somewhere that we have angels walking among us and that they come in the image of the people that we meet throughout our lives. I have to say that I have many angels around me each and everyday and they are my family and friends.

As I write this I am so overwhelmed with appreciation and thanks for an event that took place in my daughters honour. Today was a family and friends picnic which was also a fundraiser to raise money for Strep A Research through Mount Sinai Hospital. I know that in one of my firsts posts I had written that I wanted to have a fundraiser/walk in Isabella's name. Through discussion with my husband we had come to the conclusion that this year we should experience all of our firsts without Isabella and not add any other stress for ourselves. I am definitely going to do a fundraiser but just not this year. My amazing family knew how important it was to me to raise awareness about this illness that they organised a fundraiser/picnic all on their own. They had a banner that had Bella's Butterfly kisses written on it, a cake with butterflies, purple (color of Strep A awareness) balloons released into the sky, blown up pictures of Isabella, games, prizes and approximately 150 people who attended.

I was so worried because I did not want people to feel pressured to donate money or support the cause but everyone who attended the event was so generous and did it because they wanted to. The event raised $2150,00 for research for Strep A. I can only imagine how this money is going to help other people. I pray that I will live to see a cure for this horrible disease. This event has gotten us that much closer to that outcome.

I did not attend today's event because I was just not ready. Instead I sent a letter that I had written stating my overwhelming appreciation to everyone who attended. I just wish that I could really let everyone know how thankful I am because words just do not seem like enough. My biggest fear was that Isabella was going to be forgotten by everyone but my close family but I have to say that today made it so obvious that she will always be present in every ones hearts and minds. I am sure that today Isabella was smiling down at all of the love that people have for her. Heaven was lit up with her smile and she is probably banging her chest saying, "I love you," I truly love you all and want you to know that I have a soft spot in my heart for all of you. I am so honoured to be part of such a fantastic family and group of friends. Thank you for honouring my princess and showing her how loved she is. I truly love you all.

It finally happened

It finally happened! My husband and I were looking for new couches and the salesman asked me if I had any children. I have been anticipating being asked this question and even practiced how I would respond. I surprised myself at how I was able to say that I had one child. He continued to inquire and asked me what the gender was and I replied a girl. I was thinking that it would end there I was satisfied with my answer. Then he continued and asked how old she was. This question always fumbles me because she would have been almost 21 months but when she passed she was 18 months. I was not ready to divulge my story of her passing to a sales man that I had just met so I stated that she is 18 months old. He still continued saying that they are a handful at that age. I wanted to shout, I wish that I was experiencing the handful that toddlers can be but instead I am sitting and wondering what it would be like. But instead, I just nodded and said yes they are.

I did it and I did not cry. I was able answer the many questions about my daughter and not allow it to ruin my day. Instead I found that I was so proud of her and I loved talking about her. The problem is that I love talking to her in present tense. In my heart she is still alive and that is how I want it to stay.

One of those days

I haven't posted in a while but have been trying to keep fairly busy. We celebrated my nieces first birthday on the weekend and I know that Isabella was with us in spirit. With Canada Day approaching, I am a little nervous about having another holiday without her here with us. I think that this year my husband and I will celebrate Canada Day just the two of us. Overall, I have been trying my best to stay strong and to remember all of the good memories.

This morning I felt like I was ready to watch one of Isabella's videos which has proven to be very difficult. It is a video that I took 2 weeks prior to her passing. It is a video of my mother chasing her up the hall trying to catch her to give her a bath. Isabella is running up and down the hall naked squealing with joy. It captures all of the excitement and wonder that she had in a 2 minute clip. Even typing this is hard because I think of that little voice and that uplifting spirit that was so present in everything that she did. Let's just say that I had a good cry this morning remembering and missing all of those precious moments.

Later in the morning my father in law called asking if I could take him to the hospital, the same hospital that I had brought Isabella to on March 10th. Thank goodness that my sister in law took him instead because I don't think that I am presently ready or will ever be ready to go to that hospital. I would not chance seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers that all came to help us or console us that day. Even though I know in my heart that they tried their best to save her, in the end I still had to return home without her. That day runs through my head like it was yesterday. All of the fear, sadness, confusion rushes back as if I am reliving the moment again and again. The funny thing is that I don't ever want to lose that moment even though it was so painful. I am not quite sure why but I want to always remember what I felt on that exact day.

Today is one of those days when I am going to open up my book and escape to a world that has no loss, no tears and no pain. I am going to make a warm drink, sit outside and read the day away and I am not going to feel guilty about having an unproductive day. I think that I deserve it!

A poem for Bella

Isabella's Poem
A ray of light
A soft summers breeze.
A sunset that brings me to my knees.

Tiny drops of rain
A bright blue sky.
The songs of birds as they fly high.

A sparkling star
The moon so bright.
The sweet smell in the air on a summers night.

Signs from above
I receive everyday.
You tell me, "Mommy, it's okay."

I close my eyes
And blow a kiss
Until we meet again
These signs I'll never dismiss.

I love you Bella

Isabella's Daddy

Tomorrow is Father's Day and I think that I am more anxious for Father's Day then I was for Mother's Day. I hurt for my husband and I know that tomorrow is going to be such a hard day for him. I don't want to See him in pain, if I could I would go through all of the pain for both of us. Much like I was on Mother's Day he has chosen that tomorrow will be treated like just another day. That is not to say that we are going to forget that we are parents, we are just not in the mood to celebrate without out precious girl.

Even though we are not celebrating F.D tomorrow, I still want the world to know about the two most amazing Father's in the world, my father and my husband. Firstly my father is amazing for many reasons but the one that I want to celebrate is the fact that he shared such a special relationship with my daughter Isabella. Isabella had Grandpa wrapped around her little finger. From the day that she was born Grandpa would melt at the sight of her. Grandpa would take her for walks around the pond and show her all of the swans. He would let her sleep on his lap or watch her favourite shows with her. Grandpa misses her so much and reads her a book every time that he visits her at the cemetery. Isabella loves her Grandpa.

Even though Isabella had so much love to give she did not love anyone more than she loved her Daddy/Papa. She would wait at the window every evening and shake with excitement every time that she would see Papa's car pull up the driveway. When Papa and Bella were together it was like nobody else was in the room. The patience that my husband had for Isabella was like no other. He never got frustrated, or upset with the sleepness nights, or early mornings. Instead he would cuddle and kiss her with all he had. Papa would read Isabella her favourite stories, take her for walks, sing her songs and teach her so many new things. He would tickle her, kiss her and cuddle her at every chance that he got. He would play with her in the bathtub and dance with her every night before bed. Daddy made sure that every night he was there to put Bella into her pajamas, read her the bible and say her prayers before bed. Even if he had to go out, he would make sure that he did not leave until all of that was done. Isabella was so proud of her daddy and was definitely a daddy's girl. When Mommy would pick her up from school, she would ask for Papa. I hope that my husband always remembers that Isabella loves him so much and that he is the true example of what a father should be.

Thank you to my father and to my husband for being so important not only to me but to my precious girl, Isabella

Time with my niece

My niece which is also my Goddaughter has brought me so much joy this week. She is turning one and she is such a little ham. She reminds me so much of what Isabella was like at her age. She was throwing things on the floor, she points at everything that she sees and loves to be in her stroller. She has the cutest little smile and her little giggle is so funny. I am so blessed that I have her around at this time. When Isabella first gained wings, I was afraid to spend time with my niece. I thought that being with her would make me feel worse, or that I was betraying Isabella by enjoying the company of another child. Yet, instead she makes me smile, laugh and even cry because I see so many similarities between her and Bella. I know that Isabella is not angry with me. Instead she is saying, Mommy what took you so long? Those who knew Isabella knew that she loved Mya from the day that Mya was born and that Isabella did not have a jealous streak in her body. She never would cry when I would hold other babies because Isabella babies too. She would have been such a great big sister as she was a fantastic big cousin. I always imagined her handing me diapers or bum cream, or helping me feed her future siblings. I wonder if Mya and Isabella`s future siblings will think of her as little and not older then them. They will always only see the little Isabella and it may be hard for them to refer to her as their big cousin or bog sister. It doesn`t matter how they rememebr her as long as they remember.

Isabella, the fact that you LIVED will never be forgotten.

Fifi and the Flowertots

Presently I am sitting outside in the front of the house with my computer and I see a bee on one of our trees. It makes me think of one of the shows that Isabella would watch called, Fifi and the Flowertots. It is a show about a nasty little bee who plays ricks on his flower friends. In all honesty, it was on at a time when she was usually sleeping on my lap and I had it on in the background. Yes, I liked the show too. I would leave it on so that if she woke up she would see it on the television and it would help to put her back to sleep.

I wonder if I will ever have one of those moments again. The moments when your daughter is sleeping on your lap and you say to yourself, I am truly blessed and I couldn't be happier. I hope that I have more moments like that in the future, I just wish that she was here to experience them with me.

Thinking of you always, Isabella.

Time

Friday marked three months since I have held Isabella. I cannot believe that it has been that long yet on the other hand it feels like an eternity. I sill think of her as my eighteen month old monkey, yet she would have been twenty one months old. In my mind she is still my little baby, and I think that no matter how many years go by that is what she will always be.

Sundays for me bring a wave of emotions. Sunday evenings are always difficult because I sit and think of the week that passed and all of the things that I did. Then I remember that I did them without my daughter Isabella at my side. I did not have to rush home for nap times, or prepare healthy snacks or change dirty bums. I did not have to prepare her bag for school, or sit and reread the same stories over and over. Instead I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted. I could watch t.v, read a book, go for a walk or even go shopping, all things that I once enjoyed doing. Yet now I don't want time to myself. I had years of time to myself and I was happy dedicating my time to being Isabella's mother. Even though I am still her mother and will always be her mother I am still left with all of this time. I now know how precious the time that we had together was and I am thankful that we took advantage of every second. I have learned that you can never get that time back and that nothing that you do in life should ever be a waste of time.