Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I am getting used to this good day bad day routine. I don't know if I subconsciously bring on the bad days or of they just come. Today I find myself diving into the what ifs today and the run down of what I could have done differently.

I am really testing my faith today. As a Catholic School Teacher I am used to discussing God with my students in instilling the Catholic faith in them. But now I find that my faith is being tested like never before. The hardest part for my is not having proof that Isabella is happy and living a life in heaven. The only thing that gets me through is the image of her smile living on and her spreading her love in heaven.

Today I asked myself if I could go back and never have had Isabella and not feel this pain would I do it. After thinking about It my answer is NO. I have the best daughter that I could have asked for and I enjoyed every minute that I had with her. I will live with the pain in order to hold onto the memories. People reading this may ask what kind of mother would ask themselves this question. My only answer is, a mother who is living through the pain of not being able to hold, love, protect her precious daughter.

I missed you today Bella!


michelle said...

No matter what are beliefs are I find that we still grieve in the same way. I'm athiest and have questioned my beliefs as well looking for answers, just today I went fishing on the internet to try and see if their was scientific proof of life after death. I have also asked myself that very same question about Jack and avoiding such loss. My answer was no as well. There was nothing more amazing than my time him. I think what we really question is who are we now? and how do we define our lives after this? We are not the same person as before and never will be.

Chris Coz said...

Marisa, you know that ultimately, faith comes down to what you believe. As a practicing Catholic, I have struggled to make sense of this. I believe your little monkey is in the comforting arms of our Blessed Mother because it's what I believe. I can't see it so, for me, my belief has to be enough. Her baptism guaranteed her eternal life in Heaven because of the joy of Christ's resurrection. I think it's difficult to digest in the context of our real life because more times than not, we often face the loss of a loved one who is much older or who has been ill and we can more easily accept that "it was time" or "he/she was suffering". Bella's life doesn't really fit either and it can be just as confusing for those of us who thought our faith was pretty solid. I tell you, there's nothing quite like this to really shake it up. Losing both of my pregnancies calls my faith into question on a daily basis, but not in the same way as losing Bella.

Part of strengthening one's faith is in seeking it out and turning to it in tangible ways so that you can begin to make sense of this. The Old Testament is full of stories of remarkable women who lost children and their faith got them through. It's a process. Ever feel like going to Church one day? I'll gladly go with you. Feel like saying a Rosary? Me and my beads will be there right along side you and yours. Sometimes it feels as though our prayers are falling on deaf ears. They're not. Sometimes they are answered in such a way that our physical eyes can't see. Give yourself time to work this out. If that means that from time to time you get the urge to yell and scream any and all obscenities at God, go for it! His shoulders are big enough to take it. He knows what's on your heart so give your burden and anger away to him so that he can carry it for you. It's too heavy to bear alone.

Love and hugs,


I think it is totally normal for you to question your faith, I did, something terrible has happen and sorta shakes up everything you believe in.

I was asked that same question back when my son first died, if I could spare my feelings and my families would I have still had him, at first I thought NO I wouldn't want to go through this pain BUT then decided that having him for 4 months was WORTH the amount of pain I am feeling now. I wouldn't want a life without him in it...even if he was here only but for a short time.


BellaSteph said...

I hope you don't mind I followed you over to your blog. I seen you comment on other ones. I lost my son Gavin when he was a little over a month old. I am approaching a year since he died.

I want to tell you how beautiful your daughter is. Losing a child is the ultimate test of faith. After my son died I thought how could God do this to me? I had to come to the realization that God does not play us like chess pieces and he does not just take our children away from us. I still am struggling with why he didn't save him though. Or why I can't get a sign that he is being taken
care of. As far as the good/bad days you are not causing the bad ones. Grief overcomes us out of no where, it comes in waves. Also questioning different scenarios is normal and doesn't make you a bad mother.

It's very hard to think that our children died and we couldn't stop it. I struggle with that everyday. I just wanted to say I am sorry that you have lost your beautiful Isabella. Take Care.

michelle said...

My post was lost when the site went down the other day. Yours on paige was lost too. I think it was about how we all struggle with our beliefs even when they are different from each others.

Susan said...

Well, I have to say that I'm still feeling angry with God. I stopped going to church a few months after C died - mostly because I found other people's behaviour hard to stomach. My husband on the other hand, was an irregular attender before C died, but has since found another church and goes several times a week, and has started studying theology.

Big hug to you - I suppose what I'm trying to say is, it's a big test of faith - allow yourself to work through it. I think we will all find our way in the end. xx

Geves said...

I remember thinking the same as you, asking myself whether I would give up my time with Juliette for a release from the terrible pain, and my answer was the same as yours. I felt so blessed with my daughter, as you do with Bella. I had her for a whole lifetime - just it wasn't my lifetime, it was hers. x