Tuesday, May 10, 2011

2 Months

Today is May 10, and this day marks 2 months since I have held my Isabella. I am finding that I am counting the days more. I am not sure if it helps me or makes me feel worse. Usually at this time of the year I am counting down the days until my aunt opens up her pool or until Canada's Wonderland opens, but now I count the days since I have been with Bella.

I started knitting again, after I had taken a little hiatus. Yesterday I sat out in the sun and knit for hours. I can say that for a long time I feared the sun but yesterday I actually enjoyed it. Since Isabella has passed I have knitted 3 scarves, unfortunately that is the only item that I have mastered. I did make Bella a blanket while I was pregnant with her and convinced that I was carrying a boy I made it green. This past winter I was planning on making her a pink scarf but was afraid that it was a strangling device and dangerous for such a young age. I had the pink yarn ready to make her for next winter when she was a little older. Knitting has brought me some comfort and I cannot explain why. I don't know if it is the repetitive motion, the ability to do an activity without thinking or the fact that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I see the final product.

Thank you Isabella for giving me the strength to get through the past two months.


Chris M said...

Glad to hear you're enjoying the nice weather Marisa. Hopefully it continues...

Jenny said...

Dear Marisa you have to remember that I'm over a year out where you are only 2 months out. When I was at that time every little speck of happiness that creeped up on me immediately threw me back into despair. Grief, the guilt, how dare I dishonor her by smiling, by living.
I too had the countdown and now if you hadn't told me it was the 10th, I wouldn't have even noticed. I have one more bit time milestone coming up. The one where she has officially been dead longer than she was alive. I believe its in September, her birthday month, and the month I'm supposed to deliver now.

You have to do what you have to do. You have to feel what you have to feel. I can't even read what I wrote those first few months after she died. I'm not far enough that I can reread that pain that grief that was so new, so raw.
I'm thinking of you.

It does get better, never the missing, not the pain, but learning to live again, learning to smile and enjoy life again. That gets better, easier.

Jenny said...

oh ya you have a typo... You said today is March 10 lol.

Angie said...

Hi Marisa,
If knitting is your thing right now then you go girl. Can I put in an order for a scarf please ? I've seen your finished work and I love it !!

So glad to hear that you've been outside enjoying the sunshine. When the sun is shining it makes me think that Isabella is smiling down at us. I want you to know that I have found a beautiful angel bell to hang in my backyard in memory of our precious Isabella. Her love surrounds us everywhere. I hope Isabella gives you the strength to come over and see it one day soon.

Wonderful to hear that she came to you in your dreams a few days ago. She knew her mommy needed her.

Love you always,

Lucy said...

I can hardly believe that it has been 2 months since Isabella got her wings. In one sense it feels like just yesterday that I was singing "Skinnamerinky Dinky Dink" to her, while she tried to show me the actions. On the other hand it feels like a much longer time since we were last together. Either way, she is close to us, always in our minds and hearts.
I'm glad you are knitting again. Your scarves are beautiful and I feel very lucky to have one made especially by you. If knitting helps, then knit away.
Love you, Frank and sweet Bella so very much.

Susan said...

One day at a time - that's all you need to do. Two months was the point my husband went back to work - I was still sitting at home looking for comfort... I seem to remember I started making wreaths at about that point, and taking of bundles of flowers to her grave. Whatever gives you comfort is the right thing to do xx

michelle said...

Two months and 7 days for me as well. I count the days, the hours, the minutes. One breath at time for now -for me. My husband has since gone back to work and I am at home without family or friends as we moved here just before Jack was born. Too let you know with your blog you have already accomplished so much.


Glad that you found something that helps take your mind off of things for a bit, I have found that when I am busy...I am not as depressed or stuck in my "hole."

She was just a beautiful little girl!