Beautiful Smile

When I think back to Isabella's short time here with us, I think of all of the many things that she had to go through. She was born with Hip Dysplasia, which basically means that her hips were dislocated and underdeveloped. This was detected at birth and is common in first born female children.

From 6 weeks on Isabella was in and out of the hospital for ultrasounds and x-rays to determine if her condition was improving or not. This included waking her up out of her sleep and bringing her to the hospital for early appointments. In true Isabella fashion, she did it with a smile. I cannot believe how brave and cooperative she was through all of that commotion. I am so proud of her. As if that wasn't enough, she had to wear a harness, which restricted her leg and hip movement. She had to wear the harness for 23 hours a day for the first nine months of her life. Basically she was only able to kick her legs in the bathtub or during diaper changes. Once again, she went through this with a huge smile on her face.

Isabella always had that beautiful smile on her face. She loved life, loved her family and never complained or fussed no matter what was thrown at her. I am trying to learn from her example and to trust that everything will be okay. Isabella, you are who I aspire to be like. Mommy has never been more proud of you. You are my best friend and for that I am truly blessed.

Missing you always!

I miss you

Isabella, I miss you everyday but today I realise that my missing you is a permanent part of my day. I need a hug today more then ever. Not an ordinary hug, but a Bella hug. The hug where you hold on so tight and nestle your head in my neck. The type of hug where your legs are wrapped around my waist. The hug that is accompanied by the word, Mama. The type of hug that only you can give. I miss your smile, your dancing, your kisses through the window, and especially you hugs. I MISS YOU!!!!!

I wonder.......

As I sit here now and write this entry I can't help to think that Isabella would have been 20 months old today. I wonder how much taller she would have been or how long her hair would have gotten. I wonder if her hair would have been even curlier or if I finally would have been able to tell if her eyes were green or hazel. I wonder if she finally would have grown an appreciation for potatoes or if she would have continued with her eggs and avocado streak. I wonder what new words she would have learned and what other crafts she would have made at school. I wonder if we would still sit through the Wiggles movie or if we would sit through another favourite show. I wonder how she would have looked in all of the summer clothes that I had bought her and the floppy hat that has been sitting in her closet because it has been to big to wear. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder........ My day is full if wondering and wishing that I did not have to wonder.

Happy 20 month birthday Isabella. I love you and think of you every day.

Working Through Grief

Thank you to all of my visitors today, my sister, my aunt and cousin and my mother. Having family around makes the minutes go by much faster. It also helps that they brought food and dessert. Sitting around and being able to talk about Isabella with people that love her is so important to me.

Tonight I attended a workshop on Grief and Working Through It, presented by Alan D. Wolfelt. I have to say that I initially did not want to go but with the persuasion of my mother decided to attend. I attended with my mother, my husband and a dear friend who has also experienced loss in her life. It was weird sitting in an auditorium with a bunch of people and wondering what their story was. Who had they lost that had brought them to this place? It is also comforting to be reminded that everything that I am feeling is normal and that I will eventually come to a point where I will live again. First I need to properly grieve, mourn, and allow myself as much time as I need to do so. I was reminded that the I cannot skirt the outsides of grief but only to journey through it. If anyone has the opportunity to attend one of his workshops, I would suggest doing so. It is beneficial not only for people who have experienced loss but also for people who want to properly support people who have had a loss.

Isabella, I will grieve you, mourn you and cry for you. I will never stop talking to you, loving you and praying for Mother Mary to protect you. You are now and will always be my daughter and for that I am truly blessed.

Rain, rain, go away!

Rain, rain go away! I used to love the rain because it expressed my feeling inside and because I knew that Isabella and I would not be outside running around. But I have to say that this rain is doing nothing for me. It is depressing and it stops me from going outside when I need a change of scenery or to escape the dry air in the house. Yesterday in between rain showers, my husband and I grabbed some umbrellas and took a walk. To my surprise, we ended up at my in-laws house. This is a big deal since that is the only house that I have been to since Bella has passed. We were able to put smiles on my in-laws faces because the visit was so unexpected.


My crying is turning to anxiety and a constant knot in my stomach. I almost prefer the crying because after a good cry I have a few minutes of peace. With anxiety there is no escape, it is always there lingering. I hope that this will pass too.

I miss my little monkey with all my heart and wish that she was here so that we can watch The Wiggles as she lies on my lap. I love you Princess.

Faith

I am getting used to this good day bad day routine. I don't know if I subconsciously bring on the bad days or of they just come. Today I find myself diving into the what ifs today and the run down of what I could have done differently.

I am really testing my faith today. As a Catholic School Teacher I am used to discussing God with my students in instilling the Catholic faith in them. But now I find that my faith is being tested like never before. The hardest part for my is not having proof that Isabella is happy and living a life in heaven. The only thing that gets me through is the image of her smile living on and her spreading her love in heaven.

Today I asked myself if I could go back and never have had Isabella and not feel this pain would I do it. After thinking about It my answer is NO. I have the best daughter that I could have asked for and I enjoyed every minute that I had with her. I will live with the pain in order to hold onto the memories. People reading this may ask what kind of mother would ask themselves this question. My only answer is, a mother who is living through the pain of not being able to hold, love, protect her precious daughter.

I missed you today Bella!

2 Months

Today is May 10, and this day marks 2 months since I have held my Isabella. I am finding that I am counting the days more. I am not sure if it helps me or makes me feel worse. Usually at this time of the year I am counting down the days until my aunt opens up her pool or until Canada's Wonderland opens, but now I count the days since I have been with Bella.

I started knitting again, after I had taken a little hiatus. Yesterday I sat out in the sun and knit for hours. I can say that for a long time I feared the sun but yesterday I actually enjoyed it. Since Isabella has passed I have knitted 3 scarves, unfortunately that is the only item that I have mastered. I did make Bella a blanket while I was pregnant with her and convinced that I was carrying a boy I made it green. This past winter I was planning on making her a pink scarf but was afraid that it was a strangling device and dangerous for such a young age. I had the pink yarn ready to make her for next winter when she was a little older. Knitting has brought me some comfort and I cannot explain why. I don't know if it is the repetitive motion, the ability to do an activity without thinking or the fact that I feel a sense of accomplishment when I see the final product.

Thank you Isabella for giving me the strength to get through the past two months.

My Mother's Day visit

Mother's Day has come and gone and I am still standing. Mother's Day was not acknowledged in my house as per my request, even though, I am a mother to a beautiful little girl Isabella. I could not wrap my head around celebrating this day without her. I have to say that MD was not any harder then any other day. I still woke up knowing that she was not there and went through the day trying to fill the time. The only thing that was different was that I could tell you exactly what I was doing last year on that day. I was out for brunch with my husband, Bella, my mother and father and my sister who was pregnant at the time and her husband. Reliving that fantastic memory is what made it hard.

While I was pregnant with Isabella, she kicked the first time on Mothers Day. She made that day so special with one little kick. I knew that she would come to me in my dream that MD morning because she knows that is was a special day. I woke up at 8:00am on MD and was sad that she had not visited me, so I went downstairs to lie on the couch. I fell back asleep and then it happened, she came for a visit. I dreamt that I went into her room and she was in her crib. I picked her up and knowing that she was not here to stay I held her tight. We rocked on the rocking chair and I loved every second of it. She slept on my lap as she always did and I ran my hands through her hair. I got to do what I miss most, which is hold her tight. That was the best Mother's Day gift that I could have ever received. Isabella always knows what I need and that is a gift that she received from above. For a little child she had the wisdom and compassion of an angel.

Never Forgotten

I spent a nice day with family today and had a chance to discuss with my grandmother the fact that her mother had lost 7 sons between the ages of 1 month and 18 months. My heart broke when I heard this for many reasons. I was saddened that I never knew about this, saddened that my great grandmother had to endure so much loss, and even more saddened that in those times this was so common for families to go through. I asked my grandmother if they ever talked about her siblings that had passed ans she said that they did not. I began to cry for my grandmother and her sisters who know nothing about the brothers that they have. They don't know the way they looked or the silly things that they did. I expressed to my grandmother how sad I was because that is the complete opposite that I want in my future. I want any future children that I have to know that they have a big sister named Isabella. I want them to know that she had the most beautiful eyes, smiles and curls. I want them to know that she a sense of humour and that she is loving them from heaven. I want to show them pictures and videos and read them the stories that she loved. I want them to feel close to Isabella and to love her as much as we do. Isabella will always be an important part of my family. She is my monkey and my future monkeys will always know that their big sister loves them and watches over them every day. Your are my first child Isabella and nobody will ever take your place in my hear.

A Good Day!

I have to say that after rereading my last blog that was written, I felt a little bad. I hope that nobody feels bad about anything said but maybe will reconsider saying it in the future. I have to say that I have an amazing support system of people that love Isabella.

Today Frank and I had an appointment to go to and ended out being our of the house longer then expected. To my surprise we actually ventured our to a public place where there was a good chance that I would come in contact with young families with young children. Any guesses? We ventured to Swiss Chalet. We have taken Isabella to that exact Swiss Chalet a few months prior because they were having there all you can eat french fries special. I have to admit that being out at a restaurant without her felt weird. Even though we ate out regularly, we always had her with us. She loved being at restaurants because she could talk to the waiters and waitresses. She was such a social person that she would say hi to any person that she saw. I could just picture her sitting in her high chair and munching on chicken and fries and waving to all of the people that walked by. I have to say that I am so proud of both Frank and I for attempting to do something that was very scary. I know that she would be proud of us too.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to refer to Isabella as dead, gone or as a loss. I am going to refer to her as my daughter who is living in her new house in heaven. I am going to think of her as living, except she is living and experiencing things that I cannot even imagine. So when someone asks if I have children, my answer is yes. I have a beautiful daughter and her name is Isabella Grace and she is living with Jesus and the Angels. They are watching over her for me until it is our time to be together again.

I guess that based on the way I feel right now, today was a good day. Love you Princess.