Monday, January 30, 2012

The New Me

Everyone who has lost a child or someone close to them knows that you are never that same person that you once were.  I am still trying to figure out the person that I now am.  I used to love huge gatherings, loud parties with family and friends, staying up late or spending a whole day shopping.  I still do like seeing family and friends, except now I prefer smaller gatherings.  The loud gatherings that I had once enjoyed, now only bring me agitation and discomfort.  I don't find joy in buying purses and jackets as I once did.  What brings me joy now is sitting at home as my husband rubs my feet as we watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  But my good days now will never be as good as they once were.  I am not able to get as excited as I used to.  It is as if my excitement get stuck inside of me and is unable to come out.  I wonder if people take my reactions to good news as me being uninterested, or if they can truly see that I am happy for them.  So many people in my life have amazing things happening to them and I am truly happy for them all.  I just hope that people can see that even though my reactions have changed, my heart has not.


Susan said...

It's still early days. I think it's very positive that there is anything you can enjoy. I wouldn't worry too much about how others interpret your behaviour. Your daughter has just died - if they can't understand supporting you in your terrible grief is the most important thing, then they aren't worth knowing. Your job for now is to put one foot in front of the other and breathe x

michelle said...

I get that no excitment thing, I used to get excited almost like a child when it came to doing my favorite things,or hearing good news, now there is no looking forward to anything, I may enjoy still doing those things but the build up- it is gone- like my inner child dissapeared.

Ashley said...

I'm the same way. Things I use to enjoy are harder for me at times. I don't want to be this new person but at the same time I have no choice. Thinking of you.

Nadia said...

It's understandable that you now do not look at anything the same way as you once did. Life has changed and you can't possibly be the same. It's as though our old lives are a blur and this new person in this new life can't imagine how to function without happiness, or without the joy our children gave us. I feel the same way you do.

Angie said...

We love you just the way you are. Don't stress about what people think or don't think. For those of us who have not walked in your shoes we don't have the right to judge what you do or don't say. We have no clue what you're having to deal with everyday. We can only be here for you for the support and the love that you need right now.

The new you is the old you trying to get used to a new life. You are still the beautiful, loving, caring person you have always been. Remember that we love you with all our hearts.