Saturday, January 7, 2012

Peaks and Valleys

The past week has been a hard one.  You read about how grief has peeks and valleys but until you experience one of those peeks you do not fully understand.  Even though everyday I feel grief, the past week I have experienced similar grief to that that I experienced in the early months of Bella's passing.  I just miss Bella so much and some days all I want to do is stay in bed and close my eyes.  I have been dreaming of Bella lately and each time I wake up it is as if I have been punched in the stomach.  I get that intense pain at the realisation that it was just a dream. 

Everywhere I look I see children that would be the same age that Isabella would have been.  Just last night we went for dinner with my sister and my brother in law and at the table right beside us was a little boy who was turning two and blowing out his birthday candles.  Of course, my judgmental side came out.  I wondered why a 2 year old was out at 10:00pm at night.  I wondered why the parents of that boy were ignoring him as they drank their wine.  I wondered why the parents were to busy to notice that the boy was tired as he demonstrated tired behaviour such as wining and rubbing his eyes.  I wondered most of all, why they were given the opportunity to celebrate their child's 2nd birthday and I was not given that same luxury.  I hate being judgemental but at that moment that is all I could do.  I am sure that the boys parents are lovely people and maybe the child had a late afternoon nap so that he could stay up later that night.  I am just so envious of that moment that they hand with their child.

I am back at work on Monday and I hope to see an improvement in my attitude.  I guess that being home all day gives me to much time to think and feel sorry for myself.  I hope that being back at work will distract me, even if only for a little bit. 

Even though grief is a lifelong thing, I am hoping that I will see more valleys in the future and will gain more courage and strength to get through all of the upcoming peaks.


Jenny said...

I'm jealous you dream of her lol. How sad is that :(
I hope being at work helps keep you busy. I desperately wanted to work after she was gone but nobody would freaking hire me.
Thinking of you my friend :)

Ashley said...

I wish I dreamed of my son, never have :(

Hoping that things get better for you, I hate the ups and downs, I never know who things will effect me. ((Hugs))

marisa said...

Dreaming of Isabella is wonderful, until I wake up and realise that I was just dreaming. I hope that the both of you will deam of your little ones and that is will bring you some peace.


michelle said...

I dont dream of Jack either, I wish I did.I only have nightmares in which I dont get to see him because he is in surgery or they are working on him. The peaks and valleys are so weird , up one day and down the next. It doesnt help that I feel so let down every month after realzing our baby making has yet again been a failure. I hope you have a good time at work and more valleys come your way. xo