Saturday, January 21, 2012


I read a quote today and I thought that I would share it with everyone.  It is about forgiveness.  "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed".  This quote struck home with me.  I think that I need to forgive myself for so many things.  Firstly, not being able to prevent Isabella's death.  I need to forgive myself for trusting the doctors that she would be okay.  I need to forgive myself for not being home to out her to sleep the last night that she was alive.  There are so many things that I need to forgive myself for.  I know deep in my heart that I was the best mother that I could have been.  Isabella was and still is my world.  Everything that I did revolved around her happiness.  Yet, the only things that I can concentrate on are the things that I would have done differently.

Why is it so much easier to forgive other people over forgiving yourself?  I forgive the doctors for not taking her illness more seriously.  I forgive God for taking my baby girl so soon.  I have forgiven them long ago, yet I just cannot forgive myself. 

I definitely am not ready to give up hope that the past can be changed.  I guess that part of me still believes that tomorrow I will wake up and this will all be a dream. 

I love you and miss you sweet girl.


michelle said...

Wow that is all so true, the one person that I havent forgiven is myself. I go over all the time all the the choices I made and for being so trusting in the doctors, things I always wonder would have changed the outcome. I often feel even if its irrational that I am not ready to give up hope that I can change the past. Maybe its a defence mechanism that keeps up funtioning for the present and the future. After all thats happened I am still hardest on myself for it. I hope someday we will be able to get past this and stop beating ourselves up over it as that is not what our children would have wanted. I know Isabella would be so proud of you and that you were and are a fantastic Mommy.xo

lucy said...

You have taught me that grief has many layers and I know that whatever you are feeling is important and real. It just saddens me that you are so hard on yourself. You have been and always will be an amazing mother. You have always made the most well thought out and loving decisions for Isabella. She was loved and very happy, and she still is.
I hope that someday, you can free yourself of the feelings you have.
Maybe in time you will realize what Bella and the rest of us already know. You will always be the most loving and dedicated mother. I know for a fact that Bella is so proud that she has you and Frank as parents. You make her proud each and every day.

Susan said...

I guess it comes down to this: it was our job to keep them safe. The buck stopped with us and we failed. Who cares about excuses.

We were the best mothers we could be. We didn't deserve this and nor did our girls. Sometimes life is unfair xx

Nadia said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with the guilt. One of the hardest lessons I learned so far through this journey of pain is the lack of control that we have in our children's lives. I thought as parents we had some sense control in keeping them safe but that's not the way it turned out. Just remember nothing we could have done would of changed the wasn't in our hands to decide. Isabella knows how much you would want her here if you could make it happen....she knows how much you love her. Try to be gentle with yourself when you have those thoughts.....I know I should be taking my own advice.

Ashley said...

I am not ready to give up hope yet either :( I feel your pain. I so badly want things to be different, I struggle with this daily.

Patricia said...

Wow. You amaze me on a daily basis but this post is reminding me again how advanced you are in the evolution of YOUR soul! What a major breakthrough! And what an inspiration and reminder of a very profound lesson for us all - to forgive ourselves, which not only frees us, but frees our loved ones in heaven too.

Thank you for continuing to write this blog because your ripple effect is truly amazing and growing every day. Isabella is extremely proud of her mommy.