Thursday, February 9, 2012


The dreaded March 10th is one month from tomorrow.  I cannot believe that it has almost been 1 year since the worst day of my life.  Where has the year gone? We are having a 1 year mass at our church for Isabella on the 1 year anniversary of her passing.  I do not like to use the word dead, or death.  It hurts me to use that word in the same sentence as my precious girl.  Even though passing means the same thing, it does not stir up as much emotion as the other.

This past year has brought so many lows that it is hard to count.  Yet no low can compare to the ones that I felt at the beginning of our loss.  That sense of hopelessness and lack of reason to live.  I would pray and pray that God made a mistake and that he was to take me instead.   The  hate for myself for not preventing this and the anger at God for making this happen.  It was a dark place that I never saw myself getting out of.

I can say now that I do have days where I catch myself laughing.  Usually it is at my husband for doing something silly.  I even have moments where I am able to find beauty in something, such as the moon or the stars.   I am not fully out of the dark and I am far from being "better".  I don't think that "better" will ever come.  But for today I have hope that the future will bring joy for us.  Hopefully this hope will last until tomorrow because with each day brings different emotions.

I will stick with hope for today.

Sweet dreams Little Monkey


Lucy said...

Feel whatever it is that you need to feel. I'm glad that toady it is hopefulness. We are all here for you, anytime, anyplace for whatever you and Frank may need.
We love you all so much, especially sweet, curly haired Bella.

BellaSteph said...

If you read my post as I approached a year it was very similar to this. The beginning stages of loss are the most helpless ones. You don't know what you are supposed to do now. Or if you even have a purpose anymore.

Once you get closer to the year mark you realize you are able to breathe a little bit again. The pain is still always there but you get a break every now and again.

I will be thinking of you and sweet Bella as March approaches. Take care.

michelle said...

It will almost be that time for us as well as we lost Jack Mar 3rd. I rarely mention those other words and always stick to the term "passed away". Those others words just have such a finality to them.

I do find myself laughing now, but I dont see the beauty in anything yet unfornately whenever I see something beautiful it is blindsided by the images of Jack in the hospital, the tubes , the surgery incisions, the face well those things haunt me still. I think they always will. One thing that overides those images for me and has really helped is picturing Jack and Isabella together. They play, they fight lol, they keep each other company and mostly she keeps Jack warm in her embrace.

The rollercoaster of emotions is always different from one day to the next, I will also never be better but I have come to accept that that is just how it will be now although I do hope that as time goes on it will become a little easier to handle.

I am always thinking of you and Isabella. xo

Nadia said...

I know you've heard it all before but all we can do it take day by day, one step at a time. Some days bring some glimmer of hope others seem so miserable. Sometimes I'm at such a loss for words to describe this up and down rocky ride we're on. I just pray that you find the strength to keep hoping. This is a difficult time as you approach the date, I can't say things really get any easier after the one year mark. Time doesn't really stop us from reliving it all. My thoughts are with you and Frank and of course Isabella. xo