The New Me

Everyone who has lost a child or someone close to them knows that you are never that same person that you once were.  I am still trying to figure out the person that I now am.  I used to love huge gatherings, loud parties with family and friends, staying up late or spending a whole day shopping.  I still do like seeing family and friends, except now I prefer smaller gatherings.  The loud gatherings that I had once enjoyed, now only bring me agitation and discomfort.  I don't find joy in buying purses and jackets as I once did.  What brings me joy now is sitting at home as my husband rubs my feet as we watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory. 

Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  But my good days now will never be as good as they once were.  I am not able to get as excited as I used to.  It is as if my excitement get stuck inside of me and is unable to come out.  I wonder if people take my reactions to good news as me being uninterested, or if they can truly see that I am happy for them.  So many people in my life have amazing things happening to them and I am truly happy for them all.  I just hope that people can see that even though my reactions have changed, my heart has not.

Messages

Today at school one of my students who regularly makes me pictures or crafts brought in a picture that she had made for me at home.  The picture was in the shape of a house and it was all decorated with ribbons.  In the centre of the house she had glued on a card that was from Mount Sinai Hospital.  Mount Sinai is the hospital where many of our donations go to because there is a doctor there who specialises in Infectious Disease, one of them being the Strep A virus.  In the summer my family had a picnic and raised money for Strep A research.  I kept looking at the picture and was amazed that there was a Mount Sinai card right in the centre of it.

I wonder if that is a sign that all of the efforts that my family, friends and I are doing at donating to Mount Sinai is being acknowledged and appreciated from above.  Maybe Bella is saying, "Mommy I know that you are trying to make a difference".  Or I wonder if it is just me trying to pull some kind of meaning from every little thing that happens.

All that I know is that I am constantly searching for some message to show me that she sees and knows all that we are doing.  I want some form of confirmation that she is right beside me even though I cannot see her or hear her. 

I miss you monkey and look forward to the day that I can hold you again.

Mommy

Forgiveness

I read a quote today and I thought that I would share it with everyone.  It is about forgiveness.  "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed".  This quote struck home with me.  I think that I need to forgive myself for so many things.  Firstly, not being able to prevent Isabella's death.  I need to forgive myself for trusting the doctors that she would be okay.  I need to forgive myself for not being home to out her to sleep the last night that she was alive.  There are so many things that I need to forgive myself for.  I know deep in my heart that I was the best mother that I could have been.  Isabella was and still is my world.  Everything that I did revolved around her happiness.  Yet, the only things that I can concentrate on are the things that I would have done differently.

Why is it so much easier to forgive other people over forgiving yourself?  I forgive the doctors for not taking her illness more seriously.  I forgive God for taking my baby girl so soon.  I have forgiven them long ago, yet I just cannot forgive myself. 

I definitely am not ready to give up hope that the past can be changed.  I guess that part of me still believes that tomorrow I will wake up and this will all be a dream. 

I love you and miss you sweet girl.

Hope and Courage

I have been doing lots of writing about my ups and downs lately.  Unfortunately, as I look back at my most recent posts, I can see that I have been experiencing more downs then ups. The past few days have surprised me and brought me some hope and courage.  There is no reason why that I can think of to be feeling like this.  The weather is still dark and wet, the days still feel super long and Bella is still not here is body. 

I am presently trying to concentrate on what I do have versus what I don't.  I have an amazing husband whom I love very much.  Isabella inherited his quizzical look, his soft voice and his gentle demeanor.  I look at him and I can see her looking back at me.  Some days it is so hard to see any good in the world, but the past few days given me little glimpses of light.   Each morning I am trying to set my intention for the day as I tell myself that today I will be strong, today I will have a good day.  Some days that works, others not so much.

Someone told me early on in my grief that my job is just to put one foot in front of the other.  That is all that I can do right now.  I am sure that some days I will fall but I have to just try and get back up again.

Today, I hope for us all to have a little hope and a lot of courage.

Marisa 

Will she remember?

They say that children are resilient at a young age.  I heard  that if they experience trauma, such as losing a parent they recover more quickly then adults.  Unfortunately sometimes at a very young age memories fade more quickly.  That is my worry with Bella.  I know that I am not as resilient at this age.  I will not recover as easily as she would if I would have passed. 

I wonder if in heaven she will remember all of the memories that we had.  Will she remember her first time on a sled or our day at the pumpkin patch? Will she remember out nightly dances or our hide and seek games?  My fear is that her memories of me will fade and when I do finally meat up with her again, that she will not remember.

I know that it is totally silly, yet it is still something that I wonder and truly fear.

Miss you monkey,

Mommy

Ten Months...

Ten months of missing you.
Ten months of wondering why.
Ten months of asking why me?
Ten months of asking what I could have done differently.
Ten months of imaging what you would look like now.
Ten months of crying myself to sleep.
Ten months of overwhelming sadness.
Ten months of overwhelming guilt.
Ten months of begging God to erase what has already been done.
Ten months without you in my arms.

Isabella, I miss you more then I ever thought humanly possible.  You are all that I ever needed in this world. Our family will never be the same without you.

I love you!

Peaks and Valleys

The past week has been a hard one.  You read about how grief has peeks and valleys but until you experience one of those peeks you do not fully understand.  Even though everyday I feel grief, the past week I have experienced similar grief to that that I experienced in the early months of Bella's passing.  I just miss Bella so much and some days all I want to do is stay in bed and close my eyes.  I have been dreaming of Bella lately and each time I wake up it is as if I have been punched in the stomach.  I get that intense pain at the realisation that it was just a dream. 


Everywhere I look I see children that would be the same age that Isabella would have been.  Just last night we went for dinner with my sister and my brother in law and at the table right beside us was a little boy who was turning two and blowing out his birthday candles.  Of course, my judgmental side came out.  I wondered why a 2 year old was out at 10:00pm at night.  I wondered why the parents of that boy were ignoring him as they drank their wine.  I wondered why the parents were to busy to notice that the boy was tired as he demonstrated tired behaviour such as wining and rubbing his eyes.  I wondered most of all, why they were given the opportunity to celebrate their child's 2nd birthday and I was not given that same luxury.  I hate being judgemental but at that moment that is all I could do.  I am sure that the boys parents are lovely people and maybe the child had a late afternoon nap so that he could stay up later that night.  I am just so envious of that moment that they hand with their child.


I am back at work on Monday and I hope to see an improvement in my attitude.  I guess that being home all day gives me to much time to think and feel sorry for myself.  I hope that being back at work will distract me, even if only for a little bit. 


Even though grief is a lifelong thing, I am hoping that I will see more valleys in the future and will gain more courage and strength to get through all of the upcoming peaks.

All the Best in 2012

It is a new month, in new year and with this brings mixed emotions. I have to say that I am surprised that I have made it through 2012 and am still standing. When I think back to the morning of March 11th and the way my life had no purpose or meaning, it amazes me that I did not give up on life for good.

I can't help but hope that maybe this year will bring positive things to our life. Yet, I am still sad that 2011 is over. I can say that for three months of 2011, I was raising my healthy happy girl. Even though 9 months of that year was horrible, January, February and March make up for it. Isabella existed in 2011, she was alive and healthy. I cannot say the same for 2012 and that makes me sad.

I wonder what this year will bring for me and my family. I hope that there is no more tragedy and pain. No more sadness and grief. Instead I wish for love, strength and hope.

All the best to all in 2012.