Birthday Girl

Four days ago was my little princesses 4th birthday. I expected this day to be hard but I never expected to react the way I did. It was such a hard day, even harder then last year. As her age gets bigger it is like a knife in the heart at the thought that she only got to celebrate one birthday here on earth. She only got to taste one of her homemade birthday cakes. The age of four is when children begin to truly appreciate and understand what their birthday represents. They assist in the planning of their party and help make their birthday cake. They rip into those birthday presents so excited anticipating what is inside. I feel ripped off and even more I feel like she was ripped off. I feel like she was introduced to this wonderful world and all of the people who love her only to be taken away so quickly. This year her birthday brought me anger, sadness and lots and lots of crankiness. I dragged my feet though the day trying to make it special. We went for breakfast because Isabella loved her eggs, we brought her balloons and released one into the air. I made her cupcakes with little flowers on top. But nothing was enough. She deserves the best and I feel like I did not give her that. Yet on the other hand I know that the breakfast, the balloons, and the cupcakes were in an attempt to make me feel better about the situation because where she is she does not feel sadness and is happy with whatever we do. Isabella I hope that the angels sang you Happy Birthday and that all of the balloons released in you honour made it right into your hands. I hope that you know how much we love you. Thank you to everyone who made a donation to the Mount Sinai hospital as a dedication for Bella's birthday and for all the calls, texts and e-mails of support. Love and miss you sweet girl.

Could of, should of, would of....

Today is a hard day. Today would have been my sweet girls first day of school. She would have been up nice and early all excited with her new outfit, backpack and lunch bag. Her beautiful curly hair would be back in a pony tail so that it did not get on her face. She would have been wearing an outfit that she picked out all by herself when we did our first day of school outfit shopping. Her lunch would consist of her favourite foods such as pizza, leftover pasta, blackberries, avocado and lots of cheese. Everyone who know Isabella knows how much she loves her cheese. I would have spent time tne night before explaining that she did not need to be scared because school is such an exciting place. I would tell her that she is going to make many new friends and some amazing teachers. I would also tell her that just like at home our hands are for helping not hurting and our words are for making people feel happy not sad. Isabella had such a big heart that I am sure that would not have been an issue. After walking her to school Julian, Papa and I would give her a big hug and kiss and wish her luck. We would tell her how much we love her and that we would miss her. I am sure that Isabella would wait at the fence until a teacher came along and greeted her, just like she did at daycare. Once that teacher came she would turn around look at us, smile and say bye. Should of, could of, would of..... Isabella, I love you and I miss you today and always. I am the mother of a beautiful, smart, caring, loving , amazing kindergartener. I am so proud. Julian, Papa and I will think of you every second of every day. Mommy

Dear Isabella

Dear Isabella, I want to apologize if you think that I don't think of you as much a I used to. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I am sorry if I do not pray to you as much as I used to or go to the cemetery enough. I feel like my life is moving forward so fast and I am finding it hard to keep up. Your little brother has brought so much joy back to my life and for that I am so thankful. It brings back so many memories of our precious time together. Today when we went for a walk the o e thing that he wanted to hold in his hand the entire time was a blue striped sock. I remember your love for socks and how you would put them under your legs, pull them out, then repeat! From a distance or for the spectator looking in it may look like I am complete once again. I must because I fi d myself laughing, I attend functions, I am running once again. The truth is that I do laugh and often I am laughing at a silly memory of you. My life is moving forward it I am not complete. There will always be a piece of my heart and an important member of our family that is missed. In an earlier post I described it as being similar to losing a limb. You eventually learn to go on without that limb but always know that the limb is missing I want you to know that today I am happy. I have found joy and love again. This is not the destiny that I wanted,that I chose but it is the one that the u inverse felt I needed. I have fi ally arrived at acceptance a d it is a good place to be. I love you so much Isabella and I k ow that you love me. Your brother and your daddy have that special relationship that you and I share. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! Keep lighting up heaven just as you did here on earth. Miss you always, Mommy

True friends

I ran into someone a few weeks ago who I havent seen since Bella passed. This person was a friend and someone who was in Bella's life. In the past two years I have not received a phone call, e. -mail, card or any form of support from this person. It made me think how it is the moments that are the hardest when the people who really care stick around. So many people surprised me by reaching out to support me in the last few years. If I did not thank you, then I am thanking you now. Your cards on Isabella's birthday, Starbucks coffee and a good novel, constant phone calls, e-mails and support was never unappreciated. You letting me cry on your shoulder was never unnoticed. I think that often people stay way because they don't know what to say. To me, not saying anything is worse then saying the wrong thing. Sometimes the only thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say." But do not avoid me like it did not happen, because it did. I wish it did not, but ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Miss you Isabella

I love being a mom

I love being a mom. I love my two monkeys, Isabella and Julian. I wish they were here together but know that I have to let go of what I cannot control. I will spend every second reminding Julian that his sister loves him. I want him to know how amazing her spirit is and how much she would have loved to be here with him. I am a lucky mom to have the best children in the world, I just wish Isabella was here in body and not only spirit. I love them both more then words. Being a mom is the hardest, yet most rewarding experience ever. I am grateful for every diaper that I have changed and every sleepless night. I love being a mom! Mommy

Watching over her brother

Another Easter has come and gone. This year we decided that we would celebrate Easter being that it is Julain's first. I am trying my best not to let my pain stand in the way of Julian's happiness. It is not his fault that sister is not here with us in the physical form. He should not have to live on her shadow or her memory. I want him to have all of the amazing memories and experiences that Bella had. He got to spend time with family and meet family members that he has never met before. He enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed wrong that I went to the cemetery to visit one child and then went to celebrate with my other child. Life is just not what I expected it to be. I know that Bella visits Julian daily because I can hear him giggling through his monitor. He is talking gibberish as if someone is ther with him. I know that someone is his big sister. Every morning it puts as smile on my face because for that moment I can feel and believe that my two children are together. It is a great way to start my day. I know that she is watching over him and being the amazing big sister that she is. Thank you Bella for watching over your brother. I love you and am so blessed to have you as a daughter. I love you always princess and will miss you forever Mommy

Dreaded day

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who offered us support today through a card, email, phone call or whatever way it was. It is always comforting to know that Isabella is in your thoughts and hearts as well as ours. Today marks two years since the dreaded day. It means that I have lived more days without Isabella then I have with her. It seems as though she has always been in my life. My world was so different when she was in it and the center of it. I found myself a little angry this week. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular, not at God or the doctors or even myself. I was just angry at the situation and at the fact that she was not given a chance to play sports, go to school, have her first crush or even get grounded. All of those experiences that most people take for granted. I was and still am angry on behalf of all of the children that have to die. It happens to often. It seems that every day I hear another story about another child who has died and it tears me up each time. This should not be. Innocent children should not be taken so soon, they should be here giggling and running through sprinklers. We should be buying them ice creams and not bringing them flowers. Even though today is a terrible reminder of what has happened it is still just a day. Today is not any harder then tomorrow or yesterday. Each day I carry the same pain and each day my heart aches to see my little girl again. Each day I have to remind myself of the promise that I made to Bella when I saw her that last time. I promised her that I would make her proud and I can do that by being a good mother to Julian, good wife to Frank and a good friend for those who need me. I hope that you are proud of me Bella because I do all of this for you. I love you more than words can say. Mommy

Family Day

Another Valentines Day has passed and this year I struggled with the fact that Bella was not here. I bought her a beautiful pink stuffed rose and bought her a card with a butterfly on the front. I was hoping to go and see her and give it to her on Valentines day but the weather was to cold to take Julian outside. The cemetary closes at four thirty in the winter so was unable to go when Frank got home from work. Of course this brought on the guilt of not bringing her her present. I felt as though I was choosing one child over the other. Instead I put the card and flower in her bedroom until the weekend came and we went to bring it to her. I know in my heart that Bella is not there at the cemetary. I know that she is present within our home. She is here with us each and everyday. But I still feel the guilt when I do not go to the cemetary. The cemetary was once a place that brought me comfort. I would have slept there if I could have just to feel close to her. But now it represents a place of sadness, a place of lost hopes and dreams. It saddens me that Julian is going to spend way to many days there visiting his big sister. I know that Valentines Day is just a day but to me it is just another reminder of another day that she is not here. A day that she should be here writing valentines cards and eating heart shaped cookies. Maybe in heaven she is doing just that. If you are Bella eat a heart shaped cookie for me. It is the night before Family Day and even though I am blessed to have Julian and Frank here with me I miss Isabella so much. I wish that the four of us could sleep all snuggled together in our bed. We could put on the tv and sleep in as long as Juliam would let us. Then we could get up and I would make blueberry pancakes or whatever else my little princess requested. We would play with Julian and Isabella would help us to keep him occupied, making silly faces, singing him songs and reading him books. When Juliam went down for his nap, Bella and I would do a craft or bake some cookies. I know that people reading this may think that I am torturing myself by imagining what could have been. Our lives could have been so different if March 10th had a different outcome. I haven't given up hope on that time machine but until then I will keep imagining. Enjoy your families not just tomorrow because it is Family Day but every day because you can.

Make a change

My Iittle prince is sleeping softly and I wonder if two years ago I ever could have imagined that I would be here. Sitting here with dry eyes and a heart so full of love. When Bella passed (I still can't write the word) my heart died with her. I was incapable of feeling anything but my pain, my anger and my confusion. Thank goodness for the people who never gave up on me because I was ready to be alone with my anger forever. Beleive me I still am full of sadness and pain. But the sadness and pain no longer control me and does not take up all of me. Instead, it moves aside and makes room for love and compassion. You dont know how good it feels to wake up and be able to say that I am grateful for what I have. I say that every day. I am grateful to be married to the most amazing man in the world, grateful for the best eighteen months with the most special girl around and grateful for the most beautiful and smiley little man. Just because I am no longer angry at God does not mean that when it is my turn to enter those pearly gates that he will not have to answer to me. Believe Me, I have a list of questions about why our fate was what it was. My grief has definately changed and it has and still is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been through every stage of greif probably more then once. But now I am at a stage that cannot be found in the cycle of grief. I am at the point where I just want to make a difference. I want to help any other newly bereived parents that need it. I want to raise money for Strep A. I want what happened to Bella to be the reason for something. Her life was with purpose and I feel like it is my job to make sure that her Legacy continues. I hope that this blog has helped the readers as much as it has heed me. I thank all of you who read my thoughts but I don't know who you are. Please feel free to introduce yourself, that way I know that Isabella's name and memory is traveling. Thanks

Miss you

Isabella, I miss you so much. Every time I look at your brother I see your face. He has the same beautiful smile that you have and the same almond shaped eyes. He brings me so much joy just as you did. When I dance with him I imagine that you are dancing with us. When I sing to him I know that you are there singing too. I know that he was sent from above to mend my broken heart. Even though my heart will always be broken, he is mending it in ways I never thought possible. I love him so much and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I thank you for sending him to me and want you to know that every time we walk by your pictures in the house he smiles. Julian loves you so much. He knows that he has the best big sister in the world. We all love you princess and miss you more then words can say. Mommy

2013

I heard a quote the other day that I wanted to share. People always say to me that they don't know how I go on without my daughter. I never can explain how I do it, or where the strength to face each day comes from. This quote explains it all.... "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I am sure that this year may bring chllenges that can come of nowhere. There may be times when you will need to dig deep for strength. I hope this year that everyone finds the strength to get through the dark moments because it is only then that you can truly enjoy the beautiful ones. May 2013 be a year full of happy memories for all.