Friday, January 25, 2013

Make a change

My Iittle prince is sleeping softly and I wonder if two years ago I ever could have imagined that I would be here. Sitting here with dry eyes and a heart so full of love. When Bella passed (I still can't write the word) my heart died with her. I was incapable of feeling anything but my pain, my anger and my confusion. Thank goodness for the people who never gave up on me because I was ready to be alone with my anger forever. Beleive me I still am full of sadness and pain. But the sadness and pain no longer control me and does not take up all of me. Instead, it moves aside and makes room for love and compassion. You dont know how good it feels to wake up and be able to say that I am grateful for what I have. I say that every day. I am grateful to be married to the most amazing man in the world, grateful for the best eighteen months with the most special girl around and grateful for the most beautiful and smiley little man. Just because I am no longer angry at God does not mean that when it is my turn to enter those pearly gates that he will not have to answer to me. Believe Me, I have a list of questions about why our fate was what it was. My grief has definately changed and it has and still is a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have been through every stage of greif probably more then once. But now I am at a stage that cannot be found in the cycle of grief. I am at the point where I just want to make a difference. I want to help any other newly bereived parents that need it. I want to raise money for Strep A. I want what happened to Bella to be the reason for something. Her life was with purpose and I feel like it is my job to make sure that her Legacy continues. I hope that this blog has helped the readers as much as it has heed me. I thank all of you who read my thoughts but I don't know who you are. Please feel free to introduce yourself, that way I know that Isabella's name and memory is traveling. Thanks


Josie said...

Dear Marisa, it brings me great happiness to read this last entry. I have followed your blog from day one and my kids ask me who this little princess is when they see your page. I've told them this is their cousin who is now an angel in heaven watching over us. Her memory will always live on and through your blog and ambition to help others. You're truly amazing and we can't wait to meet your "little man"!!

Hugs always,

marisa said...

Thank you Josie,
Your support is greatly appreciated. Julian would love to meet you too.


michelle said...

I am glad you have found some peace.xoxox

Angie said...

You are simply an amazing person. What beautiful words you have written here. I know Isabella has been with you every step of this difficult journey you're going through. I would love to help you in anyway I can to help keep Isabella's legacy going. I am ready anytime to help raise funds for Strep A.

Enjoy your absolutely perfect little man and give him a big kiss from auntie Angie.

Love and kisses forever !!

Christine Cosentino said...

I am glad that you embraced this medium to express your grief, your struggle and now, your new-found happiness. As your friend, I feel like I can say that I am proud of you for the community you have created with this page in memory of your beautiful Bella, whom we miss dearly. When you are ready for some help, as your aunt Angie has expressed, you can count on us to do whatever you want done to make the difference you are seeking. Love you!


(By the way... I'm waiting for an answer about that quickie coffee :p)

Liana said...

I, too, have been following you on your journey and am continually amazed at the strength that you and Frank have facing each new day. Bella is missed very much, but I am happy that she will be a strong presence in Julian's life - she's an incredible little soul :o)

Looking forward to supporting you with each new endeavour!


Gina said...

From the moment I met you in my classroom, I could feel your strength and knew you were a fighter. Never doubt that Marisa!! I too, was so pleased to read this last entry and am so proud of your perseverance and endurance. I know Bella is so proud of you! I am also ready to help you and support you in any way I can or you see fit. I can't wait to meet your "little man". xoxoxoxoxo

marisa said...

Thank you all so much for going on this journey with me. I am so thankful that Christine introduced me to blogging. It is a great way to express you feelings. I am soappreciative for you all and especially for all of the love that you have and continue to have for Bella.

alexvelocci said...

Both of your little monkeys hold such a special place in my heart! Love them sooo much!! You're the greatest mommy, don't ever forget!!


ChrisM said...

Marisa - this post is beautiful. You have become such a powerful writer. I look forward to the continued healing and years to come with our families being together.

marisa said...

Alex and Chris I love you lots.