Monday, April 16, 2012

My Reality

It has been quite a while since I have written a blog or even read any others.  I cannot even say that it is because I was to busy because I have way to much time on my hands now.  Truthfully I think that I just wanted to take a break from my grief.  I don't even think that it is possible but for a moment I did not want to be part of the child loss group.   Writing down my feelings means that I have to concentrate on them and that is the last thing that I want to do.  I am tired of being a mother whose child is in heaven.  I am tired of speaking to Isabella and imagining what she would say back.  I am extremely tired of missing her.  I just wish that for a moment God would take some pity on me and give me just one more minute with her.  In that minute I would memorize her smell, her voice, her laugh.  I would kiss under her neck and tell her that I loved her as many times as I can in 60 seconds.

I can only hide from my reality for so long because even though I don't want to be part of this group, I am.  I am part of a group that nobody wants to or should be a part of.   My reality is that I am here and my daughter is in heaven.  I have no idea what she would have looked like as a two and a half year old girl.  Even though I hate it, that is the reality of my life.

7 comments:

Susan said...

I remember writing a post like this - I was looking for it for you, but I have written so much on my blog, I can't find it. How depressing is that? I need an index :)

I think it said, I just want a day off from this all - just a few hours break, and then I'll be fit to go - to carry on again The funny thing is, I remember feeling this too in the period after my boyfriend died - I wanted to check into a hotel - and for the grief to stop - understanding that I would have to go back and deal with it later - but just for now I needed a "grief holiday".

The thing about it is, it just goes on for so long. You need such amazing stamina to keep going. All the times I've felt this, have always been as things started to improve. I know it's not easier that Bella is gone - but it has always hit me at the time when you start to pull your life together, accept that you have to build a different way forward.

Keep going Marisa - the dead mothers club gets that you need to be away for a while - and we get why - and we're also here whenever you want to talk too. Big hug to you xx

michelle said...

I have really slowed on my posts as well, sometimes we just need to take a step back.I am always keeping you and Isabella in my heart. xo

Anonymous said...

If I was granted one wish, I wish I could change your reality. But try to comfort in knowing that isabella is up in heaven, a happy little 2 1/2 year old with her mommies beautiful long curly hair, big bold eyes and a smile that goes on forever and just as pleasant and chattery as her mommy is with the biggest heart ever. I'm positive that she has soooo many friends in heaven and at night she settles down and dreams about mommy and daddy just like you do of her.

marisa said...

Susan & Michelle, I know that you can understand the way that I feel. The longing to be someone else for a moment.

Anonymous, thank you for the kind words. I hope that you are right and that she is dreaming of me right now.

Lucy said...

I wish I could take some of your pain a way. I wish I could make things different. All I can do is be here for you, to listen, to support, to love.

BellaSteph said...

I take "breaks" all the time. It is never a real break as I never stop thinking of Gavin and I know it's the same for you. Sometimes you need to walk away for a bit and try to not get so deep in to your grief. I wish I could change all of our lives. I wish our babies could come back for not a moment but forever. I hate this club and wish there were no members. I am thinking of you xoxo.

Josie DiMarco said...

Hi Marisa, always thinking of you and the struggles you face each day. A friend of mine recently posted this poem as she lost her mother suddenly and I thought I would share the link with you hoping it brings you some comfort. Hugs Always...Josie

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/548966_264981900260287_169356106489534_573920_2003906400_n.jpg