Sunday, May 6, 2012

Letting Go

Another spring is here and it just brings the realisation that another season has gone by without my Bella Baby.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I have or have not come in this past year.  When I think back to May 2011, I think of a hopeless women who was begging to be taken to heaven to be with her daughter.  Today, I now realise that it is not my time to go.  I know that Bella would want me here to take care of her daddy that she loves so much.  She would want me to have more children so that she could be a big sister.  I can now see some light in my life.  I now know that I will have moments of joy and moments of laughter.  This does not in any way mean that I am healed, or I am over it.  That will never happen. I guess that I am in the acceptance stage of my grief.  I don't like it but I have accepted it.  I think that when people see me smile, laugh or do something that resembles the "old Me,"  they often think that I am no longer broken.  I will always be broken, I am just now trying to put the pieces together again.

I was speaking to a friend and fellow bereaved parent about letting our children go. We were both agreeing that that is so hard to do.  This came up in conversation because I was telling her that I was told that I needed to let Bella go for her as much as for me.  I don't know how to do that.  I am unsure what that looks like.  Is it even possible to let our children go.  She will always be the centre of my world and that will never change.  I just hope that I am not holding her back from doing whatever her job in heaven is. 

Overall, I think that I am growing as a person, a parent a wife and a friend.  I think that this past year was the hardest year of my life and I don't wish that pain on anyone.  I hear that the second year is even harder then the first.  I just hope that I have learned some new coping skills to help me get through whatever the future years may bring.


michelle said...

I hope the spring weather will be able to bring you some peace and comfort.xo

Lucy said...

You amaze me!
I love you so much and I'm on this journey, by your side,every step of the way.

Susan said...

I found the second year easier to cope with. I think some bereaved mums find it harder - it just depends. I have been much more together. Nothing could be as bad as the raw pain of the first few months for me.

You are not holding her back. Please don't think that. I dont' think it is natural to "let our children go". You will always love them. Catheirne is no less to me than she ever was. I think it is more you make space for other things. I am Madeline's mother - and I do a good job.

I once had it explained like this. Imagine you - you are a circle the size of a 1 cent piece. Your grief is there too - it is also the size of a 1 cent piece. It slots into you - it is all of you. It fills you. In the second year, the grief doesn't get any smaller - it is still the 1 cent piece size - but you expand - you are as big as a dollar now. You have space for other things, whilst dedicating as much as you ever did to your grief. I hope that makes sense.

Much love to you Marisa - do pop by for a vent and tea. Edinburgh is lovely in the summer - I am sure you would like it xx

Ashley said...

This post could have been written by me: a year ago I said I would NEVER accept my son being gone but I have gotten there...again, doesn't mean that we are healed or have forgotten our child in any way. Thanks for sharing ((hugs))

marisa said...

Thank you Michelle for your comment.

Lucy, you are an amazing sister.

Susan,your mesage really helped. I will share that example (using the coins) with my fellow bereived parents.

Ashley, I think that acceptance is a hard thing. We can do it but don't have to like it.

All of you support is always appreciated.