When Isabella first passed, everyone told me that time will heal all wounds. Whoever made up this saying has probably never lose anyone close to them. I think that once you have experienced a loss of any kind you understand this not to be true. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds just never heal. Instead they fester. You can try to cover up the wound with a bandage which comes in many forms. This bandage can be a night out, a good glass of wine, sleep, a vacation or even keeping busy at work. But the wound does not improve, and definitely does not heal.
For me, time has made me feel worse. I think that the reality becomes so real and the idea of living this lifetime without your loved one becomes a true reality and that is frightening. I even find it harder telling Isabella's story and especially explaining the day that she passed. Time only gives you more time to internalise the situation and hopefully allows you to adopt strategies that make it easier to survive.
I had always had a fear of death, a fear of not knowing what it feels like. As a child I used to become so anxious at the though and this behaviour even continued into my adult life. Now that fear no longer exists. I no longer have this fear attached to death. Instead I am embracing the thought of being with my Bella for eternity. This does not mean that I am in any way hoping for this because I have to many people here that I love. Instead it means that when the time comes for God to call me home I will not be scared because I know that Isabella will be holding my hand along the way.
Until we meet again sweet girl.
3 comments:
Your so right time does not heal all wounds. Nothing will ever heal the pain of losing a child, we can only try and learn to live with it. Some days it feels like I am still undecided on that issue. I am so glad you have your faith to hold onto.Thinking of Isabella always, xo
I know that people want to say that because they want the pain to become less and less. But only you and Frank know what you are both going through. But please know that we love and support you and are here for you. The other day I also thought what it would be like if I knew I was passing (leaving loved ones behind would obviously he sad) but then this calmness came over me as I knew that Isabella was going to be there.
Live life one day at a time.
Luv u Bella
I think you haven't given it enough time to feel better. 20 months after C died, I certainly feel ... hmm... I think the word is "better" - at least most of the time, I have more function than I did. The first year was horrendous. It is still hard, but it is no where near as hard as it was.
I use a helpline for bereaved parents for spport when I'm low. Many of the volunteers were bereaved decades ago... I think the received wisdom is that the first five to ten years are difficlt. I guess people don't want to tell us that as it sounds scary... but I think I find it comforting...
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