Any mother who has lost a child has probably experienced the guilt that you feel when you do not visit your child at the place where their body has been laid to rest. I have been feeling extremely guilty because I once would visit her there and feel comfort but now as soon as I get in the car to drive there I feel anxious. I don't like thinking about where her actual body is, or that when I turn around and leave that I am leaving her physical body behind. It takes everything in me not to break down that wall and hold her in my arms, kiss her little lips and twirl her curls around my fingers. I feel closer to her in my own house. I feel her presence in my bedroom and in her play room. I know that she is here with us, and not here behind that wall. All that is there is the shell of a body that was once her. Even though I know this, I still wish that I could hold her body in my arms and take her home where she belongs.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning rush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quit birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there I did not die.
Written by: Mary Elizabeth Frye
6 comments:
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That is a beautiful poem, Isabella is with you always in your heart wherever you go
My bereavement counselor gave me that poem right before Gavin's funeral. We used it on his program.
I don't visit him that often at his grave either. I find it makes me enraged and brings back awful thoughts. I instead like to talk with him while at home or to his pictures. Every night I sleep with his blankie and turtle too. I feel more connected with him in those ways.
Isabella is all around you and she is not in that grave. She is watching over her momma at all times.
I believe that you should go wherever you feel close to her and where you feel more at peace. The place isn't important as much as the feeling that the "place" gives you.
Don't feel bad - I think graveyards are for the living - there to provide comfort and a focal point. I don't think it matters if we don't tend Catherine's grave - I don't think she is there either. For the first 3 months or so, I went several times a day and her grave was always covered in flowers - I literally used to set aside a day a week to do the flowers on her grave. This year I can count the times I've been on one hand. It doesnt' mean I love her any less.
Though do be prepared for people interpreting you going less as a sign you are "recovering".. I have tried to explain that I don't go, not because I feel better about her being dead, but because it no longer comforts me - but I think that is a hard concept for non-bereaved folk to grasp. Lots of love to you xx
Thank you, Marisa, for inviting me to your blog. I hope you got my last email. I hope to hear from you soon. We are away right now and will be back on Sept 4th. Your Isabella is truly a doll baby and how blessed you are to have been given her. I understand your feelings. This past winter was my first winter without Carlie and I would think about her on very cold days. Soo thankful she is not there yet it is still hard.
Love you my friend!!
Maria
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