It has been a long time

It has been so long since I have written anything but have felt the need and want to write again. I want to revisit my feelings and to feel that pain again. Anyone reading this may not understand but I will try to explain. Firstly, do not think that I am not missing my daughter and am not in pain because she is not here with me. I am and I do more then anything. But the pain is different. It has almost become a backdrop to my life. It is always there and it comes with me everywhere but it is not the centre of my life. I can go through a day without any tears but she is always in my thoughts. I feel so guilty that I feel happy. I feel guilty that I am looking forward to things like taking my son to the park. I feel guilty for living again. My son has brought me back to life and I don't know that he will ever truly understand how he saved me. He truly saved my life. I found myself reading an old post from very early on in my loss. While reading this post I could feel that immense pain and that desperation that I felt when I wrote it. I cried and cried while reading it but I have to say that it is what I needed. I needed to be reminded of how far I have come in this journey. I needed to remind myself that it was not easy and it did not happen over night. It took time,hard work, faith and lots of support from others. I need to remember that even though I am "living" I should not feel guilty because I am doing it with a broken heart. For anyone who is reading this that is new in their grief, pease know that the sun will shine again. It may not look as bright or feel the same way when it touches your skin. But it will shine and you will learn to appreciate it for what it is.