The same old......

It has been a while since I posted anything and sometimes I feel like I am just posting the same things over and over again.  I write about how much I miss her and how I wish that she was still here.  I write about how I want to make her proud of me and how she will never be replaced.  If I get tired of writing the same things, I can imagine how tiring it is to read it.  But in the end, this is a place for me to write about my feelings and once agin my feelings bring me to that same dark place.

With March 10th approaching, I cannot beleive that we are coming upon 1 year since the worst day of my life.  A day that started with laughs, hugs and kisses and ended in tears and dispair.  I cannot go back to that day and I don't know if I will ever be able to.  Driving home from the hospital with an empty car seat and knowing that my daughter was in a room without me is a memory that will haunt me forever.  1 year or 10 years and that day will always be hard.

I am happy that this year is a leap year and that I have an extra day to prolong that day from coming.  In the end that day is just like any other.  There is nothing different about that day, the loss is still there.  I guess it is just the fact that I know what happened the year before on that day that makes it hard. 

I miss you so much Princess.  I hope that you are watching me with smiles and giggles and saying Mommy if you only knew how beautiful heaven was you would never want to take me from here.  Heaven is more beautiful with you in it , baby girl.

Sweet dreams Monkey,
Mommy

Happy Valentine's Day Bella Baby

This day last year was a great day with Bella.  I picked her up from school and I gave her a pink hippopotamus.  At first she did not know that she thought of this hippo.  But then she showered it with kisses and was calling it Inamus.  That  hippo is presently sitting in her crib with some of her other favourite toys like Upsy Daisy.  I remember exactly what she was wearing that day, pink stretchy pants and a pink shirt/dress with hearts and ruffles.  She was laid to rest in that same dress.  I remember when we got home from school we looked at her Valentines cards and mommy snuck some of her chocolates because Bella wasn't allowed chocolate.   Frank and Bella had given me a beautiful card and Bella and I had gotten one for daddy.  Frank surprised me because he had also gotten one for Belle which was his second love.

I think of that day with smiles and tears.  I love that memory and I am saddened that we will not have the opportunity to make more.

Daddy, Inamus and I miss you with all our hearts sweet girl.  Happy Valentine's Day.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Hope

The dreaded March 10th is one month from tomorrow.  I cannot believe that it has almost been 1 year since the worst day of my life.  Where has the year gone? We are having a 1 year mass at our church for Isabella on the 1 year anniversary of her passing.  I do not like to use the word dead, or death.  It hurts me to use that word in the same sentence as my precious girl.  Even though passing means the same thing, it does not stir up as much emotion as the other.

This past year has brought so many lows that it is hard to count.  Yet no low can compare to the ones that I felt at the beginning of our loss.  That sense of hopelessness and lack of reason to live.  I would pray and pray that God made a mistake and that he was to take me instead.   The  hate for myself for not preventing this and the anger at God for making this happen.  It was a dark place that I never saw myself getting out of.

I can say now that I do have days where I catch myself laughing.  Usually it is at my husband for doing something silly.  I even have moments where I am able to find beauty in something, such as the moon or the stars.   I am not fully out of the dark and I am far from being "better".  I don't think that "better" will ever come.  But for today I have hope that the future will bring joy for us.  Hopefully this hope will last until tomorrow because with each day brings different emotions.

I will stick with hope for today.

Sweet dreams Little Monkey