Last Year

With my birthday coming up on Friday, I can't help but sit and remember what I was doing this time last year. Isabella was sick on my birthday last year and Frank was at a convention downtown. That day I remember thinking that I was so happy to be spending the day with my girl. She spent so much time sleeping on my lap with her hand down my shirt, her favourite position. We did lots of cuddling, read tons of books and watched her favourite shows. It was an amazing day. Nothing exciting was happening, yet I was so content with where I was and who I was with.

I received an amazing surprise that day. Bella began walking! I was so excited and so was she. Being that Isabella wore a harness for the first nine months of her life, I thought that she would have been delayed with her walking. Instead, my daughter rose to the challenge and began to walk.

What a beautiful day that was. I thank God for giving me that day and allowing Bella and I to spend it just the two of us. It is like God was giving me that memory as a gift. He knew that in the future that memory was what I was going to hold onto. On Friday, I will close my eyes and think of that day. I will remember that feeling of happiness and pride that I had each and every time Isabella was near.

I miss you Monkey.

Guilt

Does the guilt ever go away? My husband is constantly reassuring me that I was the best mother possible, yet I still feel responsible for Isabella's death. I feel as if I should have never let them send us home from the hospital or I should have called the ambulance sooner. I feel as if I should have done so much more then I did. You hear of all of these miracles, maybe I did not pray enough. A mother is supposed to protect her children from all harm. I feel as if I have failed in protecting my daughter. Even though my heart tells me that I did all that I could, my mind tells me otherwise.

When will this guilt stop?

Time does not heal all wounds

When Isabella first passed, everyone told me that time will heal all wounds. Whoever made up this saying has probably never lose anyone close to them. I think that once you have experienced a loss of any kind you understand this not to be true. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds just never heal. Instead they fester. You can try to cover up the wound with a bandage which comes in many forms. This bandage can be a night out, a good glass of wine, sleep, a vacation or even keeping busy at work. But the wound does not improve, and definitely does not heal.

For me, time has made me feel worse. I think that the reality becomes so real and the idea of living this lifetime without your loved one becomes a true reality and that is frightening. I even find it harder telling Isabella's story and especially explaining the day that she passed. Time only gives you more time to internalise the situation and hopefully allows you to adopt strategies that make it easier to survive.

I had always had a fear of death, a fear of not knowing what it feels like. As a child I used to become so anxious at the though and this behaviour even continued into my adult life. Now that fear no longer exists. I no longer have this fear attached to death. Instead I am embracing the thought of being with my Bella for eternity. This does not mean that I am in any way hoping for this because I have to many people here that I love. Instead it means that when the time comes for God to call me home I will not be scared because I know that Isabella will be holding my hand along the way.

Until we meet again sweet girl.

Child Loss Poem

I was given this poem at my Child Loss Support Group and wanted to share it with everyone. It was written by Edgar Guest. I hope that the poem brings you some comfort as it did for me.

I"ll lend you for a while a child of mine, " he says.
"For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
By will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay; since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teacher true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lance I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think that labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call her much sooner than we've planned.
We'' brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Isabella, I know that God has lent you to me until he wanted you back. I just wish that we were give more time. I am grateful for every second that we shared.

Mommy

Bad Dream

I had a bad dream last night that Isabella and I were at the beach and I could not find her. I did not know if she had wondered into the water or where she went. I kept thinking that she was lost scared and I was not there to comfort her. At one point in my dream someone came to my house with a child and said that they had found her at the beach. From the back she looked like Isabella. She had the same beautiful dark curls. When the child turned around, it was not Isabella. It was someone else's child. I kept saying, "this is not my child, she is someone else's."

I was happy to wake up from that terrible dream. Although, in reality I still do not have my daughter in my arms. At least I know that she is not somewhere scared and alone. I know exactly where she is. She is in heaven with the angels and all of our departed family members.

It has been eight months today since I have heard your voice sweet girl. Sweet dream princess.

Miss you

I miss you Bella. I have been missing you so much lately. Even though I miss you every second of everyday, the past few days I have missed you one hundred times more. My missing has turned to longing. I long to hear you say mamma, to read your apple book to you, to see your beautiful smile and so much more. The hole in my stomach has become a normanl feeling. It is just a part of my day and I now get comfort from its presence because that hole comes from love. It comes from the love that I have for you.

We are approaching eight months from the moment that she passed and I am shocked that I have survived to this point. I always said that I would die if anything happened to Isabella and I am still standing. Sometimes I wonder where the strength comes from. I now know that it comes from her. She truly is my motivaion for so many things. Crawling into a ball would be to easy. Living is hard! I am living so that she could be proud of me. I want her to know that I am not taking the easy way out, instead I am trying to live and I am doing that all for her.

I love you Isabella

A Special Auntie

Happy Birthday to the worlds best sister/Godmother/auntie. My sister Lucy is all of those amazing things to the Cappelli family. She is the worlds most supportive and understanding sister to me and sister in-law to Frank. She is the most amazing aunt/God Mother to Isabella. We did not even think twice about choosing her to baptize Bella. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant with Isabella my sister was constantly buying baby clothes and toys for her. After Isabella was born my sister spent ever spare moment she had with us and spoiled Bella with love. I am so grateful that Isabella has sud such an amazing person to look up to. I know that Isabella is shining light and sending love to my sister today.

Happy Birthday Lucy,

Marisa

Cousins

This is a picture from last Halloween. This is a picture of Bella (left) with my niece/God daughter Mya (right). It took so long to take this picture because Mya kept sliding to the side and Bella's hat kept covering her face. They were such good sports. They just sat there and looked at us with this look of confusion. They did not understand why we were all calling their names and snapping pictures. We had so much fun that day and it was such a quick visit. Looking back now I wish that we had a longer visit. I wish that I was not always rushing from place to place, that I did not turn down Sunday lunches with the in-laws. I was very greedy with my Bella time. I loved having her all to myself. We spent so much time walking, playing and having fun just us. I feel that I took that time away from everyone else. I just hope that I did not take away from anyones possible memories.