Another angel in heaven

Thank you to everyone who sent me an e-mail and decided to continue reading my blog. I am honoured that you would want to follow along as I express my hopes and fears, depending on the day.

I received devastating news the other day that a friend of a relative of mine had a terrible loss. Her child passed away in his sleep, otherwise known as SIDS. My heart goes out to that family and I know to well the pain that they are going through.

I know the anger towards God, toward yourself and towards the universe for causing this terrible thing to happen. I know the lack of compassion towards anyone because the only pain that you are able to feel is your own, and no other pain matters. I know the bitterness towards every other person who has a living child (even complete strangers) because this happened to you and not to them. I know the unwillingness to take care of yourself (not eating healthy meals, not wearing your seat belt) because you do not care about yourself anymore. I know to well the will to be with them and begging God to take you as well because you could not bear another moment without your child.

Somewhere along the way I also began to know the little glimpses of hope and faith that you will see your child again. I experienced the moments when you get shivers for no reason because your child is sending you a big hug. I know the support of family and friends that carry you at times when you are unable to stand.

Unfortunately you have to go through the darkest moments in order to see the light that is at the end waiting for you. I have not fully gotten to that bright light but I know that I am on my way. I know that my future will be bright and that some day my tears will be replaced with laughter. My journey has just began and it is going to be a long road to travel. But I know that I am not travelling it alone. I have a fantastic husband who is also an outstanding father. Most of all I have a little monkey named Isabella who is dancing along beside us and cheering us in at times when we feel low. The three Cappelli's will get through this together and for that I am truly grateful.

Please keep that precious baby boy on your prayers.

Do not stand at my grave and cry

Any mother who has lost a child has probably experienced the guilt that you feel when you do not visit your child at the place where their body has been laid to rest. I have been feeling extremely guilty because I once would visit her there and feel comfort but now as soon as I get in the car to drive there I feel anxious. I don't like thinking about where her actual body is, or that when I turn around and leave that I am leaving her physical body behind. It takes everything in me not to break down that wall and hold her in my arms, kiss her little lips and twirl her curls around my fingers. I feel closer to her in my own house. I feel her presence in my bedroom and in her play room. I know that she is here with us, and not here behind that wall. All that is there is the shell of a body that was once her. Even though I know this, I still wish that I could hold her body in my arms and take her home where she belongs.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning rush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quit birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there I did not die.

Written by: Mary Elizabeth Frye

email address is wrong!

My sister pointed out that the e-mail account that I posted is sending the -mails back. I figured out that I spelt beauty wrong on the account. So please send your email to bellabeuty@hotmail.com an I will send you an invite to the blog..

Thanks,
Marisa

Back to work!

The summer is almost over and in a few weeks I am returning back to work. I am looking forward to the distraction, the routine and to meeting all of my new students. As of next week my blog is going to be by invitation only. I appreciate all of you who have been reading my blog and I hope that you continue to do so. I am just trying to prevent any of the students from my school reading my blog. Even though I do not speak of anything inappropriate I would like to keep my personal life and work life separate. If you would like to continue reading my blog please send me an e-mail at bellabeauty@hotmail.com and I will send you and e-mail to invite you to the blog.

Thank you for all of your support.

Marisa

Comfort

The past week has been a difficult one. A very close friend of ours lost their mother and it is always hard seeing people that you love in pain. I am now getting used to seeing bad things happen to good people.

The mass was held at the same church where we had Isabella's mass and the resting place is the same mausoleum where Isabella is. I wanted to be there to support my friends because they have always been there for us, but I found it extremely difficult. It was hard being there and knowing that just five months earlier I was there celebrating the life of my daughter. I was able to sit through the mass which was beautiful. I find the church a very comforing place, I just wish that I had brought Isabella there more. Although I did go to the mosoleam, I did not stay for the burial. Instead I went to see Isabella and tried to get some comfort from her. I know that sounds weird that visiting her there would give me comfort. Just seeing her face, seeing her name and talking to her gives me comfort. She is my best friend and best friends comfort each other.

I miss you Bella!

Five Months

Yesterday marked five months since Isabella has went to heaven. I feel like it just happened yesterday yet I miss her like she has been gone for fifty years. Next month would have marked her second birthday. I already had it planned out. It was going to be an animal themes since she loved animals and I was going to do it as the farm. I was going to make her a farm animal cake, and have farm animal decorations. I am not sure what that day will bring but I do know that it will not be easy.

We went out to dinner on Monday with some family and right beside our table was a big blue butterfly (fake one) hanging in the plant. None if the other tables that we saw had one but ours. I think that was her way of saying that she was joining us for dinner. My daughter was not one to miss a good meal, just like her mommy!

Love you Bella,
Mommy

My little teacher's pet

My internet has not been working for the past week which left me not only unable to blog but also unable to keep up with everyone else blog. It is amazing how lost you can feel without internet access. Last week I had an extraordinary visit with Isabella's teacher and the principal from her school. As I have written in previous blogs Isabella's school is blessed with wonderful people from the teachers to the cook that made all of her lunches. I had them over for lunch and we exchanged stories about Isabella. It was so amazing to hear about all of the things that she did at school, stories that I would have otherwise never heard. It seems that my daughter was a little teachers pet, wanting to help set up for lunch and always listening when her name was called (which according to her teacher, the other children did not do).

Isabella and her teacher had a very special bond and her teacher felt very guilty after Isabella had passed. She felt like maybe she could have done more to prevent this from happening. I reassured her that there was nothing that she, I or the doctors could do. They brought me pictures of Isabella at school and I could not help but laugh and cry at the same time while I looked at them. I laughed because in every picture she had her mischievous little smile and I cried because I saw how happy she was there. In one picture she has this smile that is so full of love and happiness. That type of smile that only comes when you are experiencing such true joy. That same picture they have hung in a frame in the classroom, and it makes me happy that they have done that. The parents and the teachers at the school also did a fundraiser in her name and raised money for the Sick Kid's Hospital. This is a fundraiser that they will continue to do every year.

That visit meant so much to me because I was afraid that the people at her school would forget about her and that would just brake my heart. But instead they are honouring her life and I think that Isabella is smiling down at that thought. I know that when we were having our lunch she was right there with us listening and laughing as we exchanged stories.

We will never forget you my sweet angel.

Peek a boo!!

This video was taken by my cousin Alex whom Isabella loves!!! This is just a little peek at what a little Monkey Isabella is. She was always happy and wanted to make everyone around her happy. She did a great job at that. Hopefully this video will bring a smile to all of your faces as it does for me.

Marisa