Birthday Girl

Four days ago was my little princesses 4th birthday. I expected this day to be hard but I never expected to react the way I did. It was such a hard day, even harder then last year. As her age gets bigger it is like a knife in the heart at the thought that she only got to celebrate one birthday here on earth. She only got to taste one of her homemade birthday cakes. The age of four is when children begin to truly appreciate and understand what their birthday represents. They assist in the planning of their party and help make their birthday cake. They rip into those birthday presents so excited anticipating what is inside. I feel ripped off and even more I feel like she was ripped off. I feel like she was introduced to this wonderful world and all of the people who love her only to be taken away so quickly. This year her birthday brought me anger, sadness and lots and lots of crankiness. I dragged my feet though the day trying to make it special. We went for breakfast because Isabella loved her eggs, we brought her balloons and released one into the air. I made her cupcakes with little flowers on top. But nothing was enough. She deserves the best and I feel like I did not give her that. Yet on the other hand I know that the breakfast, the balloons, and the cupcakes were in an attempt to make me feel better about the situation because where she is she does not feel sadness and is happy with whatever we do. Isabella I hope that the angels sang you Happy Birthday and that all of the balloons released in you honour made it right into your hands. I hope that you know how much we love you. Thank you to everyone who made a donation to the Mount Sinai hospital as a dedication for Bella's birthday and for all the calls, texts and e-mails of support. Love and miss you sweet girl.

Could of, should of, would of....

Today is a hard day. Today would have been my sweet girls first day of school. She would have been up nice and early all excited with her new outfit, backpack and lunch bag. Her beautiful curly hair would be back in a pony tail so that it did not get on her face. She would have been wearing an outfit that she picked out all by herself when we did our first day of school outfit shopping. Her lunch would consist of her favourite foods such as pizza, leftover pasta, blackberries, avocado and lots of cheese. Everyone who know Isabella knows how much she loves her cheese. I would have spent time tne night before explaining that she did not need to be scared because school is such an exciting place. I would tell her that she is going to make many new friends and some amazing teachers. I would also tell her that just like at home our hands are for helping not hurting and our words are for making people feel happy not sad. Isabella had such a big heart that I am sure that would not have been an issue. After walking her to school Julian, Papa and I would give her a big hug and kiss and wish her luck. We would tell her how much we love her and that we would miss her. I am sure that Isabella would wait at the fence until a teacher came along and greeted her, just like she did at daycare. Once that teacher came she would turn around look at us, smile and say bye. Should of, could of, would of..... Isabella, I love you and I miss you today and always. I am the mother of a beautiful, smart, caring, loving , amazing kindergartener. I am so proud. Julian, Papa and I will think of you every second of every day. Mommy