Changes

  I feel as though the days are going by to fast and I am trying to slow them down.  So much has changed in the past year and a half and even though I have many great things that are happening, it scares me that the world is still turning without Bella here.

  Within my house alone so many things look different then when Bella was here.  All of the things that we wanted to do when Bella was here we have finally done.  I feel a little guilty that all of these changes are happening and I wonder if Bella would approve.  I wonder if she likes the new couches or the new lamps.  I hope that she still feels at home in our house even with all of the changes.

  Yesterday we sold my car that I had purchased twelve years ago.  It was the car that we brought Bella home from the hospital in.  We brought her to all of her ultrasound appointments when she had her hip brace on.  I picked her up from daycare everyday in that car.  It was very hard for me to see that car drive away and to know that Bella had never experienced our new car.  I know that my car is not Bella but I feel as though another piece of me has gone.  A piece that holds so many great memories with my daughter.

   Last night I felt the need to sleep with a picture of Bella in my hand.  I need to feel her close to me and for her to know that know matter what she will always be my best friend, soul mate, and first born


  I love you Isabella Grace.

Gratitude

    Gratitude is something that I struggle with at this point in my life.  I will always be grateful for Frank, Bella,  my little man and all of my family and friends.   Gratitude for the little things in life is what I find difficult.

    Suprisingly, earlier this week I found myself feeling grateful and it took me by surprise.  I was driving to my Obgyn office and decided to get her and the receptionist a coffee.  At that moment I felt grateful that I was able to treat someone to a coffee without worrying about it.  There are so many people who cannot afford the necessities in life and to them treating people to something is often difficult.  It was such a minor thing but I felt it, that gratitude.   As soon as realized what I was thinking I was amazed.  It has been so long since I have felt that feeling.   It felt nice to be grateful for something instead of being angry all the time.

   Hopefully my future will bring more of those moments so that each moment of gratitude will not be something to write about.

   I will always be grateful for you Bella baby.

I am thankful for....

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I have to admit that it has been a hard weekend.  I am not sure why today was harder then other days..  It is just one of those hard days that creep up on you.   I miss her so much and I wish that she was here.  I do have many things to be grateful for.  I am grateful for...

My husband Frank who is the most amazing man in the world.
My baby boy who is going to bring so much joy to our world.
My family and friends who have been there for me through thick and thin.
The ability for Frank and I to provide food, clothing and a good life for our family.
I am truly grateful for my daughter Isabella and for all of the moments that we shared.  I am thankful for those memories that help me to get through the toughest of times.

I love you Bella and miss you more and more with each day.

Happy Thanksgiving  sweet girl.

Love Mommy