I Miss her

The only thing that I can think to write today is how much I miss my daughter. How much I wish that she was here in my arms.  How I wish that I was experiencing the end of the terrible two's and soon the troublesome three's.  I miss worrying about her every second of every day.  I miss the old me and the old life that we shared.

I miss you Monkey, now and always.

Mommy

Mother's Day

This weekend marked my husband and my fifth year anniversary as well as Mother's Day.  Last year both of those occasions were passed over and not acknowledged at my own request.  I could not bare to celebrate anything without Bella here.  This year I have allowed people to wish me best wishes for both occasions.  I think that Frank and I need to celebrate or at least acknowledge our anniversary for the fact that we made it through the last year is definately something.  You always here of couples who break up after the loss of a child and I think that Frank and I need eachother now more then ever.  I even am okay with people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  Even though it may not be a happy one, I am still the mother of the most beautiful girl in the world and I want the world to know!  I am so proud of Bella now and always will be.

I want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers out there.  There are so many amazing women who take such great care of thier children each and every day.  Some of those include my sister, family members and many of my friends.  I wish all of you a Happy Day. 

I espacially want to acknowledge all of the amazing mothers who I have met though the Child Loss community.  You are all amazing mothers and mothering a child who is in Heaven is the hardest thing to do.  I want to acknowledge Nadia (Jason's mom), Michelle (Jack's mom), Jennie (Megan's mom),  Susan (Catherine's mom),  Steph (Gavin's mom), Ashley (Beck's mom), Maria (Carlie's mom), and Dianna (Joshua's mom).   I am sorry that we are all part of the Child Loss community but am happy that I have been given the chance to meet both you and your amazing children.  I wish you all a Happy Mother's Day.

And of course, Happy Mother's Day to my mom.  I love you!

I miss you Isabella and know that you are with me today and always.  Thank you for being my little girl.

Mommmy

Letting Go

Another spring is here and it just brings the realisation that another season has gone by without my Bella Baby.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about how far I have or have not come in this past year.  When I think back to May 2011, I think of a hopeless women who was begging to be taken to heaven to be with her daughter.  Today, I now realise that it is not my time to go.  I know that Bella would want me here to take care of her daddy that she loves so much.  She would want me to have more children so that she could be a big sister.  I can now see some light in my life.  I now know that I will have moments of joy and moments of laughter.  This does not in any way mean that I am healed, or I am over it.  That will never happen. I guess that I am in the acceptance stage of my grief.  I don't like it but I have accepted it.  I think that when people see me smile, laugh or do something that resembles the "old Me,"  they often think that I am no longer broken.  I will always be broken, I am just now trying to put the pieces together again.

I was speaking to a friend and fellow bereaved parent about letting our children go. We were both agreeing that that is so hard to do.  This came up in conversation because I was telling her that I was told that I needed to let Bella go for her as much as for me.  I don't know how to do that.  I am unsure what that looks like.  Is it even possible to let our children go.  She will always be the centre of my world and that will never change.  I just hope that I am not holding her back from doing whatever her job in heaven is. 

Overall, I think that I am growing as a person, a parent a wife and a friend.  I think that this past year was the hardest year of my life and I don't wish that pain on anyone.  I hear that the second year is even harder then the first.  I just hope that I have learned some new coping skills to help me get through whatever the future years may bring.